A day without judging celebrities is a day wasted, dear readers. Four new match-ups await you. 

KAROLINA KURKOVA vs. NAYA RIVERA

KAROLINA: Naya, you’ve made a nice effort at becoming a fashionista in the last year. But you have yet to learn the most important style lesson – act like every sidewalk is your own personal runway.

NAYA: I actually think I can be just as fabulous without people in puffy coats staring at me because I’m running around in completely unseasonable clothing, thanks.

KAROLINA: Oh, supermodels can’t feel weather. It’s one of our many superpowers.

NAYA: Psh. Come on. You do not have superpowers.

KAROLINA: Don’t I? Who else but a supermodel could wear glorified old-fashioned underwear and call it an Oscars after-party look?

NAYA: I don’t know, but no one should, yourself included.

KAROLINA: Says the girl trying to dress like me, but ending up looking like Morticia Adams.

NAYA: Morticia Adams is fabulous. I take that as a compliment.

KAROLINA: Whatever. If you’re not rocking a slit that goes right up to your Britney, you’re not really worthy of my time anyway.

NAYA: Hm? Sorry. I was distracted by the gloriousness of my own breasts.

AMY ADAMS vs. MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

AMY: Hi, Maggie, darling. Tell me, do you think I could pull off that pixie cut?

MAGGIE: Not in a million fucking years, sweetheart. And besides, if I had red Disney princess hair like yours, I’d never chop it all off.

AMY: Who, me? Disney princess hair? Aw, aren’t you darling.

MAGGIE: Shut up with your faux modestly. Like you don’t work that mermaid hair for all its worth.

AMY: *combs hair with a fork* I have no idea what you’re talking about.

MAGGIE: Whatever. I can’t even argue with a redhead who wears pink.

AMY: I’ll have you know that there is no shade of red or pink that I can’t make look good, because I am single-handedly dismantling all the rules about what colors redheads can wear. I HAVE THAT POWER.

MAGGIE: Keep telling yourself that, honey.

AMY: You have every right to be jealous because my blue gown with gold embellishments is like, a thousand times more fabulous than yours. But don’t take it out on me.

MAGGIE: Puh-LEASE. You just wish you were legitimately interesting off to be as hipster-chic as I am.

NICOLE RICHIE vs. BEYONCÉ KNOWLES

NICOLE: I can’t even handle this. How am I supposed to compete with you? How is it possible that you and Jay look that perfect just walking down the street?

BEYONCÉ: *flips hair* I woke up like this.

NICOLE: Well, you’re not the only one who can work a white blazer like it’s her job, okay? And can you drop Jay off somewhere already? Do you ever go anywhere without him?

BEYONCÉ: *glares angrily* I took some time to live my life, but don’t think I’m just his little wife. Don’t get it twisted. This MY shit – bow down, bitches.

NICOLE: Well, that’s just unnecessarily aggressive. And what the hell are you smiling about?

BEYONCÉ: *shrugs* I been drinkin’, I been drinkin’.

NICOLE: Really? We can’t even have an actual conversation? You’re just going to speak in Beyonce lyrics? You don’t have ANYTHING else to say to me?

BEYONCÉ: *booty drops* Let me sit this AAAAAAASS on ya.

NICOLE: Get off me! You’re going to wrinkle my feathers and mess up my hair!

BEYONCÉ: Whoa there, daddy daddy, now you ripped my fur. Oh baby baby, be sweatin’ on my hurr. Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up, and we ain’t even gonna make it to this club.

DIANE KRUGER vs. CHLOË MORETZ

DIANE: Are you lost, little girl?

CHLOË: Ex-fucking-scuse me?

DIANE: Well, sweetheart, when you’ve been named Fabbest of them All, it’s hard to imagine why it would even be necessary to compete against a little girl like you. I mean, it’s not exactly a fair fight, is it?

CHLOÉ: Well, it will be when I punch you right in your perfect fucking face.

DIANE: Darling, there’s no need to get all emotional. I’m just saying, I’ve been crowned the winner of March Fabness. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that basic schoolgirl chic if you want to have a chance of beating me.

CHLOË: Whatever. Like I’d ever carry a hot pink purse with a baby pink gown. What are you, Barbie?

DIANE: Oh, run along now, darling. The grown-ups have actual fashion-ing to do.

CHLOË: Sorry? Could you speak up? That dress is so loud, I couldn’t quite hear you.

DIANE: Oh, I see someone’s got a smart mouth! That’s good. You’ll need that, since you’re certainly not going to make a name for yourself in March Fabness.

CHLOË: Watch me.

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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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