Oh, it’s ON now, motherfuckers.

JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. YARA SHAHIDI

Jessica: Ah, youth.

Yara: I’m sorry?

Jessica: What I wouldn’t give to be sixteen again.

Yara: I’m eighteen.

Jessica: That’s not different.

Yara: It is to me.

Jessica: Oh, you sweet summer child. What do you know about the world?

Yara: Enough to know that your condescending language is reflective of society’s patriarchal tendency to tear down young women and girls, thereby contributing to our objectification and subjugation.

Jessica: I… um… what? Where did you even learn that?

Yara: I worked on Michelle Obama’s Let Girls Learn education initiative.

Jessica: Oh.

Yara: No, sorry, that one I actually heard in the partnership I created with the Young Women’s Leadership School to bring high school students together to discuss social issues and how to take action.

Jessica: Wow.

Yara: Yeah.

KATE MIDDLETON vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA

Kate: Um… Gen Z is the greatest! Yay, youth!

Kiernan: What?

Kate: Sorry, I just overheard Jessica Chastain getting completely schooled by Yara Shahidi.

Kiernan: Sounds about right.

Kate: God, I love your shoes. I wish I were allowed to wear flats.

Kiernan: You can’t wear flats?

Kate: Not unless I want to hear about it from my grandmother-in-law.

Kiernan: Is that a thing? Who worries about what their grandmother-in-law thinks?

Kate: Um…

Kiernan: OH! Oh, right. She’s like, the fucking queen. Duh.

Kate: Yes. So you can see my predicament.

Kiernan: Definitely. Well, at least you get to be married to Prince Harry!

Kate: Uh, no. That’s the other one.

Kiernan: Oh. Sorry.

JANELLE MONÁE vs. LUPITA NYONG’O

Janelle: This is obscene.

Lupita: It’s a crime, really.

Janelle: What are we doing in the same part of the bracket?

Lupita: Well… it is your fault, really.

Janelle: How is this my fault?

Lupita: You were seeded low, girl!

Janelle: Me?! I WON this shit last year!

Lupita: I remember. You didn’t beat me by that much.

Janelle: Whatever. Why was I seeded so low? I’m amazing.

Lupita: You’re fine, I suppose. Anyway, you wore like seven things this entire year, and then wore like 5 cool things in the last three weeks, after the brackets were finalized.

Janelle: So I’m getting penalized for having an incredible month on the red carpet?

Lupita: No, you’re getting penalized for having a boring six months on the red carpet before that.

Janelle: BORING? How dare you.

Lupita: Whatever. Step aside – it’s Lupita’s turn.

EMMA WATSON vs. DIANE KRUGER

Emma: Can you believe how goddamn stacked this bracket is?

Diane: It’s alright.

Emma: Fine, play it cool. I know it’s intimidating.

Diane: What is?

Emma: My many, many March Fabness championships.

Diane: Oh, sweetheart. Those days are over.

Emma: Like hell they are!

Diane: Is that a two-piece, or did you decide to belt that monstrosity?

Emma: You just don’t understand my aesthetic.

Diane: Can you pipe down? You’re interrupting my Prada moment.

Emma: Are you… are you wearing two chokers?

Diane: So what if I am?

Emma: That’s just sad.

Diane: Like your bangs!

—
© Democracy Diva, 2018.
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