Only four fabulous ladies remain to duke it out for the title of Fabbest of them All. 

DIANE KRUGER vs. ELIZABETH BANKS

Diane’s dress by Derek Lam, shoes by Versus; Elizabeth’s dress by Marc Jacobs, shoes by Jerome C. Rousseau

Diane: Here we go, bitches! The Final Four! The end is in sight, April is approaching, and I’m almost ready to lay down my weapons and be crowned champion.

Elizabeth: Well, it’s not over yet, Diane. You still have to defeat me, and the power of my Hunger Games press tour looks, which are nothing if not fabulous.

Diane’s dress by Versus, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Elizabeth’s dress and shoes by Versace

Diane: I’d consider us two peas in a pod, with you in Versace and me in their diffusion line. But clearly, I have no fear of side cut-outs, unlike some lame celebrities I might mention.

Elizabeth: I’m not afraid of anything, Diane. Not when it comes to fashion. I will prove this with a series of jaw-droppingly bright and bold dresses.

Diane’s dress by Chanel, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Elizabeth’s dress by Atelier Versace, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Diane: And I will use this time to prove, time and time again, that I can pull off anything and everything that mere mortals couldn’t even dream of wearing.

Elizabeth: Have we entered some sort of trial where we need to, like, prove things? Or is that just a symptom of the Democracy Diva orchestrating this battle while she’s sitting in a mock trial?

Diane’s gown by Azzedine Alaïa; Elizabeth’s dress by J. Mendel, purse by Lena Erziak, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Diane: Yes! The Diva is the judge, the dear readers are the jury, and we’re just really sparkly evidence!

Elizabeth: Seriously? We’re not like, lawyers, or witnesses, or something? We’re EVIDENCE? That seems kind of disempowering.

Diane’s gown by Jason Wu; Elizabeth’s dress, purse, and shoes by Alexander McQueen

Diane: But we’re really FANCY evidence that looks super pretty and is admissible to prove how fucking glamorous we are! I mean, how glamorous I am. You’re alright, I guess.

Elizabeth: No, moron. We’re the lawyers, and the clothes are the evidence we’re presenting! That way we can be all, Exhibit A: ridiculously fierce brass-knuckled McQueen clutch. BOOM. Lawyered.

Diane’s gown by Vivienne Westwood, purse by Jimmy Choo; Elizabeth’s dress by Marc Jacobs, shoes by Walter Steiger

Diane: Fine, opposing counsel. I think your latest “exhibit” is tacky and lame.

Elizabeth: Um, excuse me? You don’t talk about fuchsia Marc Jacobs dresses like that. EVER.

Diane’s gown by Nina Ricci, purse by Judith Leiber; Elizabeth’s gown by Antonio Berardi, purse by Lara Bohnic

Diane: I’m just trying to tell you that you’re fighting a war you cannot possibly win, Lizzie. I’m the fucking William Jennings Bryan of litigating fashion battles.

Elizabeth: I have no idea what that means.

Diane’s gown by Giambattista Valli; Elizabeth’s gown and purse by Alexander McQueen

Diane: It means I can float down a red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival like some sort of angel/mermaid hybrid that can pull off this seafoam color with aplomb.

Elizabeth: Aplomb? Get off your high horse, Diane, and just talk like a normal human being, okay?

Diane’s gown by Prabal Gurung, purse by Charlotte Olympia; Elizabeth’s gown by Bill Blass, purse by Judith Leiber

Diane: First of all, I’m not on a high horse. I’m just aware of the fact that by owning a purse shaped like a giant domino, I am cooler than every other woman in Hollywood.

Elizabeth: Oh, yeah? Wear head-to-toe yellow as bright as the sun and then tell me who looks cooler. I mean, how many different black, white, and gray outfits can one woman possibly own?

Diane’s gown by Christian Dior; Elizabeth’s gown by Elie Saab

Diane: When it looks as good as this Dior does, you really only need one.

Elizabeth: You can fear color all you like, Diane. My love of bold shades will win me this battle, hands down.

EMMA STONE vs. EMMA WATSON

Stone’s dress by Daniel Vosovic, shoes by Rupert Sanderson; Watson’s jacket, dress, purse, and shoes by Miu Miu

Stone: Alright, Watson. We’ve had this battle before – in fact, last year’s March Fabness culminated in an EMMA VS. EMMA final round smackdown so dangerously fabulous, it wasn’t even safe to hit the red carpet for weeks afterwards.

Watson: Not safe for you, maybe. Because I kicked your ass.

Stone’s dress by Jason Wu, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Watson’s dress by Brood, shoes by Tabitha Simmons

Stone: Yeah, but only because people have this THING about loving Hermione so much that they basically believe you can do no wrong. I mean, that has to be the reason, because your two consecutive victories certainly can’t be based on that hot mess of a dress you’ve got on now.

Watson: Just because you’re terrified of mixed prints doesn’t mean you have to get all bent out of shape about it.

Stone’s dress by Lanvin, shoes by Brian Atwood; Watson’s dress by Calvin Klein

Stone: Um, my dress is watercolor on top of flowers, and yours is black and boring. Who’s afraid of prints now, bitch?

Watson: I’m afraid of contracting conjunctivitis from you based on how pink your eyes are, that’s for sure.

Stone’s top and pants by Calvin Klein; Watson’s pants by J. Brand, shoes by Tom Ford

Stone: First of all, pink eye is SO in this season. Second, don’t think that you can beat me in a ladypants battle. Not when my ladypants are green, Calvin Klein, and phenomenally adorable.

Watson: You look like a salamander. Not that I can really describe what those look like, but if I had to guess, they’d quite closely resemble whatever the hell it is you’re wearing now.

Stone’s dress and purse by Miu Miu; Watson’s dress, pants, and shoes by Christian Dior

Stone: At least I know how to wear a little black dress. Word to the wise, Watson: You’re not supposed to wear them over pants.

Watson: What’s the point of being a little bit hipster if I can’t rock a dress/pants combo once in awhile?

Stone’s dress by Andrew Gn, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Watson’s dress by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Tom Ford

Stone: Can’t you just stick to the classics, like me? I mean, must every dress you wear be this overdesigned and, well, butt-ugly?

Watson: My grandma called – she’d like her shoes back.

Stone’s dress by Calvin Klein, shoes by Roger Vivier; Watson’s dress by J. Mendel

Stone: Like Macklemore, I wear your grandma’s clothes, and I look incredible. Unlike Macklemore, I would not be caught dead in a thrift shop.

Watson: Finally, something we can agree on! I mean, clothes other people have already worn?! I don’t even like wearing things that aren’t custom-made for me!

Stone’s jumpsuit by Elie Saab; Watson’s dress by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Tabitha Simmons

Stone: Please don’t tell me that hideous thing you’re wearing now was custom-made for you, Watson. Because that was a serious waste of time – you look like a very wealthy mental patient in some futuristic plane of existence.

Watson: That sounds awesome to me. You, on the other hand, look like a cougar trying to reclaim her youth.

Stone’s dress by Chanel, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Watson’s dress by Erdem

Stone: If you think my style is so lame, stop copying me! I INVENTED little white dresses with floral embellishments, bitch.

Watson: That’s not even remotely true.

Stone’s gown by Gucci, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Watson’s gown by Giorgio Armani

Stone: I’ve had enough of this obnoxious banter. Let’s let the dear readers kick you out of this competition once and for all.

Watson: In your dreams, Stone.

—
© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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