NICKI MINAJ // gown by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Alexander McQueen
The orange makeup, bubblegum lips, and cotton candy hair really aren’t working for me, but the gown is phenomenal. That skirt is a work of art. I just wish music stars would realize that pink hair has been done too many times and retire that supposedly bad-ass hair style altogether. And Nicki just needs to wear, like, a quarter of the amount of makeup she’s currently wearing.
KATY PERRY // gown by Vivienne Westwood
I wish the gown itself were more of a color, but Katy’s working the shit out of it and her tits look amazing. I won’t repeat my pink hair tirade, but I will say that I dig the flower in her hair. The blue shoes are killing me – they’ve become the go-to shoe for those who are too stylish to wear a go-toe shoe, and it’s annoying. But her waist looks itsy bitsy and her curves are phenomenal, so you can’t ask for too much more.
JENNIFER LOPEZ // gown by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Jimmy Choo
This season, on Dancing With The Stars: ON ICE … Jennifer Lopez!
Julie Bowen is twice the age of half these bitches and looks better than all of them. The dress is adorable, that messy updo is fabulous, and she’s got a killer set of stems.
HEIDI KLUM // dress by Giles, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
Is she wearing a blue leotard under this? I just can’t support that.
SELENA GOMEZ // gown by Giorgio Armani, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I think I like it until the hips, where everything starts to melt into a hot disaster. The hair, makeup and jewelry are lovely, very old Hollywood glamour, along with the precious little purse. The shoes are a little matchy for me, but it works on Selena. The seams in the busy look a little strange, but the dress is otherwise inoffensive until the hips, when the gown suddenly turns into a scarf wrapped around itself, and all hell breaks loose. The slit, the fringe, the draping and wrapping – it’s just too much for one gown.
Is he wearing a velvet suit with sneakers? How am I supposed to respond to this? Also, is he trying to encourage people to say that he looks like a lesbian? Because this sure does the job.
TAYLOR SWIFT // gown by Reem Acra
She wore a blush Elie Saab version of this gown to the Billboard Music Awards five months ago; and another shorter Elie Saab version last month. Just using evidence to support my view that when it comes to fashion, she’s as predictable as can be.
JENNY MCCARTHY // dress by Victoria Beckham
She looks pretty fucking fierce. The dress is adorable, and the color is especially fantastic. Her hair and makeup are a little extreme, but it’s the AMAs and she’s wearing something that doesn’t short her nipples, so she’s allowed to have fun with the styling. Though I usually hate ankle booties with short dresses, I think these actually work with the eggplant-colored dress and gray belt.
Cut off that fucking rat tail of a braid, Alanis. And stop trying to use a belt to mask the fact that your gown doesn’t fit – it’s not convincing anyone. And lend me those shoes, because they’re cute.
KATHERINE HEIGL // gown by Roberto Cavalli, shoes by Jimmy Choo
This feels a little like Katherine Heigl doing an impression of Blake Lively, doens’t it? I guess that’s a nice way of saying she’s desperately clinging to youth. Anyway, the hair is predictably awful and the earrings are hideous, but the dress itself isn’t horrible. The color is kind of drab, and there’s an unnecessary amount of breast, but I’ve seen her in worse. Not sold on the shoes, though. Let’s check out the back:
What bothers me most is how seriously she clearly took this event, even though it’s the AMAs and she’s not even a musician. Like, this is not the Katherine Heigl show, or even a show relevant to Katherine Heigl. Don’t dress like it’s the goddamn Emmys and you’re taking home an award tonight.
MATTHEW MORRISON // suit by Dolce & Gabbana
Ugh. There are women here in ballgowns. You could at least not expose your suspiciously hairless chest, Mr. Schue.
JENNIFER MORRISON // dress by Temperley London
The top of the dress works with the cute hippie hair and the laid-back makeup. But the color washes her out terribly, the shoes are boring, and the hem on this is just a nightmare.
JENNIFER HUDSON // dress by Jenny Packham, shoes by Christian Louboutin
It’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Love the shoes, but not with that dress.
BRUNO MARS // suit by Dolce & Gabbana
Why are buttons an all-or-nothing thing with these men?! There is space in between Matt Morrison’s Persian night club owner aesthetic and Bruno Mars’s Mormon chic look, isn’t there?
SARAH HYLAND // dress by Amen, shoes by Brian Atwood
Her extensions look like they’re about to fall out, and that makeup is way too heavy for her. It ages her about eight years. And that dress does nothing for her figure – it’s like two cute little legs coming out of a box.
AUDRINA PATRIDGE // dress by Joey Tierney, purse and shoes by Versace
Why bother wearing clothes at all?
Gay Dracula is here, and he looks pissed that his double-breasted shiny vest is about two sizes too small.
MARY J BLIGE // gown by Roberto Cavalli
Nope. Animal print gowns are over. Let’s let this trend die once and for all.
Check back later for the truly insane outfits from the AMAs performances. You seriously will not believe the fugliness until you see it!