CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE vs. MARISA TOMEI
Duchess Kate: Cheerio, Marisa! Isn’t it just a lovely day for a fashion battle?
Marisa: Absolutely, Your Highness! When you get to wear pants on the red carpet, and cosy pocketed ones at that, fashion battles are a breeze.
Duchess Kate: Oh, I’m a princess. We don’t wear things like pants. Too pedestrian, you see.
Marisa: Well, that’s just sad! No woman should be without some fabulous ladypants!
Duchess Kate: What I lack in pants, I make up for it tenfold in – well, basically everything. But mostly, hair shininess.
Marisa: I’ll admit, your hair is its own unique kind of shiny. Tell me, was it always like that, or is that just the after-effects of getting to wear a tiara?
Duchess Kate: Actually, angels sweep down and coat your hair in glitter the moment you marry royalty.
Marisa: Ah. Well, that explains it.
Duchess Kate: I’m kidding, darling! Of course my hair was always this shiny. How can you bag a prince without Disney princess hair?
Marisa: Excellent point, Your Highness. Respect.
LUCY LIU vs. DITA VON TEESE
Lucy: There’s no time for niceties – these leather boots are not fucking around, and neither am I.
Dita: Well, never underestimate the power of a burlesque star with a really fierce and pointy umbrella.
Lucy: Burlesque? Is that still even a thing? I thought that kind of died when Gypsy Rose Lee did.
Dita: I’m basically Gypsy reincarnated. I mean, I’m forty years old and I’m still getting more beautiful by the day.
Lucy: Honey, you’re preaching to the choir. I haven’t aged a day since the Y2K panic ended.
Dita: I begrudgingly admit that you do like mightily fresh-faced and beautiful. But I’m still going to kick your ass.
Lucy: My gown is made out of metal, bitch. You don’t want to do battle with someone who’s wearing Versace armor.
Dita: The power of Elie Saab’s sparkles will protect me. I mean, look at these lace sleeves! What CAN’T this dress do?
Lucy: It can’t defeat my flower power, that’s for damn sure.
Dita: Think again, Lucy. You’re not the only one whose powder-blue gowns are adorned with florals.
KATE MARA vs. ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY
Kate: Well, Rosie, it’s an honor to be matched up with you for this epic battle, but I must say, I find your lipstick quite intimidating.
Rosie: That’s kind of the idea, Kate. No one slathers on wine-color lipstick to look sweet and approachable, for God’s sake.
Kate: Fair point. And though nothing can compete with the brightness of my Dior frock, you’re making quite a bold attempt at color yourself.
Rosie: I don’t need your patronizing bullshit, honey. I know how good my red Burberry suit is.
Kate: Those are some awfully ugly words from such a pretty lady.
Rosie: What are you, a middle-aged unhappily married Congressman? Who talks like that?
Kate: Sorry. I’ve been spending too much time on set with Kevin Spacey.
Rosie: Well, that explains it.
Kate: Let’s just agree that I’m going to defeat you handily because I’m fucking fabulous, okay?
Rosie: Aw, aren’t you cute. I’m a model and I’m wearing Gucci – you don’t have a shot in hell.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE vs. KATE BOSWORTH
Jennifer: What’s up, March Fabbers? I heard there was a battle raging, so I’m here in my perfect printed dress and ridiculously fun shoes to join in on the party.
Kate: Fabulous to meet you, Jennifer! Tell me, how is it that you’ve managed to get pretty much everybody on the planet to fall in love with you over the last year?
Jennifer: Um, unlike literally everyone else in Hollywood, I’m not entirely full of shit?
Kate: Ew. You’re earning people’s love through SINCERITY? Who does that?!
Jennifer: I mean, somebody has to remind America that we’re not all as insufferable and faux-gracious as Anne Hathaway, right?
Kate: Well, that’s an excellent point. The less people think we’re like Anne Hathaway, the better, I always say.
Jennifer: Exactly. One of us trips up the stairs on the way to collecting our Oscar, and one of us breathes “It came true!” in an obnoxious baby voice. Who would you rather have a beer with?
Kate: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I just pictured Anne Hathaway actually drinking a beer, and in my mind, she was holding it like a teacup and making faces like she was downing a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Jennifer: Yeah, I don’t think that girl’s even seen a complex carbohydrate in the last eighteen months. I’d feel bad if she weren’t so easy to make fun of.
Kate: There are no bad feelings in March Fabness, J.Law. Only blood, sweat, and fabulous fucking fashion.