I’m the first to admit that I don’t even remotely care about football. The game starts in half an hour, and I honestly don’t know who is playing. (The Colts? Is that a thing?) So today, I’ll be liveblogging the real show – the Superbowl commercials! (And the halftime show as well.)

According to my roommate Jill, this game involves Kendra’s (of Playboy bunny fame) husband Hank vs. Kim Kardashian’s beau Reggie. It’s the battle of the E! stars that you’re ashamed to admit you’re kind of obsessed with. So if I do any game analysis, it will obviously be from that angle.

Check back here once the game starts!

6:40 pm: Forgot I was supposed to be liveblogging. Sorry ’bout it.

6:42 pm: BETTY WHITE GETTING DOWN AND DIRTY! Full on laughter from the whole room at that Snickers commercial.

6:43: Pam & Tim’s Focus on the Family commercial is awful. Somehow that violence offended me more than people beating the shit out of Betty White.

6:45: A low-budget Superbowl Shuffle commercial that’s trying way too hard.

6:46: A dog just stole his owner’s Doritos. I approve.

6:51: Russel Crowe could play every character on earth, but he’s still just playing Gladiator over and over again.

6:52: Amazingly adorable black baby slapping a man in the face for taking his Doritos. So far, Doritos are the epic winners.

6:53: Bud Light’s doing great, with scientists making out with each other. This is what GW Engineering parties must look like.

6:53: The NCIS commercial also has people slapping each other. I’m sensing a theme tonight.

7:02: The Simpsons commercial – not sure where this is going yet. Ah, Coca Cola. I think this is a little stupid, but I never really got into the Simpsons.

7:03: Lesbian porn commercial. (AKA GoDaddy.com)

7:05: Autotune Bud Light! And T-pain makes a cameo. Phenomenally hilarious. Looks like it’ll be Bud Light vs. Doritos for the best commercials.

7:06: Was that a beaver playing the violin? I disapprove.

7:08: A bunch of bros driving around with a whale in their car. Not too bad, Bridgestone.

7:09: Everyone in my room is now humming the Free Willy theme.

7:10: Cars.com commercial is super-boring.

7:12: Our Wingos order is finally here! Expect the blogging to be a bit slower over the next few minutes as I inhale as much chicken as humanely possible.

7:18: More violence ensues as Budweiser makes a bridge out of humans for a Bud truck to run over. Also a cute commercial about women’s heart health.

7:21: Two consecutive commercials about people who don’t wear pants. I approve.

7:26: ANOTHER Bud Light commercial that made us laugh out loud!

7:27: That’s by far the weirdest and most unnecessarily complex Dove commercial ever. Do I need to pop out three kids before I can appreciate skincare?

7:36: These “look at all the manly things I do all day” commercials are getting a little old. And kind of depressing. Dodge Charger commercial – not sure if I like it or not.

7:37: Talking flowers? That’s a new low.

7:38: CSI in Space? My roommates have never been so excited.

7:40: ALICE. IN. WONDERLAND. This looks astoundingly trippy.

7:41: The people who came up with the Groundhog Day football commercial need to be fired.

7:44: Harry Potter Park! It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of, minus the threeway with Ron and Harry!

7:46: Okay, now I’m officially getting sick of incredibly sexist commercials where women exist only as a) shallow manipulators of men or b) lesbian porn stars.

7:48: Nothing is sadder than a dejected robot. But that was not a particularly good commercial.

7:52: We’re hoping this awesome “My Generation” commercial is for Pepsi. Nothing is like Spongebob in between clips of Sadaam Hussein. But it was actually for some random-ass mobile TV watching thing.

7:53: Guess some random weather man’s name? Really? Is this what we’re stooping to?

7:53: The dramatic chipmunk commercial would have been funny… in like 2007.

7:59: I’m actually going to enjoy the half-time show and write my quips about it when the third quarter starts.

8:02: Nope, couldn’t resist. I think you should have someone under age 8000 on stage during the halftime show.  The laser light show is awesome, but these guys are just too old. Except for their 5-year-old drummer.

8:03: Also, they’re singing a song about Teenage Wasteland. Irony. Furthermore, they’re screaming because their voices are no longer beautiful.

8:08: Well, at least they’re playing one of my favorite Who songs (“See Me, Feel Me”).

8:09: The Halftime show should never be just one band. It should be a bunch of artists, young and old, being awesome together. Lady Gaga on lead vocals for “Baba O’Reilly” would have really improved this, don’t you think?

8:12: The lights should not be better than the band.

8:29: Punchbuggie no punchbacks FTW.

8:30: No, I’m sorry, the winner is NPH holding a “CALL BARNEY STINSON” sign.

8:39: All the good commercials happened already.

8:50: Google had a cute commercial. Everything else is boring.

8:52: Sock monkey making a snow angel. I’m confused.

8:57: A lot of people joyously cheering on football teams – an NFL commercial thanking the fans. That actually made me happy.

8:59: A bunch of children pledging their allegiance to America’s debt to China. My roommate Rox: “This is…. interesting. I’m interested to see where this is going.”

9:06: Beyonce’s doing something and there are aliens and robots and zombies and shit.

9:13: This has gotten really boring for the blogstress and the readers, I’m sure. So I’m going to go look at more interesting things to blog about tomorrow. And maybe watch some big love.

Enjoy the rest of your wings, and the snow, if you’ve got it.

This is a response to Kurt Andersen’s New York Magazine story, “Is Democracy Killing Democracy?” All quotes cited are from that article.

As a political science major and an elitist snob, I feel qualified to tear apart the inaccuracies in Andersen’s humorous, entertaining, and largely ignorant attempt at political academia for non-academics in New York Magazine. Let’s dive into this mess and see what we can make of it.

Inaccuracy #1: Madison and the other founders were elitists who feared the power of the common man.

“[The founders] wanted a government run by an American elite like themselves… They wanted to make sure the mass of ordinary citizens, too easily “stimulated by some irregular passion … or misled by the artful misrepresentations” and thus prone to hysteria—like, say, the rabble who’d run amok in Boston Harbor—be kept in check.”

This is an oversimplification. It’s true that Madison did want a powerful institution that would allow the federal government to override factious passions, a policy called the Negative. But in spite of Madison’s monumental efforts in lobbying for the Negative, it did not make the final draft of the Constitution because it was considered undemocratic. So his fellow founders certainly had a conception of the rights of the people; that was why they struck down Madison’s Negative idea.

Furthermore, the Boston Harbor reference is completely inaccurate. Above all else, Madison and the founders believed that the people had the right – even the responsibility – to rebel against an unjust government that did not respect their liberty. The founders would not have wanted to crush a nonviolent protest like the Boston Tea Party; in fact, they would have regarded it as the citizen’s duty to overthrow a monarch who ignored them.

Inaccuracy #2: America is more democratic now than it used to be.

I guess it depends on how you define “democracy.” What Andersen cites as uber-democratic are things like filibustering and the power of very vocal, possibly extremist minorities to gain media coverage and attention from political elites. Andersen defines democracy by yelling; I define democracy by voting.

With respect to voting, America is no more democratic than it was fifty or a hundred or two hundred years ago. Sure, we have more access to voting than we used to, but it’s access that most people take for granted. In the supposedly historic and life-changing election of 2008, only 60% of eligible voters felt motivated enough to go to the polls. And during non-presidential elections, like the 2006 Congressional race, turnout was down to 37%. How can we be living in Andersen’s uber-democracy if so few people’s views are actually represented?

“When the Constitution was written and the Senate created, there were around 4 million people in America, or about one senator for every 150,000 people. For Congress to be as representative as it was in 1789, we’d need to elect 2,000 senators and 5,000 House members.”

This is a blatant manipulation of statistics to make a point. First of all, not all districts are the same size. If we had to redistrict in order to keep the populations in each district equal, we’d never get anything done. So some people will always have more representation than others – people in small districts have more individual power to their vote than people in large districts. Since there are huge discrepancies between district sizes, you cannot generalize a national ratio of representatives to citizens. And each senator did not represented 150,000 people – they represented the far fewer number of property-owning white Protestant males that were permitted to vote. They may speak for the entire state, but they only truly represent the views of the voters.

Inaccuracy #3: Obama was not elected as a populist, but is becoming increasingly populist.

Andersen ignores everything that happened in the two years preceding Obama’s inauguration, and claims that some of his anti-Wall Street, anti-corporate rhetoric are signs of him becoming more populist, which is not a platform that he was elected upon. Obama is not now becoming populist. He ran a full-on populist campaign! If we remember only one thing about the 2008 campaign, it’ll be the word CHANGE. Obama presented himself as the anti-Politician, the savior of a nation destroyed by over-governance and manipulation by political elites, the one trustworthy man in a sea of liars and thieves. That message was far more populist than anything he’s come out with since taking office. He wanted people to rule instead of politicians. And that makes perfect sense – it’s easy to be anti-government when someone else is in power, and you can point to them and say, “You’re fucking this up.” Once you become the government, it’s much trickier to remain anti-government.

Inaccuracy #4: The government will take loons like the modern Tea Party protesters seriously.

Andersen doesn’t think there are enough “sober designated drivers” in government who will ignore the loud populist factions in favor of a larger national purpose. He thinks the government’s kneejerk reaction to listen to whoever is loudest will reign supreme.

Say it with me, friends: It’s all about the Benjamins. Money wins elections. Politicians will listen to people with money so that they can win elections. Doesn’t matter if they’re populist, anarchist, the religious right or the bleeding heart liberals: The groups with the money will always be heard. It’s not how loud you scream – it’s how much you spend.

Inaccuracy #5: Andersen’s concluding sentence.

“When it comes to reenacting our patriotic founding story, we’d better keep choosing to play the deliberative gentlemen engaged in careful compromise more than the apoplectic vandals dressed up as Indians and throwing things overboard.”

I have so many responses to this running through my head that I can’t even single one out to explain it. My first reaction was, This doesn’t make any fucking sense. Let me try and explain all the flaws in this single sentence.

1. Why and how are we reenacting our founding story? What does he see in our nation that is trying to replicate the late 18th century? Our population has completely changed, as have our methods of electing representatives. Sure, we still use the Constitution, but I’m not sure that qualifies as reenacting our founding story. Is just electing presidents a reenactment of our founding story? Andersen, tell us what you mean!
2. What does he mean by “patriotic founding story”? They founded the country; of course they were patriotic. If they weren’t patriotic, they would have stayed in England. Or lost the war.
3. “Deliberative gentlemen engaged in careful compromise.” Who exactly is he hinting at here? Certainly not presidents like FDR and Lincoln and even Bush, who were anything but careful and made controversial decisions in order to save our nation (whether or not they were successful is another story). And certainly not presidents like Jefferson and Kennedy and Clinton, whose extramarital affairs proved that they were certainly not gentlemen. History does not remember deliberative gentlemen, and elections do not reward careful compromise. Elections reward compromise after spewing rhetoric for months; you have to first play to your dedicated party base, and then compromise in order to get anything done.
4. Um, obviously we’re not going to fill the Congress with protestors pretending to be racial minorities in order to blame their illegal protesting methods on somebody they already hate. I don’t think anybody is really worried about that happening.

And just so Andersen doesn’t think I’m too harsh on him…

Undoubtedly Factual Statement #1: “Jefferson was America’s first great free-spending, radicchio-growing, cheese-and-wine-importing, European-architecture-loving liberal.”

I can’t argue with that.