SERENA WILLIAMS in New York City // dress by Donna Karan, shoes by Valentino
Um, can I just give a resounding “GET IT, GIRL!” to Serena Williams? This dress is HEAVEN on her. It’s not easy to dress a muscular woman, but girl is working her hot red Donna Karan dress. The shoes are a nice surprise, and the hair is fucking fabulous.
ELIZABETH OLSEN at the Gotham Independent Film Awards // gown by Valentino
Oh, darling, no. The way this dress cuts you right across your tummy like that? Just unfortunate. You look like a spoiled little girl in your grandmother’s closet. Cute purse, though.
VICTORIA BECKHAM at the British Fashion Awards // gown by Victoria Beckham
Ugh, we get it. It’s SO HARD to be you, Posh. Fuck off.
VICTORIA BECKHAM in Los Angeles // boots by Christian Louboutin
Okay, fine, I forgive you, because your dress is precious, your boots are amazing, and your baby is SCRUMPTIOUS. Look at those cheeks. I’m kvelling hardcore.
KATE HUDSON at the British Fashion Awards // gown by Stella McCartney
Someone’s worn a Stella McCartney dress with a weird cut-out on it every week for the last month, and I’m tired of it. There’s nothing attractive about that shape. I like the eyeliner, but the hair is just lazy.
ALEXA CHUNG at the British Fashion Awards // dress and purse by Christopher Kane, shoes by Charlotte Olympia
It’s official: Hipsters ruin EVERYTHING.
CHLOË MORETZ at the London premiere of Hugo // dress by Emilio Pucci
It’s part Madonna, part Peter Pan, and part nun’s habit, and I just can’t support that. Tights with sandals? I know she’s fourteen, but come ON.
SHAILENE WOODLEY at the Gotham Independent Film Awards // suit by Dolce & Gabbana
These bitches are KILLING me with the long braids. It’s just horrific. Everyone looks like they’re going to be nesting some birds on their shoulders in a few weeks. I won’t have this, starlets. The pants don’t fit her particularly well, and you know I can’t stand that Big Love buttoned-up thing, but the shoes are sexy.
MIRANDA KERR at a Victoria’s Secret event // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, purse by Stella McCartney
Miranda, you really don’t need to work this hard. Leopard print, with your tits out, with that drag queen makeup? You don’t need it, girl. Just keep that fabulous purse – or better yet, give it to me.
ANGIE HARMON in New York City // gown by Jean Fares, shoes by Christian Louboutin
This is a Heidi Klum gown, not an Angie Harmon gown. Wrong purse, wrong nails, wrong hair, and let’s face it, wrong boobs.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER in New York City // dress and shoes by Louis Vuitton
It’s slightly more forgivable when you consider that the event she’s at is called the Snowflake Ball. But I’m not sure anyone but SJP took that title to mean that they should dress up as the love child of a snowflake and a disco ball.
CHARLIZE THERON at the Gotham Independent Film Awards // dress and shoes by Gucci, purse by Alexander McQueen
Why do starlets just refuse to wear clothing that fits them? Is there a reason she’s swimming in this dress? And the necklaces just make it worse.
HEIDI KLUM in Toronto // suit by Michael Kors, shoes by Christian Louboutin
That makeup is actually terrifying. All I can think of is Columbia from Rocky Horror. And that suit is ridiculous on her. The sleeves are so short, and the pants so long, that she literally looks like a circus clown on stilts. Maybe she can wear one of those hideous outfits from that godforsaken episode of Project Runway.
OLIVIA PALERMO at the British Fashion Awards // dress by Matthew Williamson, purse by Charlotte Olympia, shoes by Topshop
I could get behind the dress at least in theory, if not in practice. But the shoes? The purse? No woman is hot enough to make those look fashionable, Olivia, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, do your hair.
JESSICA SIMPSON in New York City // dress by Donna Karan, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
Sweet JESUS. Whoever told pregnant Jessica Simpson to wear a skintight wrap mini-dress should be shot. That Miss Kentucky hair style is even worse. The shoes are fab, but pairing them with that color dress was utter insanity.
ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO at a Victoria’s Secret event
Good LORD, these Victoria’s Secret models just love to remind us that they have breasts, don’t they? It’s like the second they get off the runway, they think people won’t recognize them unless they’re half naked. Anyway, she looks like a demented and underfed Brooke Shields.
KATE BECKINSALE in West Hollywood // dress by Tadashi Shoji, shoes by Brian Atwood
You look like you’re wearing the world’s fanciest diaper. Get a grip on yourself, woman! Who wears something like this in public? Also, that wig is so fake, it looks photoshopped onto your head.
KATE MOSS at the British Fashion Awards // shoes by Christian Louboutin
I just hate everything about Kate Moss.
TAYLOR SWIFT at the CMT Awards in Nashville // dress by Porcelain, shoes by Christian Louboutin
She looks so posed and styled to within an inch of her life that I almost feel sad. The pointed toes, the knee shyly bent in, the sassy hand on the hip, the closed-mouth smile, the bedroom eyes – and that’s not even the outfit, which is so stereotypically Taylor I might throw up all over it. The dress is actually sort of cute, but she could actually look like a real person instead of a cartoon princess if she threw on black pumps, more jewelry (but not diamonds), and a less absurd shade of lipstick. Just a thought, Taylor.