Oh, it’s ON now, motherfuckers.
JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. YARA SHAHIDI
Jessica: Ah, youth.
Yara: I’m sorry?
Jessica: What I wouldn’t give to be sixteen again.
Yara: I’m eighteen.
Jessica: That’s not different.
Yara: It is to me.
Jessica: Oh, you sweet summer child. What do you know about the world?
Yara: Enough to know that your condescending language is reflective of society’s patriarchal tendency to tear down young women and girls, thereby contributing to our objectification and subjugation.
Jessica: I… um… what? Where did you even learn that?
Yara: I worked on Michelle Obama’s Let Girls Learn education initiative.
Yara: No, sorry, that one I actually heard in the partnership I created with the Young Women’s Leadership School to bring high school students together to discuss social issues and how to take action.
KATE MIDDLETON vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA
Kate: Um… Gen Z is the greatest! Yay, youth!
Kate: Sorry, I just overheard Jessica Chastain getting completely schooled by Yara Shahidi.
Kiernan: Sounds about right.
Kate: God, I love your shoes. I wish I were allowed to wear flats.
Kiernan: You can’t wear flats?
Kate: Not unless I want to hear about it from my grandmother-in-law.
Kiernan: Is that a thing? Who worries about what their grandmother-in-law thinks?
Kiernan: OH! Oh, right. She’s like, the fucking queen. Duh.
Kate: Yes. So you can see my predicament.
Kiernan: Definitely. Well, at least you get to be married to Prince Harry!
Kate: Uh, no. That’s the other one.
Kiernan: Oh. Sorry.
JANELLE MONÁE vs. LUPITA NYONG’O
Janelle: This is obscene.
Lupita: It’s a crime, really.
Janelle: What are we doing in the same part of the bracket?
Lupita: Well… it is your fault, really.
Janelle: How is this my fault?
Lupita: You were seeded low, girl!
Janelle: Me?! I WON this shit last year!
Lupita: I remember. You didn’t beat me by that much.
Janelle: Whatever. Why was I seeded so low? I’m amazing.
Lupita: You’re fine, I suppose. Anyway, you wore like seven things this entire year, and then wore like 5 cool things in the last three weeks, after the brackets were finalized.
Janelle: So I’m getting penalized for having an incredible month on the red carpet?
Lupita: No, you’re getting penalized for having a boring six months on the red carpet before that.
Janelle: BORING? How dare you.
Lupita: Whatever. Step aside – it’s Lupita’s turn.
EMMA WATSON vs. DIANE KRUGER
Emma: Can you believe how goddamn stacked this bracket is?
Diane: It’s alright.
Emma: Fine, play it cool. I know it’s intimidating.
Diane: What is?
Emma: My many, many March Fabness championships.
Diane: Oh, sweetheart. Those days are over.
Emma: Like hell they are!
Diane: Is that a two-piece, or did you decide to belt that monstrosity?
Emma: You just don’t understand my aesthetic.
Diane: Can you pipe down? You’re interrupting my Prada moment.
Emma: Are you… are you wearing two chokers?
Diane: So what if I am?
Emma: That’s just sad.
Diane: Like your bangs!