The exams are over, my fabulous paper on slut-shaming is complete, and that means it’s time to dive into the red carpet head first, dear readers!

CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE in London // gown and purse by Jenny Packham, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Can I just say: GO AND GET IT, PRINCESS DIVALICIOUS! Although doesn’t it sort of look like Duchess Kate’s head photoshopped onto a different picture of her body? Regardless, holy hell, is that a beautiful gown for a modern-day princess. God, do I love those lacy cap sleeves! I’d nix the matching purse, but the shoes are fun, and I’m always relieved to see her not wearing pumps. But let’s get another delicious view:

I mean, the back of that gown is exquisite. Those delicate little buttons, the gorgeous lace. And the braided updo is beyond lovely. Keep it up, Kate!

ANNA KENDRICK in Los Angeles // dress by Elie Saab, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Christian Louboutin

It’s been ages since I’ve seen the adorable Anna Kendrick on the red carpet, but the bitch is back with a vengeance. Or at least, a truly glam outfit. Yes, it’s another nude dress, but the gorgeous beading and metallic embellishments really are lovely. The sleeves that hit right at the elbow are too cute, the hair and makeup are flawless, and though the matching purse is a bit unnecessary, the shoes. Are. KILLAH. Let’s take a look:

KABLAM. The double ankle strap and the studded toe are to die for. And though plastic on shoes tends to lean into stripper territory, these just look downright awesome.

ELIZABETH BANKS in New York City // dress by Marc Jacobs, shoes by Jerome C. Rousseau

I just cannot get enough of Elizabeth Banks on the red carpet this year. I’d rip that dress right off her back if I could, it’s so gosh darn perfect. With the wrong accessories, it could be a little too youthful for her, but of course she paired it with killer heels and pulls it off fabulously.

CHLOË MORETZ in London // dress by McQ

PRECIOUS. She’s so sweet you could just sprinkle her into your coffee. Gorgeous hair, perfect makeup, and a KILLER dress-belt combo by McQ. The shoes wouldn’t have worked on a grown woman, but on this adorable chick, they’re cute as can be.

CHLOË MORETZ in Hollywood // dress by Proenza Schouler, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Ah, we finally found an outfit that your favorite pair of Jimmy Choos won’t work with! This 1970s upholstery-looking dress is SO not for her, and the stick-straight hair doesn’t suit her particularly well. She looks like a kid playing dress-up (which she kind of is, but she never looks like it).

HEIDI KLUM in Los Angeles // dress by Roland Mouret, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Adorable! Heidi, see how fabulous you are when you cover up your cooch for a change? Isn’t it refreshing? And I’ll be honest, those are some of the most gorgeous shoes I’ve ever seen.

CHARLIZE THERON in London // dress by Roland Mouret, shoes by Tabitha Simmons

It looks a little like a nurse’s costume from a dystopic futuristic movie, but strangely, she’s still working the hell out of it. I’m never a fan of cage shoes, but once again, she pulls them off. I always thought I was immune to the draw of Charlize Theron, because I’ve never really understood it, but this bitch can dress when she puts her mind to it.

NATALIE PORTMAN in New York City // gown and purse by Christian Dior

Disastrous hairdo aside – I’ll just assume she got swept away into a tornado on the way here – I’m glad to see Natalie working some serious fashion on the red carpet again. The gown is lovely, though there’s something about the proportions that isn’t quite working for me. But I do love the bodice and the quilted purse, and I find it really charming that she wears a watch almost all the time.

MINKA KELLY in Los Angeles // dress by Temperley London, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I rarely have reason to write about whoever the hell Minka Kelly is, but YUM! I love this dress. I think the sparkly gold pumps were sort of a ridiculous choice, but they’re fun and they sure as hell aren’t boring, so kudos.

JADA PINKETT SMITH in Madrid // dress by Versace, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I love Jada for stepping out of the box, but this isn’t quite perfect. The black version of this dress looked great on Elizabeth Banks, but there’s a fit problem here. It’s insane, because Jada’s so itsy-bitsy I can’t imagine a size that’s too small on her, but this is way too short and maybe even a bit too tight. That micro-mini length doesn’t work at all with the other half of the dress falling to her knee. But it’s a hell of a dress, and a risky one at that, and her shoes are terrific, so I’ll give her a pass.

GWEN STEFANI in Los Angeles // dress by Georges Chakra, shoes by Christian Louboutin

I would so love to see her above-the-neck styling change, like, EVER. It’s been platinum locks and old-Hollywood-meets-drag-queen for as long as I can remember. And though this dress is gorgeous, and so much more restrained and mature than the crap she usually wears, I can’t help but be disappointed by the lackluster styling. Seriously, Gwen? Black pumps and nothing else? For shame.

LADY GAGA in Tokyo // coat by Versace

I’ve missed Gaga. It ain’t easy to find someone with a six-foot rainbow ponytail. Actually, I believe that wig was made from the tail of a gay unicorn. Regardless, I love a studded leather coat as much as the next girl, so I’m on board, even though I think the bug-glasses-and-platforms thing is getting a little old.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER in London // gown by Vivienne Westwood

Thank the heavens for Helena Bonham Carter. And, haters can hate – she looks fierce as hell, and that gown is a goddamn work of art. And I respect a woman who loves a good bolero jacket as much as I do. A little disappointed by the basic black pumps, though. I have to say, I expect more from the woman who has worn different colored shoes on the red carpet.

LEA MICHELE in New York City // dress by Emilio Pucci, shoes by Casadei

Well, there’s no thigh-high slit and no sternum-baring plunging neckline, so I guess I should be satisfied. But this is kind of underwhelming, particularly since the shoes match the lacy dress so precisely. There’s nothing wrong with this look, per se, but it would be so much better in a different color and with some better styling.

BROOKLYN DECKER in Los Angeles // gown by Giambattista Valli

Jesus CHRIST, this girl is boring. I can so rarely come up with anything to say about her because she doesn’t bring much to whatever she wears. This may as well be a photo of a cardboard box wearing a Giambattista Valli gown. And not a particularly nice gown at that.

DEMI LOVATO in New York City // dress by Falguni & Shane Peacock, shoes by Topshop

Demi, you’re not seriously still trying to make that part-toga, part-miniskirt thing happen, are you? It’s really, really not going to happen. And I don’t know what’s worse – the eyesore of a dress, the extensions she stole from Miley Cyrus’s dressing room, or the makeup, which seems to have been strategically applied to highlight only her worst features. Fire everyone around you, Demi.

CAMERON DIAZ in Los Angeles // dress by Valentino, shoes by Lanvin

She’s kidding, right? I mean, this has to be a fucking joke. No grown woman would be caught dead looking like this non-ironically. I hope.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL in New York City // dress by Carven

I swear, she’s intentionally trying to piss me off. Every single time I write about her, I beg her to lose the porcelain doll makeup (grown women in rosy-red cheeks, Barbie pink lips, and doll eyes are an embarrassment, Zooey), the black stockings/black shoe combination (it’s MAY, for God’s sake!), and the schoolgirl outfits. The way she infantilizes herself is beyond disturbing. Grow up and move past this weird, sick little phase, Zooey. Please.

RIHANNA in Los Angeles // gown by Adam Selman, shoes by Manolo Blahnik

Yes, Rihanna, we get it. You’re so hot, clothes literally melt off of you. Now put on an actual dress instead of a shredded-up bedsheet and assemble the nest on your head into something resembling a hairstyle, and maybe we can talk.

KRISTEN STEWART in London // gown by Marchesa, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I was vehemently against this from the moment I saw it, although I have to admit it has grown on me ever so slightly. Don’t get me wrong, I still think this was a laughably terrible idea – I mean, can you think of someone less likely to pull off a gown this lacy, frilly, and ridiculous than Kristen Stewart? – and I’m convinced her stylist got sick of her terrible attitude and chose this dress intentionally to embarrass her. From far away, it’s truly hideous. The jagged lace doesn’t look artful, it looks like a burial shroud, and the frills covering up her southern ladyparts are horrifically unattractive. But let’s get another glance:

Jesus, this girl can’t pull off that sexy over-the-shoulder thing if her life depended on it. But I don’t hate it quite as much close up (even though it’s doing unspeakably unflattering things to her butt, and she is quite literally pooping feathers), because at least you can see the beautiful lace on the sleeves. But Kristen Stewart is so not the woman for this obscene amount of illusion netting and lace. And usually I blame her, because she brings misery and gloom to everything she wears, and this is no exception. But she had no chance at all of making this hideous thing look good.

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© Democracy Diva, 2012.
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