There’s no rest for the red carpet weary, dear readers. Round 1 continues with four fierce new match-ups.  

NAOMIE HARRIS vs. CARA DELEVINGNE

NAOMIE: Oh, shit.

CARA: What?

NAOMIE: Nothing! I just – ugh, I really did not want to go up against you of all people, Cara.

CARA: Why not, love? I’m a rather excellent person to have a fashion battle with, you know.

NAOMIE: That’s the problem! How am I supposed to stand a chance against Cara Delevingne’s famous eyebrows?

CARA: Well, basic bitches cannot compete with me, it’s true. But you’re beautiful and fabulous, Naomie. Don’t worry so much.

NAOMIE: Oh, I’m not WORRIED. I’m just trying to think of the best way to pluck off your eyebrows when you’re not looking.

CARA: WHAT?!

NAOMIE: You heard me. Now run along, before someone drops a pair of tweezers on you.

CARA: HOW DARE YOU. Thank goodness Anna Wintour made me insure my eyebrows for half a million dollars.

MARION COTILLARD vs. EMMA WATSON

MARION: Bonjour, Ms. Watson!

EMMA: Hi, Marion. Tell me, don’t you get tired wearing the same designer practically every day for an entire year?

MARION: Not when that designer is Dior, darling. French girls simply cannot go wrong in Dior.

EMMA: It just seems exhausting, that’s all. Between you and Jennifer Lawrence and Charlize Theron, is there really enough Dior to go around?

MARION: Honey, there doesn’t need to be enough to go around. There just needs to be enough for me. You think I let anyone else get near Dior’s sparkliest dresses with pockets? Non. Those are all mine.

EMMA: Well, all’s fair in love, war, and dresses with pockets, so that sounds reasonable enough to me.

MARION: Oh, and a bit of advice from a much more famous star: give that hair a little height. The higher the hair, the closer to God, and God is the one who decides who gets Academy Awards, after all.

EMMA: It’s cute that you think you’re more famous than I am. Bitch, I am HERMIONE FUCKING GRANGER. There is no out-faming me.

MARION: Oh, fine. Play the stubborn, sullen child. It’ll just make me even more lovely and elegant by comparison.

EMMA: Psh. In your dreams, Marion.

KARLIE KLOSS vs. JENA MALONE

KARLIE: OMGZ IT’S JOHANNA MASON.

JENA: Hmm? Oh, yeah, I play Johanna in Catching Fire. Fabulous to meet you, Karlie!

KARLIE: DO YOU HAVE ANY AXES? Do you have like a teeny tiny little fold-up axe in that clutch?

JENA: … Are you okay? You seem a tiny bit psychotic. And I don’t think teeny tiny little fold-up axes actually exist.

KARLIE: C’mon, victor from the lumber district! I know you’re hiding an axe somewhere!

JENA: Okay. You know I’m not actually Johanna, right? I just play her in a movie? You know, like actors do?

KARLIE: Oh, get out of here with that false modesty. Nobody wears a gown like that unless they’ve spent some time traipsing around the Capitol, Johanna.

JENA: MY NAME ISN’T JOHANNA. And you aren’t exactly helping all those “models are dumb” stereotypes, Karlie.

KARLIE: Models are NOT dumb! Now, tell me – did you and Finnick used to be an item? What’s the deal with that?

JENA: Aw, honey. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE vs. FREIDA PINTO

JENNIFER: Let’s just get this over with – I’m not Katniss. Don’t call me Katniss. Okay?

FREIDA: Um, sure. I wasn’t going to, but whatever. Psycho.

JENNIFER: I’m not a PSYCHO, I’m just trying to avoid yet another round of GIRL ON FIRE!!! references, okay? That shit gets old.

FREIDA: Oh, yes, I can see how being the star of a multi-million dollar movie franchise can be categorized as “shit that gets old.”

JENNIFER: Can you stop making me sound like such an asshole? Karlie Kloss just spent ten minutes asking Jena Malone if she has an axe in her purse! I’m just trying to move things along, okay?

FREIDA: FINE.

JENNIFER: GREAT. Thank you.

FREIDA: So, does Johanna actually have an axe in her purse, or what?

JENNIFER: I CAN’T EVEN WITH YOU BITCHES.

FREIDA: Jeez. Fine. It was just a question.

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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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