DIANE KRUGER // gown by Jason Wu
Diane Kruger is such a fashion badass, she’s wearing Jason Wu Resort 2013 – a collection that hasn’t even been presented yet. To me, that’s the difference between a designer’s muse (Diane Kruger) and someone they gift dresses to for publicity. I’m not usually a fan of the sheer skirt over another dress, but it’s so masterfully done here. The navy and black lace look beautiful together, and the styling is fantastic.
DIANE KRUGER // dress by Calvin Klein, shoes by Givenchy
Diane, darling, that’s just not where breasts go. The dress itself is lovely, if kind of a funny length with those sandals, but her tits look like they’re in pain.
FAN BINGBING // gown by Christopher Bu, purse by Elie Saab
Here’s the delicious Fan Bingbing again, and this time she’s donning a dress embroidered with Chinese mythical women, and her hair is apparently also a reference to a Chinese legend. You have to love the woman who mixes high fashion with traditional history, especially when her green striped purse is to DIE for. The pop of green in the earrings and the gorgeous cuff were great styling choices. A toast to the woman who dares to step out of the box!
FAN BINGBING // gown by Valentino, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
It wouldn’t work on everyone, but Fan pulls off this Valentino spectacularly, even with the poofiness around the elbows. The floral print is delicate and romantic, and she’s positively ethereal in it. The dark nails and blinged out purse were fantastic choices, keeping this young and chic instead of Mormon bride. Love the way the waist cinches; it’s mega-flattering and the flowing skirt makes her look deliciously statuesque.
JANE FONDA // gown by Roberto Cavalli
Jane Fonda is a sexy scarlet snake, and I fully support it. This is delicious, it’s positively perfect on her, I’m obsessed with the sleeves, and the styling is flawless. There is not another woman on the planet whose age and level of fierceness are both so damn high.
LIU WEN // gown by Roberto Cavalli
I’ve been obsessed with Liu Wen, one of my favorite runway models, for a few years now. I’ve never seen anyone be such a chameleon and make so many different kinds of fashion look breathtaking. This is no except. I’m no Cavalli fan, and I know I’d find this trashy or tasteless on someone else. But it’s like a wispy, dark, romantic creation that’s too beautiful for me to take my eyes off, and she carries it so beautifully. The pink bracelet makes virtually no sense to me, and I’d have chosen a much smaller bag so as to not hide too much of that incredible gown, but the rest of the styling choices were perfect. With a gown this complicated and over-the-top, and a woman this beautiful who can make a potato sack look like Oscar de la Renta, not much else is required.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // gown by Giorgio Armani, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Love the hair and the earrings. The gown isn’t exactly revolutionary – I think we’ve seen reincarnations of this exact dress at every major awards show for the last ten years – but she’s lovely in it. Her face doesn’t need this much makeup, and it’s kind of hard to distinguish her from Amy Adams based on this photo, but it’s a job well done.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // gown by Gucci Premiére
Again, not revolutionary, but exquisitely beautiful on her. The ombre glitter is gorgeous and trendy, and the gown fits her like a glove.
JADA PINKETT SMITH // gown by Alberta Ferretti
I’m obsessed with this color, especially on Jada – she’s so freaking beautiful in it. But the dress is too simplistic, and even the subtle design elements of the dress aren’t constructed well. Everything’s sort of wrinkly and the seams are really unattractive, which kind of ruins the lovely effect of that beautiful color.
JADA PINKETT SMITH // dress by Versace, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
The shoes are as ordinary as can be, but that dress is killer, and she’s so the woman for it.
FREIDA PINTO // top, skirt, and shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
If you’ve got the tummy to rock a crop top, do it, girlfriend! Freida is fabulous in her gorgeous geometric prints – very nautical, perfect for a quick boat ride between premieres. And the shoes are absolutely delicious. She’s got effortless, easygoing chic down to a science.
FREIDA PINTO // gown by Versace, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
I so prefer laid-back beachy Freida to glammed-up Vegas Freida. The pink lipstick is a nightmare, and while Ms. Pinto couldn’t look bad in something if she tried, it’s a very disappointing dress. After a certain amount of sheer fabric, glitter, and illusion netting is used, there’s really no saving a gown.
BÉRÉNICE BÉJO // gown by Louis Vuitton
She’s statuesque and positively glowing, but the gown is pretty unremarkable and unreasonably long.
LANA DEL REY // gown by Alberta Ferretti, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
Uh-oh, someone spent a little too much time laying out by the beach and is hitting the red carpet with a face to match! The gown isn’t bad, it’s just about as underwhelming as possible, and isn’t particularly Cannes-appropriate. I mean, black dresses are always appropriate, but this is the time for bright colors and wild prints and shit you can’t get away with when you’re somewhere that’s not beautiful and beachy and French and dripping with celebrities.
MARION COTILLARD // dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Versus
The dress is so lovely; the combination of colors and textures, and the softness juxtaposed with the funky belt, gives off a very chic-yet-easygoing vibe that’s the essence of French fashion. The shoes are kind of adorable, but also kind of terrible with this dress.
MARION COTILLARD // dress by Basil Soda
Oh, good lord. The dress is bad enough – those panels on her hips really couldn’t be less flattering, and every seam looks just a little crooked – but that hair? What is that even supposed to be? I get so frustrated when Marion looks this ridiculous, because when she really puts the effort in, the results can be fantastic. But this? No, darling.
NAOMI WATTS // gown by Calvin Klein
Ugh. It’s such a naked dress. I never understood the concept of wearing a dress that strangers would have to do double-takes at from across the room to ensure that you are not, in fact, actually nude. And when it’s got a gaping V-neck and you can see her nipples right through the gown, what’s the point in even wearing clothes? I’ll admit, the cut of the gown from the waist down is lovely, but it’s too long and the color is painfully dull.
EVA LONGORIA // gown by Alberta Ferretti
Does Eva know she’s wearing two dresses stapled to each other?
EVA LONGORIA // jumpsuit by Elie Saab, shoes by Rupert Sanderson
I just don’t understand why anyone wants to wear a low-cut, high-waisted jumpsuit that appear to be tapered at the ankle with the elastic waistband of some old sweatpants.
CHERYL COLE // gown by Stéphane Rolland
Well someone’s desperate for attention! Some loved this, but I think it’s just too fucking much for me to take seriously. The mermaid shape, with white and red ombre – including beading AND what appears to be a few dozen slain Tickle Me Elmo dolls protruding from her knees. The matching purse and nails are very Jersey wedding, and the gown doesn’t even come close to fitting her. What can I say? Sometimes you can put all the effort in and just end up on an express train to Tackytown.