DIANE KRUGER vs. LESLIE MANN
Diane: Allo, March Fabness 2013! My name is Diane Kruger, I act in three languages, I am beautiful to a terrifying degree, and my boyfriend is Pacey Witter. BEAT THAT!
Leslie: I get to play with my kids in all of my movies because I’m hilarious and gorgeous and Judd Apatow’s my husband. I want for nothing, darling. But I do like your shoes.
Diane: Danke, darling! Pardon me if I look slightly exhausted; my earrings are weighing down my entire body.
Leslie: Not at all, Diane. But don’t worry, I’ll smize hard enough for the both of us just in case.
Diane: Let’s say we don our formalwear, cinch in our already itsy-bitsy waists, and –
Leslie: I’ll do whatever you say, just please smile. Your cheekbones are amazing but you’re starting to scare me a little.
Diane: My apologies, Leslie, but there is no stopping these cheekbones. On another note, have you ever worn a gown made of liquid gold? Because, let me just say, it’s divine.
Leslie: Yes, yes, that looks both amazing and impossible to move in, while I am full-sleeved and fancy-free.
Diane: Fine. Bring out your baddest black and white, bitch – this battle is ON.
Leslie: Happily, Ms. Kruger.
GINNIFER GOODWIN vs. MIRANDA KERR
Ginnifer: Hi, guys! I’m Ginnifer. Yes, spelled like that. And yes, I am the youngest sister-wife from Big Love. I just have this super-interesting pixie cut now!
Miranda: I don’t know what any of that means, Jennifer, so I will continue strutting down the street looking like life is perfect because when you have this baby blue Prada purse, it basically is.
Ginnifer: Um, it’s GINNIFER, not Jennifer. Now I will have to battle you in competing blue-and-black outfits and black accessories.
Miranda: I’m going home to Orlando Bloom after this. Do you really think I care about this bullshit, Jennifer?
Ginnifer: You say you don’t care, and yet you’re dueling me in sheer-sleeved black tops and fabulous skirts!
Miranda: Well, I just know I can beat you, that’s all. Miranda May Kerr’s my name, and street style is my game.
Ginnifer: That was the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. But your real name is Miranda May Kerr? That is actually adorable.
Miranda: Thanks, dearie! What’s your real name, Ginnifer?
Ginnifer: Um, well, actually, my real name is Jennifer. Jennifer Michelle Goodwin.
Miranda: AND YOU CHANGED IT TO GINNIFER?! Ugh, you are the absolute WORST.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY vs. JESSICA ALBA
Keira: Hi, March Fabbers! Now that awards season is behind us, and I can pretend my critically ignored Anna Karenina movie never happened, let’s focus on fashion!
Jessica: I think we can all agree that that’s a very good idea, particularly because my blazer will kick your ass.
Keira: Yes, you might look good in pants, like some sort of pedestrian. I myself prefer gowns.
Jessica: Fine, but I’ll take fun prints over fancy gowns any day of the week.
Keira: You’re such an American. No appreciation for formalities. Or lacy ball gowns.
Jessica: Ball gowns are fun, but my accessories are to die for an my tits are unstoppable, so I’m actually fine just the way I am.
Keira: What’s this, then? A FLORAL ball gown? Someone has learned a thing or two about garden-party couture from yours truly!
Jessica: Please. I can out-flower-gown you in my sleep.
Keira: You want a battle? You’ve got one, bitch. Battle with CHANEL.
Jessica: With Oscar on my side, diamonds on my neck, and Elmo as a purse, I’m unstoppable.
NINA DOBREV vs. LADY GAGA
Nina: Hi, Gaga! It’s a pleasure to meet you, particularly since I see we have opted for the same red carpet pose.
Gaga: That’s right, Nina, except I can do it while de-boarding a plane. You’ll understand when you become famous.
Nina: Um, actually, I am famous. I’m on The Vampire Diaries, and I used to be on Degrassi!
Gaga: Wait, really? Do you know Drake?
Nina: Well, yeah. That show was our big breaks!
Gaga: Oh, that’s cute, honey. Don’t worry, your big break will come.
Nina: Bitch, I am a celebrity! I wear Elie Saab gowns in a rainbow of colors! I own sparkly sandals by Christian Louboutin, Brian Atwood, AND Jimmy Choo!
Gaga: Oh, calm down, darling. I’m just teasing. I’ve seen The Vampire Diaries.
Nina: Have you really, Gaga? Oh my God, that’s so exciting! I can’t believe you’ve seen my show!
Gaga: Oh, wait, sorry. I totally thought you meant Twilight. What’s your name again?