There’s fashion afoot, dear readers.
ZOE SALDANA // dress by Prabal Gurung, clutch by Alexander McQueen
I’m trying hard to be open-minded and like this, because it’s daring and interesting, but let’s just say it: she looks like a cartoon character. Those sleeves really belong on a different dress. Love the clutch, though.
DIANE KRUGER // dress by Prabal Gurung, clutch by Ferragamo, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
The bottom half of the dress is just so much nicer than the top. The skirt part of this dress looks like impeccable hand-sewn couture. The top half looks like what Ke$ha will wear when she gets old.
HELEN MIRREN // dress by Michael Kors
At 66 years old, Helen Mirren is STILL one of the sexiest women in Hollywood, and this is why. Look at that rack! The dress is hot and fits her perfectly, but I wish it were just a tiny bit shorter. This length makes her legs look awfully stumpy. Love the chic bob, though!
KELLY OSBOURNE // dress by Manish Arora
This dress is what the Project Runway judges would call “overdesigned.” Actually, Michael Kors would probably screech something like, “She looks like a geisha alien who just time-traveled here from the Victorian era!” That’s all probably true, but there’s something modern and chic about this look. The hair and makeup really help. A black shoe might have been better.
KATIE HOLMES // dress by Calvin Klein Collection, shoes by Lanvin
Love the shoes. Wish the dress had anything remotely interesting for me to discuss. I like the sleeves, I guess?
I’ll be nice to the newlywed/future divorcée, because for once, she looks pretty good. The shoes are six inches of drop-dead gorgeous, and that little bolero over the dress is SUPER cute. We’ll forgive the excruciatingly tight dress because it’s Kim Kardashian, and expecting her to wear a dress that fits is just going to lead to disappointment.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin
She looks like a character in a horror film, or maybe that Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode with the girl in the dollhouse. There’s something disturbing about the uneven red bob, the bottle and a half of eyeliner, her white skin, her invisible shoes, and her 1980s prom dress.
KRISTEN BELL // top and shorts by Alberta Ferretti, shoes by Casadei
Why? Why are we wearing junge-print shorts, a lace tablecloth, and salmon-colored shoes? WHY?
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY // bag by Mulberry, sunglasses by Burberry
These shorts are pretty phenomenal, but those slouchy uneven boots are a little out of style.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY // purse by Mulberry
I would cut off her legs to get my hands on those boots.
SELENA GOMEZ // dress by Dream Out Loud
Did she just sign a new contract with Disney? Why is she dressing like a sartorially-impaired tween all of a sudden?
ASHLEY GREENE // dress by L’Wren Scott, purse by Bottega Veneta, shoes by Jimmy Choo
The cut of the dress is interesting and might even be cute, but that print is atrocious. I love the color of the purse, but I hate the color of those shoes.
It’s a little too “LOOK AT MY IMPLANTS!” for my taste, but I actually like this dress and the gray shoes she paired it with. However, those hair extensions are so fake, I hope for Nicole’s sake that she’s not a smoker – one flick of a lighter and that polyester hair might explode.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON // dress by Roland Mouret
This color dress paired with the colors in her hair and makeup is just so off-putting. She’s like eighty different shades of orange-pink. This hair color really doesn’t work for her at all. And honestly, I think she looked much more beautiful when she was a few pounds heavier.
JULIANNE MOORE // dress by Bottega Veneta
Julianne Moore, just stop going out in public. I don’t even know what to say to you anymore.
News broke this week that the Garner-Affleck clan is adding a new member: Jennifer is once again with child. As you can clearly tell from her hiding-the-bump pose in this picture. She opts for this super-saturated blue a lot, which comes off as pretty severe in photos. But those shoes are kind of gorgeous.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Doo.Ri, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Jessica, you are a stunningly beautiful ginger woman. Stop wasting it on droopy-drapey, unflattering dresses that are sure to spark unfounded pregnancy rumors.
ANNE HATHAWAY // top and pants by Elizabeth and James
From the waist-up, she’s a sailor; from the waist-down, she’s Joey Buttafuoco.
Today is Rupert Grint’s 23rd birthday, which will not stop me from making fun of his tacky T-shirt and those ratty sneakers he refuses to stop wearing.
OLIVIA PALERMO // blouse and trousers by Tibi, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
There’s high fashion, and there’s shit nobody actually looks good in. Clearly, this is the latter.
RIHANNA // jumpsuit by Antonio Berardi, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Rihanna used to make weekly appearances in these posts, nearly always with a WORST DRESSED designation, but her craziness has slowed in recent months. Luckily, she knew there was a void in the fugliest looks of the universe, and brought THIS outfit into our lives. I’m not sure why she’s dressed up like Big Bird’s drag queen cousin, or what the fuck is happening with her hair, but at least she’s here, dear readers.