And so ends another glamorous week on the red carpet.
MILA KUNIS // dress and shoes by Elie Saab
Most of the bloggers I read questioned why Mila reverted back to this ballerina, Black Swan-promoting style, but I think a true diva gets to dress like a swan queen whenever the fuck she wants. I’m not crazy about the netting, which always takes things to an ice dancer place. And I can’t even believe how awful her fake tan is – her ankles are about ten shades darker than her calves, and you can see the fucking line of where her tan changes. That’s unacceptable, Ms. Kunis, even when you’re dressed like a chic ballerina in KILLER heels. Let’s get a close-up…
From this angle, you can see how exquisite those shoulder embellishments really are. And I hope those chain headbands become a trend, because they look AMAZING. They bring just a touch of edginess and rock to an otherwise angelic look, and we all know I’m a sucker for gritty-meets-pretty.
I hope it’s a dress, and not a jumpsuit, but I love when Gaga goes to her elegant, old Hollywood looks. When she stops running around town in nothing but pasties and twelve-inch heel-less platforms, she can look incredibly chic.
JAIME KING // dress by Valentino
I have absolutely no clue who this is, but her Valentino gown is exquisite. So whoever you are, Jaime King, let’s be friends. So I can borrow that dress.
ANNA WINTOUR // dress by Balenciaga, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
It’s overly boxy, and the bottom print is downright ugly, but Anna knows how to work pretty much any garment, as long as it costs about as much as the average car.
DITA VON TEESE // shoes and purse by Christian Louboutin
Bloggers were positively drooling over this, but I’m not a fan. There’s just so much, between the floral print, the two-toned, giant scarf worn as a belt, the dead chicken she’s using as a purse… it comes off looking a little disjointed. A dress this busy doesn’t need the world’s loudest accessories.
Fun. Everybody needs to start wearing evening gloves, all the time, no matter what. They just make everything look fucking fabulous.
My jaw DROPPED when I realized this classy, stylish young woman was none other than hot tranny disaster Miley Cyrus. That girl’s fashion history has been a downright trainwreck, so I’m shocked that she hit the red carpet in something so… PRETTY. It’s safe, sure, but we need to take baby steps with this one. It fits her beautifully, it’s sexy enough to make her feel like a woman without being so vulgar that you feel like you need to register as a sex offender after you look at it. The hair and makeup could use some work, and I’d have thrown on a blingtastic bracelet, but other than that – it looks like Miley actually developed a fashion sense!
OLIVIA PALERMO // dress by DKNY, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
Head-to-toe awesomeness. It’s an itsy-bitsy woman who can pull off all this pleating and draping and colorblocking, but the proportions are pretty fantastic, and the accessories are absolutely perfect.
KELLY ROWLAND // dress by Cushnie et Ochs, shoes by Alejandro Ingelmo
I want to hate this, because it doesn’t look out of place in someone’s S&M dungeon, but I kind of love it. The hair and makeup are dramatic and stylish; the jewelry and shoes are over-the-top in a delightful way; and the dress, though fairly slutty, looks un-fucking-believable on her perfect little figure. Plus, she seems to be at some sort of event thrown in her honor, which means she gets to wear something that screams, “LOOK AT ME, BITCHES! LOOK HOW FUCKING GOOD I LOOK!”
RACHEL WEISZ // dress by Valentino, clutch by Judith Leiber
Those are some awfully weird shoulders, and I’ll throw up if I see another pair of nude pants with a red dress, but she looks pretty glam. And I want to steal her purse.
This biddie again? Still liking her, but I hope she knows that other dresses exist besides full-length floral gowns with three-quarter length sleeves.
GET THESE GIANT BRAIDS AWAY FROM ME! Also, she’s got to be joking, pairing those shoes with this gown. There’s gritty-meets-pretty, and there’s a lady in a grandma dress with punk-rock shoes. But at least the purse is spectacular.
MIRANDA KERR // dress by Lover, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I don’t think those shoes even remotely go with this dress, but when you’re a Victoria’s Secret Angel married to Orlando Bloom, there are no rules. There is only sex, and lots of it.
JESSICA ALBA // dress by Alice + Olivia, shoes by Brian Atwood
Is it just me, or is Jessica way more fashionable when she’s pregnant? There are plenty of stars who rock super-cute maternity wear, but she’s the only one who looks way better when she’s with child than when she’s not.
JENNIFER LOPEZ // dress by Emilio Pucci
I will say nothing negative about this dress, because this photo was taken only a few days after her divorce went public. The fact that she could leave the house fully dressed and made-up at such a difficult time impresses me more than I can say. And I may be a bitch, but I won’t kick a girl when she’s down, even when her dress is giving me acid flashbacks.
OLIVIA WILDE // gown by Dolce & Gabbana
The makeup is TERRIBLE – unless she’s an extra on The Addams Family, in which case, she fits in perfectly. This funereal, rich-man’s-widow gown is just depressing.
I know this doesn’t actually reveal that much skin, but it gives the appearance that she’s half-nude, so it still feels prostitutional. [Editor’s Note: Yes, I just invented that word, and yes, I know it’s awesome.] The shoes and sex hair don’t really help.
I am in awe of the power of Lady Gaga’s breasts, who are defying all laws of physics by remaining inside this dress. But this looks like the lovechild of Elvira and Christina Aguilera, which clearly is not a compliment.
FREIDA PINTO // dress by Juan Carlos Obando, shoes by Brian Atwood
Oh, Freida! What a waste of fabulousness. Such a lumpy, ill-shapen, droopy dress belongs in the trash, not on one of the world’s most beautiful women. The color is terrific, and I love the bracelet, but I can’t forgive the fit of this dress. And I’m so bored of nude patent-leather peep-toe platform pumps (try saying that five times fast) that I can’t even look at this photo for another second.
GINNIFER GOODWIN // dress by Roksanda Ilincic
Why? Why would a girl with porcelain skin wear this much neon yellow? Why would a girl of any size or shape tie a merkin to a string, wrap it around a garbage bag, and call it a dress? WHY?!
SOFIA VERGARA // gown by Missoni
If you look up tacky in a dictionary, this is the picture you’ll find. The dress might have worked on Cher or Diana Ross in the 70s, but it’s downright absurd on a modern woman. The purple cuff and bangles are far too much; when you add the purple purse, the aqua bracelet, and the giant aqua earrings, it’s just a hot disaster.