Posts filed in:Weekly Fashion Recaps

The best and worst of celebrity fashion, week by judgmental week.

The Week in Fashion

It’s kind of the past two weeks in fashion; forgive me, I’ve been busy.

Best of the Runway

Valentino Fall 2010

Valentino’s fall 2010 collection was full of incredibly beautiful and unique looks. It concentrated a lot on that wavy design that this coat featured; the waves manifested themselves on different pieces of clothing and added evoked images of the ocean and maintained an architectural feel at the same time. Valentino wins even more of my love by making original, innovative pieces that are still not only wearable, but body-conscious and flattering.

Most Pathetic Degrassi Alum

Shenae Grimes

You may not have heard of Shenae Grimes, who graduated from my #1 guilty pleasure show Degrassi to the recent remake of 90210. I often forget her name, as to me she will always be Darcy, the frighteningly skinny Christian girl who was one of the first of Degrassi‘s “Let’s finally cast students who look like models to keep up with the entire rest of the television world,” also known as the downfall of the show. Because you KNOW what kept Degrassi magical was that all those kids looked like they really could have gone to school with you, except they say “aboot.” Anyway, Shenae will always remind me of the virginal tease who took slutty pictures of herself, got date-raped, cut herself, and went to Africa, or something.

So, I guess she’s dressed perfectly for the role. Oh, I know how to make myself totally badass after I’ve been on the two lamest shows of the 21st century – I’ll wear black nail polish and black toe nail polish and a black leather jacket with gold studs to show how tough I am. And I’ll wear a vest with nothing under it, because I’m just crazy like that, and I feel every minute that my midriff is not exposed is a minute wasted. I’ll top it with awkward chunky jewelry, an ill-fitting belt, uncomfortably high-waisted skinny jeans, and a really awful dye job! Honey, of course creepy old men are going to stalk you on the internet if you go out dressed like that!

Best of a New Fashion Icon

Lea Michele in Zac Posen

Lea Michele and Zac Posen have a lot in common. “Zac” and “Michele” both seem as if they’re missing a letter. And they both make me very happy. Kudos to Michele for pulling off a nearly impossible to wear shade of pink – this shit is Pepto Bismol meets Barbie, and she’s killing it. She looks long, lean, leggy, and utterly divalicious.

Worst at Everything

Katy Perry in The Blonds

Now, I hate Katy Perry on any given day. Her voice is terrible, she is nothing but shtick with no talent to back it up. She is awful-looking, awful-sounding, and generally bad for the universe.

And as if there weren’t enough reasons to hate her, she shows up at the Kids’ Choice Awards dressed like that. Let me reiterate: SHE WORE THIS TO A SHOW GEARED TOWARD CHILDREN. For God’s sake, woman, unless an emergency occurs in which you need to be the wet nurse for an infant on the red carpet, PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY. Also, if you have giant assymetrical titties, wear a bra. Just a suggestion.

Oh, and maybe wear pants around children. ‘Cause not everybody wants their kids staring at the crazy lady in the horrendous lipstick, bangs that were cut by a blind, angry child,  who also happens to be dressed like the cheapest whore in Vegas.

Worst Infraction by a Nobody

Jessica Lowndes

Well, I must have it in for the 90210 cast, because apparently this woman is a colleague of Ms. Shenae Grimes. That’s right, this nobody actually has a career. Could have fooled me.

Actually, I shouldn’t say that. It must be really difficult to be a Playboy bunny and a Christmas ornament all at the same time. That’s definitely a career.

Three words, dear: FIRE. YOUR. GAYS.

—
Check back soon for more on theatre, fashion, and everything else a diva could want.

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The Week in Fashion

Best of the Runway

 

Though no one above a size zero could really wear a dress with that tummy cutout in the middle, this dress is magnificent. I’d be shocked if we didn’t see this on the red carpet this season. My only hope is that stars brave it out and wear this dress exactly as its shown, instead of editing it down to something more boring. But this was the best piece in a pretty stellar collection by Versace.

Best and Worst

 

I was beyond relieved to see SJP step out in this gorgeous Lanvin frock. She used to be one of my favorite stars to watch on the red carpet, but in recent years, she seems to have made the conscious decision to stop aging gracefully and dress like a tween star. Thankfully, she resisted that urge, and wore something sexy, eye-catching, and age appropriate. Last week, I had a cab driver tell me I looked like Sarah Jessica Parker – maybe I can actually take that as a compliment?

Sarah Jessica Parker in Marchesa

Nope, it was definitely an insult to be told I look like this lady. And if it wasn’t, I’m certainly insulted now just by looking at this photo. I honestly believe that you would have to be 1/3 of SJP’s age to pull this off. And it’s not because it’s too sexy or revealing, because I think ladies of a certain age should still be able to sex it up. It’s just incredibly immature and clearly designed for a 16-year-old model to wear. Precious as this dress is, it looks completely insane on a 50+ woman. (I just checked, and apparently she’s only 44. She definitely looks above 50, by Hollywood standards, anyway.) SJP’s Team needs to put down the crackpipe and realize that they’re not dressing Miley Cyrus.

Most Offensive Shorts

 

Almost everything in this photo offends me. Let’s go through it point by point.

  • I always thought gladiator sandals were disgusting, but even if you disagree, they’re at least a few seasons out of style now.
  • That necklace is just too much with that outfit. Keep it simple.
  • Haven’t people learned better than to wear horizontal stripes, particularly with something high-waisted? Her legs look fierce, but her torso looks about an inch long.
  • I’m too busy vomiting to talk about how much I loathe those high-waisted baggy shorts.
  • She’s wearing too much blush, her eyebrows are too pointy, and that hairdo is oddly formal. Where are you going that requires an updo, a leather jacket, and fugly shorts? A black tie lesbian motorcycle convention?

When They Colonize The Moon, Let’s Send Her First

 

I am so tired of hating Jennifer Aniston. I really do wish she would just fade into oblivion so I wouldn’t have to see how sad and lonely and poorly dressed she is. She has possibly the most boring fashion sense of any star. This is not only boring, but unflattering and ill-fitting. Also, we get it. You’re a Greek girl with fabulous Greek coloring. Stop wearing Grecian gowns. It’s not cute anymore. She looks like she broke her arm but decided to incorporate the sling into the gown. It’s an awkward length, it drapes very unfortunately across her tummy, she looks like she can’t walk in it, and the color is blah. Also, either stay brunette or go to your colorist more often, because there’s no reason a woman as rich as you should have golden sun-kissed hair with black roots.

Best of the Week

 

To the premiere of her badass rocker film, and her first real adult role, Dakota Fanning wore something sweet and girly as can be. And I think that was a brilliant decision by an incredibly precocious and talented girl. Dakota Fanning will always keep us guessing about what she’s capable of. When we pegged her as a sweet child star, she took a role as a drinking, girl-kissing punk rocker. When we got used to her role in The Runaways, she showed us that she can still be poised, graceful, and feminine. The dress is gorgeous, especially on her porcelain skin. I hope she never gets into the fake tanning scene, because her delicate beauty is just incredible. We already knew she had a long career ahead of her, but now it’s clear that she’s got a lot more tricks up her sleeve.

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The Worst of the Week in Fashion

Let’s get bitchy.

Repeat Offender

Jessica Alba in Proenza Schouler

Let’s start at the top and work our way down. First off, FIRE YOUR HAIRDRESSER. Actually, fire everyone who saw you before you made it to the red carpet, because someone clearly should have told you that you look like an escaped mental patient. Next, that dress. It’s trashy, it’s Jennifer Lopez circa 2001, and you look like a mom trying to wear her daughter’s dress (and you’re only 28). And the matchy-matchy platform shoes? Honey, no. You look like you’re about to break your ankle, and I can’t say I’m upset about that.

Jessica Alba

I saw the top half of this photo and thought, okay. It doesn’t really seem like her taste, and it definitely doesn’t seem right for a formal event, and that bracelet next to that print is a bit much, but I do like that dress. Then I saw the black tights, and I thought, why? You’ve got nice legs – no need to hide them and make yourself look like a schoolgirl in the process. And then my eyes landed on the shoes, and my head exploded. Jessica, you need to get your life together. Sure, you have no talent and you’re famous for no reason, but you’re a pretty girl. There’s no reason for you to parade around in heels that the tackiest drag queen on Christopher Street wouldn’t even wear. Please, get help soon.

The Wannabe

Beyonce

Beyonce, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are not Lady Gaga. You will never be Lady Gaga. You are Beyonce, which is pretty decent – even fantastic, by most people’s standards. You should just try to be the best Beyonce you can be. And this 1940s pinup-girl-on-acid ensemble is something that you will look back on and regret. Like, tomorrow. I don’t care how many videos you do with Gaga – that doesn’t automatically make everything you wear interesting and provocative instead of flat-out ugly. Move on.

The Thoughts of the Sad Woman in this Dress

Julianne Moore

Hi, everybody! Um, so, I know y’all didn’t really go for my over-exaggerated Boston accent when I was on 30 Rock, but I don’t care! Because I’m still young and relevant and awesome! I can smear kohl all around my eyes, just like those little Gossip Girls! Can’t you tell how happy I am to be wearing Miss Piggy’s kimono by this wonderful smile on my face?! And obviously you can tell how fashion-forward I am, because I’m wearing a seatbelt as an accessory on the red carpet! LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT ALL OF THIS!! Okay, can I go home now?

Covergirl Gone Bad

 

What, you thought that just because she wore a Christian Siriano gown, I was going to go easy on RiRi this week? Bitch, please. There is so much wrong with this photo. The eyebrows that were drawn on with magic marker. The mouth that in no way resembles Rihanna’s mouth. The wink, which actually just makes her look like she was punched in the face (oof – too soon?). And the body, which sort of looks like she’s got a low-hanging boob coming out of her back, and no tits on her front. I don’t even blame Rihanna for this travesty – it’s not her fault she had dyslexic Photoshoppers who had no desire to make Rihanna actually look like Rihanna on this cover.

Harem Pants Nightmares

It saddens me to be the bearer of such horrible news: Not one, but TWO celebrities wore harem pants to Fashion Week events.

Ashley Olsen in a mistake

It’s a wrinkled, saggy harem jumpsuit, with an Oriental rug draped over it. But at least she got her hair blown out! (Also, her purse might be made of wood, which might be awesome, but I can’t really tell.)

Whitney Port in her pajamas

You know what? If it were finals week, and I was looking for something besides GW sweatpants that I could wear to Gelman and really be comfortable in, and I hadn’t slept in three days, and I was too wired from coffee to think straight… no, sorry. I still wouldn’t wear those God-awful pants. Harem pants are bad enough – but ROBIN’S EGG BLUE HAREM PANTS? With a tucked-in draped T-shirt? DURING FASHION WEEK? I’d start on her makeup, but I’m afraid she might use her magical genie powers to hurt me, so I’ll bite my tongue.

Remember, readers, I ain’t done blogging yet! It’s New York Fashion Week, which means runway shows are happening practically nonstop, so check here soon for what I loved and hated on the runway.

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The Best of the Week in Fashion

So many people wore so many different outfits this week that I had to split my weekly fashion recap into two parts! Here’s everything I loved this week, on the red carpet and on the street.

The Most Innovative

Wesfeld gown, made entirely of plastic

Project Runway alums Daniel Feld and Wesley Nault won a design contest called Plastics Make it Possible by making two couture gowns entirely out of plastic. This is one of them.

I cannot stop staring at this gown. The boys designed it before they even heard about the contest, and then decided it would be perfect for the challenge. It’s simply astounding.

A Surprise Victory

Rihanna in Christian Siriano

Okay. I hate Rihanna. But I love Christian. I am torn. But this is one of my favorite dresses ever, and while many people have been wearing adapted versions of it, this print is just astounding. And Rihanna’s not even fucking it up with ugly shoes or accessories. Even that hair, while an eyesore, is not as bad as usual. Okay, RiRi. I’ll give you this one. Just please, please, stop making music.

I Shouldn’t Like This… But I Do

Anne Hathaway in Marchesa

For the record, the weird red thing behind her is attached to the wall, not her dress. For a second I thought she was pooping roses. And I wasn’t even surprised, because if anybody could poop roses, it’s Anne Hathaway.

Anyway. The dress. It’s a short blue metallic feathered minidress. That sentence alone should make me cringe. But I absolutely love it. Sure, I’d like it more if the hem were an inch or two lower, but it looks expensive and glamorous and she is working the shit out of it. And since every single actor and actress of all time is in Valentine’s Day, it’s hard to stand out at such a star-studded premiere. But she did, thanks to Marchesa, and Annie’s makeup artist, who chose a lipstick that matches the red carpet. You deserve a raise.

Paparazzi

Lady Gaga in Marc Jacobs

This is absolutely my favorite paparazzi photo taken of any modern celebrity that I’ve ever seen. I think this douchebag cameraman caught a truly astounding moment. Gaga (in a gown Christina Ricci already wore), fixing her sheer white gown in the middle of a snowstorm, with her military hat, John Lennon glasses, black nail polish, and peace sign tattoo, is perfection. She’s such a fascinating combination of sweet and gritty, dark and light, and this picture captures that crazy Gaga essence perfectly.

The Samantha Award

Taylor Swift

I. Want. That. Dress. And her matching headband is precious.

Check back here later tonight for what you’re all really waiting for – the worst of the week in fashion!

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The Week in Fashion: Goth Gossip Girls and more!

Best of Paris Fashion Week, Take 2

 

If there is a such thing as being too cohesive, I think Armani Prive’s collection was exactly that. I don’t think Paris Fashion Week is the time to send nearly identical looks down the runway. The overall collection had a wide range, but so many of the outfits were barely distinguishable from one another. But my pulse still races when I see this dress. The model is working it, it’s incredibly beautiful, and even though it doesn’t look like Lady Gaga’s Grammys dress, it feels so similar, like they were both made out of the same recyclable materials to become something extravagant.

That’s a Costume, Not an Outfit

 

First of all, what I have told you about wearing several different shades of black? That’s an Intro to Fashion no-no. And high-waisted, pleated semi-jodhpurs with combat boots, a shirt that makes a size 2 girl look fat, and a black pirate shirt? She already looked like the saddest goth girl on the playground in 1997, and then she goes with heroin-chic eye makeup, ultra-pale skin, and red lipstick? Honey, you’re supposed to be the Queen of the Upper East Side. I understand that you are not Blair, but have some respect for the role that brought you into the spotlight, and make an effort to look attractive.

The Samantha Award

 

Another surprisingly fabulous look from another Olsen! This is exactly what I want to wander around the city wearing: super-expensive looking skinny jeans, boots, and an incredibly fabulous trench/peacoat hybrid. Keep it up, MK&A. I expect more non-homeless looks from you in the future!

Repeat Offender

 

It’s a puffy-sleeved sweatshirt with cutouts at the lovehandles and leather shoulder protectors. I can’t really say anything more horrible than that.

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The Week in Fashion: Everything Except the Grammys

Best of Paris Fashion Week

Christian Dior Haute Couture Spring 2010

This week was an exciting one for fashion, as the haute couture collections were showed in Paris. Christian Dior’s collection had me absolutely floored. I thought every look was fascinating, and the photos from the show seem so editorial, as if they were at a photo shoot instead of on the runway, as drapery and flowers covered the background of the runway show. The above photo was my favorite, because it’s basically Princess Barbie’s wedding gown, but the dramatic styling and accessories were a unique complement to every look. Well done as usual, Miseur Dior.

Repeat Offender

One of my least favorite people, Katy Perry, wore two disturbingly ugly outfits this week, and for that, she gets this week’s Repeat Offender award.

Snooki from Jersey Shore called. She wants her tacky American Apparel dress back.

And the next time you wake up in Vegas, make sure you don’t have a drag queen Pocahontas impersonator in bed next to you. And if you do, don’t steal her dress. She’s suffered enough.

The Samantha Award

This award goes out to the person whose wardrobe looks the most like mine (if I had way more money to spend on clothes).

Michelle Williams at Sundance

A blazer, a 90s-style flowered dress, tights, boots, and unkempt hair? That’s basically my uniform. I’d have dressed up more for a Sundance film premiere, but this is something I’d wear every day of my life if I could.

You’re Not Lady Gaga

Rihanna in Viktor & Rolf

What I hate about Rihanna (besides the fact that she has no talent and yet is incredibly successful) is that she thinks she is far more beautiful than she actually is. She gets horrifically ugly haircuts and wears hideous makeup as if to say, Look how beautiful I am! I can wear this and still be beautiful! Except, she can’t. She looks like a lunatic, and she (like Jessica Biel and Sandra Bullock) looks so out of place in a couture gown because of how ungraceful she is. And now she thinks she can get away with something as out there as Viktor & Rolf? I’d just like to remind everyone out there who is not Lady Gaga: You are not Lady Gaga. You cannot carry these crazy outfits like the true zany artist that you are, because you are all full of shit and don’t know how to wear anything high fashion. Lady Gaga can pull off those crazy outfits not because she is the most beautiful woman alive, but because she’s legitimately batshit. If you are neither graceful and beautiful, nor a complete loon, don’t bother wearing these outfits. Thank you and good night.

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The Week in Fashion: Mormons, Has-Beens, and Twins

This is the first of a new weekly series: A recap of the week in fashion (aside from big red carpet events, which are deserving of their own blog posts, of course). I’ll revive some categories week after week, but I’ll also throw in some new ones to keep y’all on your toes.

It Could Be Great, But…

Amanda Seyfried in Valentino at HBO's Golden Globes after-party

I see where this look is going, and I like the path that it’s on, but there is simply way too much happening. Here’s how I’d take this from over-the-top to perfection:

  • Those shoes would be nasty even with a simple dress, but they certainly don’t go with this ensemble. For something as complex as this outfit, stick to a basic shoe in black or ivory.
  • Keep the black lace draping and the invisible left shoulder. They’re brilliantly done, as is the old Hollywood hair and makeup.
  • Nix one of the two fabrics below the lace part. Using both looks indecisive and overwhelming.
  • The visible lines beneath the lace are interesting, if slightly off-putting. I’d keep just the vertical lines, to make her look slimmer and make the dress more wearable.

Sad Girls in Sad Outfits

Jessica Simpson at the LA premiere of Extraordinary Measures on Jan. 19

Guys, Jessica Simpson is having a rough time. She can’t hold on to a man, she can’t dress, her father makes awkward comments about her boobs, she’s untalented, and people keep ragging on her for her weight. So think of this not as a criticism, but as one girl trying to help another. God knows she needs it.

Hair and makeup actually look fantastic. Since the Tony Romo break-up, she’s been sort of wandering around LA with her hair a wreck, her roots showing, and her face swollen and puffy, like she was barely able to get off the couch and put down the pint of Ben & Jerry’s to come to that event. This is a huge turnaround for her. I mean, she still has that sadness in her eyes, but from the neck up, she looks more beautiful than she has in years.

But who are her People? You know, stylists, gay best friends, assistants, and whoever else is responsible for getting her dressed and out the door. Why did they allow this? Not that I object to all-black ensembles, but wearing three different shades of black (four, if you count the visible bra) is just unacceptable. This is one of those times when I want to remind everyone that when the cameras flash, your clothes don’t look the same as they do in your closet or when you walk out the door. And if you are hired to be on Team Jessica, it’s your job to know that, and plan accordingly.

That’s a Costume, Not a Dress

Keri Russell in Alexander McQueen at the LA premiere of Extraordinary Measures

Dear Felicity: You’re irrelevant, your shoes are ugly, and you look like you’re wearing the top half of a poorly made nun’s habit. Oh, and you have a pedosmile.

Frocks of the First Lady

Michelle Obama at the Red Cross Disaster Operations Center on Jan. 18

We’re going to wander weekly through this woman’s wardrobe, not just because she’s beautiful and fabulous, but because it’s super-easy, since she’s always out doing something, wearing something, and being photographed. Let me say first that the new bob does wonders for her. It flatters her face and makes everything she wears look more stylish. And this outfit represents everything a First Lady should: Grace, elegance, simplicity, and class. Good color, good fit, interesting and understated. Nice work, Mrs. Obama.

Best of the Week

Ashley Olsen in Erdem at the WB/InStyle Golden Globes after-party

I still can’t believe how much I love this, since I hate almost everything the Olsen twins wear. I get that boho chic is a trend some people dig, but I don’t think you always need to look like a homeless person. And it looks like Ashley finally agreed with me, when she went out in this uncharacteristically adorable dress.

I think the matchy-matchy shoes are a bit too bridesmaid, but from the ankles up, this is a perfect look. Most of the time, when the Olsens shy away from their usual garbage bag looks, they wear something insane and couture that ages them ten or fifteen years. But this dress is very youthful without sacrificing design. The color pops, and the dress has a lot of unique elements that don’t compete with each other. The bubbly skirt, the cascade of flowers, the to-the-elbow sleeves – they come off fun and kitschy instead of weird. I like the casual hair, because the color looks so great against that blue dress that it honestly doesn’t matter if she brushes it or not. And she looks shockingly fresh-faced, happy, and normal. Keep them coming, Ashley. I’d love to have more good things to say about you in the future.

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