FAN BINGBING // gown by Elie Saab, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
Chinese superstar Fan Bingbing is my spirit animal. She honestly might be, in my not-even-remotely humble opinion, the best dressed celebrity on earth (though it’s hard to find usable pictures of her since Western blogs don’t write about her enough). But luckily, she’s all over Cannes this week, bringing us beyond divalicious glamour queen gowns like this exquisite Elie Saab number. Nude isn’t usually my favorite, but Fan pulls it out rarely and knocks it out of the fucking park when she does. And I could live without the train, but everything is made better by that stunning lace cape. It was made for her. The dark nails, gorgeous clutch, and mega-glam earrings were all just perfect styling choices. I can’t get enough of this girl!
DIANE KRUGER // dress by Versus, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Side cut-outs tied back together shoelace-style sounds like a terrible idea in theory, and yet Diane makes it look effortlessly sexy and mega-stylish. Love the color, the pleated skirt, the gorgeous shoes – it’s all working beautifully. Let’s get another look:
The straps over her shoulders are lovely in the back. And even though her shoes can’t decide if they’re a boot or a sandal, they’re still somehow amazing on her.
DIANE KRUGER // gown by Giambattista Valli
A goddess gown in a truly exquisite color. All this draping isn’t quite my style, but she looks like Aphrodite in it, so I can’t really complain. The satin platforms weren’t the best choice of shoe, though.
MARION COTILLARD // gown by Christian Dior
Stunning. I love that midnight-blue-over-black skirt, and the belt makes the gown so much more interesting. I’d kill for her to put on a necklace, but she made up for it with her bejeweled hairstyle:
I’m weeping at how beautiful this is. I will be adopting this hairdo for my big sister’s upcoming wedding, no doubt about it, dear readers.
FREIDA PINTO // gown by Atelier Versace, purse and shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
Holy hell. As if it’s not enough that her hair is shiny as a mermaid’s and her cheekbones could cut glass, add that gorgeous smoky eye makeup and that phenomenal gown, and you’ve got a red carpet dream. The color is a delight and the little waves on the skirt are gorgeous. Obviously, Cannes practically demands a mega-high slit, which she pulls off effortlessly, and the gold box clutch was a nice addition. Once again, I question the value of satin peep-toe platforms with a gown this fashion-forward, but Freida is still killing it. Let’s get another view:
I repeat: KILLING IT.
FREIDA PINTO // gown by Michael Angel, purse and shoes by Louis Vuitton
Apparently, for every great gown, there is an equally terrible and opposite gown worn by the same starlet. That’s the only explanation for the cotton candy poof happening below her waist. The bodice could have been lovely, but that skirt is atrocious and the accessories don’t help. It’s even more horrible from the back:
Freida, why would you do that to your beautiful ass? You need to start treating that thing better. No more pink napkins thrown over your butt, or it might just walk out on you.
JADA PINKETT SMITH // gown by Atelier Versace, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I love a woman who brings bold color and texture into the picture, so thank you for this, Jada. That slit is seriously high, but I can’t deny that her legs look incredible. The slicked-back hair actually works well with this futuristic gown, as do the disco queen shoes. But fashion-forward and phenomenal as this is . . .
JADA PINKETT SMITH // dress by Paco Rabanne
. . . this was a mistake. Bad Jada! You have extraordinarily strong features and well-defined muscles; whoever told you all these sharp edges and harsh silhouettes worked for you was a filthy liar. The shoulders overpower your tiny frame, and that plunging neckline is just disturbing. Leave the alien-chic thing for Lady Gaga, and go back to your glam self, okay?
JANE FONDA // gown and purse by Atelier Versace, shoes by Jimmy Choo
This bitch is SEVENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD. And aside from the questionable Kate Gosselin hair, she’s positively dripping with awesomeness. The color and cut of the gown are phenomenal on her, even if it’s a little mermaid for my tastes. But I cannot criticize a diva this old looking this good, so let’s see what else she has to offer:
JANE FONDA // gown by Stella McCartney, purse by Roger Vivier
Way to keep up with the trends, Ms. Fonda! These Stella McCartney “skinny” dresses are all over the red carpet – Kate Winslet has it in red AND in white! – and the more toned-down hair and makeup are much more flattering. Extra kudos for the killer shoes, Ms. Fonda!
EWAN MCGREGOR // suit by Marni
This is why I live for Cannes, dear readers. Fashionable men in blue suits, frivolous ties, and epically awesome shoes that wouldn’t work anywhere but the shores of the south of France. (Not that I’d know – I’m more familiar with the shores of the south of New Jersey, myself.)
EVA LONGORIA // gown by Emilio Pucci
I find Eva Longoria at Cannes more than a little bit unbearable, since she
has no discernible talent stomps around in diva gowns like she’s the most important person there. Exhibit A: her white cut-out Pucci mermaid gown, complete with train and – is it an epidemic in here? – SATIN PEEP-TOE PLATFORMS. What, did they all get the same pair of heels in a gift bag after the opening ceremonies? Anyway, Eva looks lovely, but the dress doesn’t fit her particularly well. Let’s take another look:
That train does nothing but trail behind her like toilet paper. What a waste of fabric. Also, if I can literally see the curve of your ass cheek, perhaps your gown is a shade too tight in the rear.
EVA LONGORIA // gown and purse by Marchesa
Again, I would just love it if she could tone it down a few thousand notches. Another mermaid cut, another unreasonably long train – except this one’s ruffly! – and a metric ton of sequins. It’s just so clearly meant for a woman who’s about a foot taller than Eva.
I think that amount of illusion netting could probably suffocate someone.
SHAILENE WOODLEY // gown and shoes by Jason Wu
This was my Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Michelle Williams, but I think it’s positively delicious (if a teensy bit mature) on Shailene. Of course, the adorable Ms. Woodley manages to muck up all her glammest gowns with poor styling choices, like those beyond-out-of-style gladiator sandals. But still, a much more elegant, put-together look than usual!
NAOMI WATTS // gown by Marchesa
This was my Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Rachel McAdams. It’s lovely on Naomi, but a little underwhelming. I love the flower pedals cascading down the gown, but I think that skirt’s got just a bit too much going on. A few less necklaces would have been better, but I like the 1920s fingercurl hairstyle, even if the color looks completely fake on her.
SALMA HAYEK // gown by Gucci Premiére
Oh, Salma, darling. Why would you ruin a perfectly beautiful gown by wearing it a size too small and making some of the world’s most terrible styling choices? Seriously, that makeup is atrocious. Someone needs to be imprisoned for that crime against humanity. The hair is almost as bad, that bracelet too far up her arm adds nothing, and her clutch is as unimaginative as can be. Plus, I’m in pain just thinking about her breasts. Let those puppies breathe, Ms. Hayek! They deserve freedom, and instead they look shmooshed to death.
TILDA SWINTON // gown by Haider Ackermann
Tilda, you are my favorite androgynous alien-chic celebrity. So I do want to like this, because the bronze color is interesting and cool, and there’s something fascinating about the top. But that skirt is awful, and the poor fabric looks like it’s been beaten repeatedly with a hammer. A little more effort next time, Ms. Swinton.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Calvin Klein, shoes by Elie Saab
It’s a Calvin Klein party, so we can’t blame the boring dress on Jessica. But the color is fantastic on her, the shoes are drop-dead gorgeous and the boxy clutch was a good idea (though I’d have switched up the color). But Jessica’s hair is so goddamn beautiful that I can never forgive her when she slicks it back and hides it.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Clearly Jessica didn’t get the memo that there are no casual events at Cannes, no matter what anyone tells you. She’s lovely as ever, but the shoes are downright pedestrian and the whole look says, “Um, Eva Longoria’s giant gowns scare me, so I’m just going to keep things simple.” A good instinct, but she needs to pull out all the stops to compete with the big girls.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // gown by Alexander McQueen
Jessica, please don’t ever again do your breasts the disservice of donning that horrible neckline. And if you do, try to pick a skirt that doesn’t look quite so bride-on-the-Oregon-Trail, will you?