suit by J. Mendel, shoes by Tom Ford
Welcome to adulthood, Ms. Swift! I hope you enjoy your stay, because I am looooooving this post-Disney Princess phase of your personal style. Let’s say goodbye forever to your glittery ball gowns for preteen ballerinas and delve into the fabulous future ahead of you, okay? I’ll stop gushing, because this is a lovely suit but not an amazing one, and those shoes sort of look like you have starfish stuck to your feet. But the overall feel of this look is “Step the FUCK out of my path to a thousand more little gold trophies, bitches, because I will have a tequila shot for every award I win, and we’ll start going retroactively if things get a little dull.”
dress by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Tom Ford
And I’ve seen Emma Watson overly made-up and overdressed in so many damn fashion spreads over the last year or so that I almost forgot how young, fresh-faced, and lovely she truly is. More importantly, she clearly gets what the VMAs are about – looking good without seeming like you give a single fuck. It’s a wacky dress that I wouldn’t recommend for most, but there are few kicky, fun, colorful dresses Emma Watson can’t pull off. And the Tom Ford shoes are fab.
gown by Elie Saab
I hardly recognize Katy when I’m not screaming myself blue in the face over why the hell she’s still blue in the hair. Though I don’t think this Cher wig does her any favors, I’m just thrilled she’s taking a break from the Kool-Aid hair. But she’s still wearing a leotard under a sheer tapestry that belongs in the window of a head shop, so, I suppose she’s still Katy after all.
dress and shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
On a scale of Zoe Saldana’s looks, this is about as terrible as it gets. The dress is boring, trendwhorish, and cheap-looking; the hair is a disaster; the shoes are stripper-tastic and don’t go with the look at all. That being said, she looked better than 90% of the VMAs attendees. Go fucking figure.
dress by Narcisco Rodriguez
There are way, way more interesting ways to wear this dress than with black ankle booties and no other discernible accessories, Rashida. How long will I have to beg before you accept my wisdom as the word of God and hire a fucking stylist?
To everyone who has had anything to do with Demi Lovato’s hair, makeup, clothing, or accessories for approximately the last year and a half: I hereby fire you from ever working with other human beings, ever again. Because you clearly only want to bring pain, suffering, and 1980s hair band fashion into the world, and I will not stand for that.
gown by Stella McCartney, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
I swear, Pink has worn an incarnation of this dress to every other awards ceremony since her hair was actually still pink. I don’t know what’s worse – seeing the outline of each one of her abs through her snakeskin dress at every awards show, or knowing that her career has somehow lasted long enough for me to be this exhausted of her.
gown by Adam Selman, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
I saw bloggers – respectable fashion bloggers – compare Rihanna to Audrey Fucking Hepburn because of this look. And I swear, as I felt the bile rising up in my throat, I could also feel Audrey rolling in the grave, shouting, “Bitches, I will NEVER hear you compare me to that no-talent hack who seems to be allergic to undergarments again!” I’m sorry, but I need more than a short haircut and a white dress before I start making comparisons between Rihanna’s wardrobe, where style goes to die, and the fashion icon that is Ms. Hepburn.
gown by Alexandre Vaulthier, shoes by Gucci
When your dress resembles a Project Runway “Make it in three hours! Out of garbage bags! In teams of schizophrenic sociopaths!” challenge, it’s probably time to change.
This outfit obviously is not even worthy of my commentary; I just wanted you all to bear witness to this tragedy.
gown by Emilio Pucci, purse by Edie Parker
I tried. I swear to each and every one of you, I tried to like the hair. And at first, I think I convinced myself I did. I thought, “Everyone needs to get a ridiculously dramatic haircut after the Disney shows/movies part of their career is over – it’s part of the life cycle of a child star!” “Anything is better than those hideous extensions she’s been sporting since her Hannah Montana days!” I had every justification in the book. But now that I see the thing in its glory, shaved on the sides with platinum spikes reaching up to heaven, I just KNOW, deep down in my soul . . . that this is what Drag Queen Draco Malfoy looks like.