KRISTEN STEWART vs. JANUARY JONES
Kristen: I mean, not that I care, because let’s be honest, caring is like, really not my style, but are you intentionally trying to match your outfit to mine, scary mullet lady?
January: Mullets aside, at least my gown is beautiful, whereas you are showing that scary belly-buttonless part of your tummy that makes you look like an alien.
Kristen: Whatever, my vampire belly is awesome and I’ll do what I want. See how I can stick my head out the window on the limo ride over to the event and still look red carpet-ready?
January: I don’t think that’s working for you as well as you think it is. But I’ll admit, your tuxedo jacket is pretty fierce.
Kristen: Thanks, but I still don’t give a fuck. You can tell because this is the third picture in a row where I’m wearing the same pair of black pointy Louboutins.
January: Your hair looks surprisingly silky and smooth for someone who doesn’t give a fuck, Kristen. Whereas my dress is covered with swans, so you KNOW I don’t give a fuck.
Kristen: Fine. Now I will give ALL THE FUCKS, and destroy you with the power of my ultra-mod, super-chic checkerboard romper.
January: Hm? Sorry, I was too busy floating down the red carpet in a sea of stunning black sheerness to notice you.
Kristen: You wanna go? My hair is done, I’m in a gown, and I’m fucking SMILING. That’s a first for me.
January: Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me at all.
ZOE SALDANA vs. ALEXA CHUNG
Zoe: I know we’re both considered fashionistas, but I have to say, I think my white top/shorts/black shoes combo is a little more fashion-forward than yours.
Alexa: Hasn’t anyone ever told you that less is more, except when it comes to posing with your hands in your pockets to show off that your outfit is cool enough to have pockets?
Zoe: Calm down, hipster. Let’s just settle this the old-fashioned way: a brutal battle to the death as we don stylish blue and gray outfits. Well, at least MINE is stylish.
Alexa: That was way harsh, Zoe. Just because my shoes are furry doesn’t mean you have to be so jealous.
Zoe: Yeah, actually, I tend not to be jealous of furry shoes, since they’re, you know, FURRY SHOES.
Alexa: If you’re too lame for furry shoes, that’s on you. But I also have sparkly Mary Janes, just in case.
Zoe: Sparkly Mary Janes? You really are a hipster.
Alexa: You say that like it’s a bad thing, when really it just means I can pull off girly Valentino dresses and mental patient haircuts!
Zoe: Fine. Bring out your big guns and let’s settle this once and for all.
Alexa: You’re on, bitch.
EMILY BLUNT vs. JESSICA PARÉ
Emily: Oh, hello, Jessica! I’m just thrilled to be competing with you in this battle, because I’m sure I will kick your ass. Oh, and who are you again?
Jessica: I know it’s hard to recognize me outside my 1960s Mad Men gear, but I’m Megan Draper! And, um, who are you?
Emily: I’m the British chick from The Devil Wears Prada! Oh, and I date John Krasinski. It’s rather nice.
Jessica: Oh, that actually does sound nice. Now back to this whole you thinking you can kick my ass in this battle – have you seen my plethora of Jason Wu dresses?
Emily: Yes, but I don’t think it comes close to my stunning gilded Michael Kors gown.
Jessica: I’ll see your gold gown and raise you . . . an EVEN GOLDER GOWN.
Emily: Darling, if you want to battle in eveningwear, you best prepare yourself for a real challenge.
Jessica: I can more than keep up with your colorful wardrobe, honey. Don’t you worry about me.
Emily: Well, my orange McQueen gown can defeat whatever you’ve got, so bring it on.
Jessica: A red carpet look is never complete without a ridiculously fabulous pair of earrings, Emily. How did Meryl never teach you that in a moment of method-acting?
MARION COTILLARD vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA
Marion: Well, if it isn’t the littlest lady Draper! We sure have burned through the Mad Men women in this post, haven’t we?
Kiernan: Absolutely, but let’s be honest – I am by far the most fabulous woman on that show.
Marion: I don’t disagree even for a minute, you adorable little thing. I don’t even deign to watch American television and I still think you’re quite the little talent.
Kiernan: Well, of course you do. I’m fucking awesome. And you’re . . . what, that French lady from Inception?
Marion: Well, yes. But I also wear Dior like it’s my job. Because when you’re this good at wearing Dior, that’s basically enough of a talent to be considered a career.
Kiernan: That’s cute that you think that’s impressive. Meanwhile, I’m thirteen years old and wearing Oscar de la Renta, so I think I’m holding my own over here.
Marion: Listen, little girl, you might be the most precocious child star since the Fannings, but I will still out-dress you in this battle and then cackle after your depressing defeat.
Kiernan: Calm down, lady! I’m like, a THIRD of your age, how can you talk to me like that?
Marion: A THIRD of my age? I fucking hate you little American tweens and your tiny little designer dresses making me look a hundred thousand years old by comparison.
Kiernan: Don’t worry, Marion, you still look good! You know, for your age.