March Fabness 2018: Sweet 16, Part 1

Oh, it’s ON now, motherfuckers.

JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. YARA SHAHIDI

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Jessica in No. 21 vs. Yara in Gucci

Jessica: Ah, youth.

Yara: I’m sorry?

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Jessica in McQueen vs. Yara in Prada

Jessica: What I wouldn’t give to be sixteen again.

Yara: I’m eighteen.

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Jessica in Prada vs. Yara in Marni

Jessica: That’s not different.

Yara: It is to me.

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Jessica in Prada vs. Yara

Jessica: Oh, you sweet summer child. What do you know about the world?

Yara: Enough to know that your condescending language is reflective of society’s patriarchal tendency to tear down young women and girls, thereby contributing to our objectification and subjugation.

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Jessica in Elie Saab vs. Yara in Giambattista Valli

Jessica: I… um… what? Where did you even learn that?

Yara: I worked on Michelle Obama’s Let Girls Learn education initiative.

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Jessica in Zuhair Murad vs. Yara in Prada

Jessica: Oh.

Yara: No, sorry, that one I actually heard in the partnership I created with the Young Women’s Leadership School to bring high school students together to discuss social issues and how to take action.

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Jessica in Givenchy vs. Yara in Ralph Lauren

Jessica: Wow.

Yara: Yeah.

KATE MIDDLETON vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA

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Kate in Dolce & Gabbana vs. Kiernan in Miu Miu

Kate: Um… Gen Z is the greatest! Yay, youth!

Kiernan: What?

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Kate in Catherine Walker vs. Kiernan in Chanel

Kate: Sorry, I just overheard Jessica Chastain getting completely schooled by Yara Shahidi.

Kiernan: Sounds about right.

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Kate in Orla Kiely vs. Kiernan in Dior

Kate: God, I love your shoes. I wish I were allowed to wear flats.

Kiernan: You can’t wear flats?

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Kate in Gucci vs. Kiernan in Rosie Assoulin

Kate: Not unless I want to hear about it from my grandmother-in-law.

Kiernan: Is that a thing? Who worries about what their grandmother-in-law thinks?

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Kate in McQueen vs. Kiernan in Erdem

Kate: Um…

Kiernan: OH! Oh, right. She’s like, the fucking queen. Duh.

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Kate in McQueen vs. Kiernan in Delpozo

Kate: Yes. So you can see my predicament.

Kiernan: Definitely. Well, at least you get to be married to Prince Harry!

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Kate in Jenny Packham vs. Kiernan in Miu Miu

Kate: Uh, no. That’s the other one.

Kiernan: Oh. Sorry.

JANELLE MONÁE vs. LUPITA NYONG’O

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Janelle in Kaimin vs. Lupita in Zeynep Arcay Balmain

Janelle: This is obscene.

Lupita: It’s a crime, really.

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Janelle in Thom Browne vs. Lupita in Balmain

Janelle: What are we doing in the same part of the bracket?

Lupita: Well… it is your fault, really.

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Janelle in Armani Privé vs. Lupita in Armani Privé

Janelle: How is this my fault?

Lupita: You were seeded low, girl!

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Janelle in Dolce & Gabbana vs. Lupita in Atelier Versace

Janelle: Me?! I WON this shit last year!

Lupita: I remember. You didn’t beat me by that much.

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Janelle in Christian Siriano vs. Lupita in Ralph & Russo

Janelle: Whatever. Why was I seeded so low? I’m amazing.

Lupita: You’re fine, I suppose. Anyway, you wore like seven things this entire year, and then wore like 5 cool things in the last three weeks, after the brackets were finalized.

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Janelle in Christian Siriano vs. Lupita in Prada

Janelle: So I’m getting penalized for having an incredible month on the red carpet?

Lupita: No, you’re getting penalized for having a boring six months on the red carpet before that.

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Janelle in Ralph & Russo vs. Lupita in Versace

Janelle: BORING? How dare you.

Lupita: Whatever. Step aside – it’s Lupita’s turn.

EMMA WATSON vs. DIANE KRUGER

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Emma in BreelayneEdun vs. Diane in Givenchy

Emma: Can you believe how goddamn stacked this bracket is?

Diane: It’s alright.

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Emma in Kitx vs. Diane in Miu Miu

Emma: Fine, play it cool. I know it’s intimidating.

Diane: What is?

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Emma in Gabriela Hearst vs. Diane in Frame

Emma: My many, many March Fabness championships.

Diane: Oh, sweetheart. Those days are over.

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Emma in Miu Miu vs. Diane in Vera Wang

Emma: Like hell they are!

Diane: Is that a two-piece, or did you decide to belt that monstrosity?

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Emma in Louis Vuitton vs. Diane in Prada

Emma: You just don’t understand my aesthetic.

Diane: Can you pipe down? You’re interrupting my Prada moment.

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Emma in Burberry vs. Diane in Dior

Emma: Are you… are you wearing two chokers?

Diane: So what if I am?

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Emma in Ralph Lauren vs. Diane in Prada

Emma: That’s just sad.

Diane: Like your bangs!


© Democracy Diva, 2018.
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