Before we get to Cannes’ annual amfAR Gala, let’s finish judging the fashion from the festival’s hottest premieres and parties.
gown by Ralph & Russo
This should be the first image that comes up when you google “Spanish rose.” Is there anything on planet earth more perfect than Paz Vega in this dress? She was fucking born for it.
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Roger Vivier
I don’t even care that I don’t like the shoes with this dress, because this dress is EXTRAORDINARY. Thank god for the unseasonably shitty weather during this Cannes film festival; the gusts of wind made stars look even more ethereal and magical than usual. Jessica actually looks like she’s about to take flight. And this might be the most beautiful color she’s ever worn.
gown by Atelier Versace
See above re: wind gusts. This is dramatic and bright and brilliant. Definitely Uma’s best showing in a good long time. Unfortunately, this also happened:
gown by Marchesa
Let’s set aside the truly traumatic hair and makeup and the fact that this gown doesn’t fit her. Those laser-cut birds are such a rip-off of Givenchy and, to a lesser extent, McQueen, that I can’t even handle it. Georgina Chapman can apparently only make copies of better designers’ work, and dresses that look like cupcakes.
gown by Alberta Ferretti
Glam as hell. The sleeves are magnificent, and this is the best-fit thing she’s worn in ages, because too many designers are simply incapable of making things that women with breasts can wear.
gown by Roberto Cavalli
Aishwarya Rai is another new-to-me-but-super-famous-internationally Cannes attendee. This gorgeous lady is wearing the shit out of this art deco gown. Also, she has hair like a Disney princess and I’m jealous.
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin
The perfect pleaded dress with super-fun heels. Sadly, this was the only truly great look from Marion during this festival. Things took a turn for the weird unreasonably quickly:
dress by Maison Martin Margiela
I kind of like the dress, even if it looks better suited for a Project Runway unconventional materials challenge than this event. But the shoes are terrible with it. Open-toed boots in general don’t make much sense to me. During what weather do I want to bare my toes and not my ankles?
dress by Christian Dior
This is shapeless and awkward, and my shoe complaints still stand. But it was much, much better from the back:
I still think the shoes are wrong for it, and it’s still more of a potato sack than an actual silhouette, but the print in the back was unexpected. A lovely little surprise from an otherwise forgettable look.
gown by Gucci Première
An all-time best for Rosie. She looks like the Chrysler building. (That’s a compliment.)
gown by Saint Laurent
If I were wearing stilts underneath this gown, I would still not be as tall as Milla Jovovich looks here. It is absolutely magical how much this dress elongates her. And you can’t go wrong with a metric shit-ton of gold sparkles.
DITA VON TEESE
skirt by Blumarine, purse by Dolce & Gabbana
I can’t even imagine wearing a sheer skirt on an airplane, but I need everything she’s wearing immediately. Dita designed those supremely killer sunglasses herself and I want to steal them right off her face.
gown by Valentino
I love every dress with pockets, but the sheer pockets work so beautifully here. The necklace and hair keep things funky and a little less formal. I wasn’t sold on them at first, but they’re growing on me.
gown by Reem Acra, purse by Emm Kuo, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Fantastic draping, perfect accessories.
gown by Emilio Pucci
A bit on the ordinary side, but at least the jewelry is magnificent.
dress and purse by Chanel
The dress is cute, but a little basic, and poorly accessorized. I prefer Cara in chic menswear – something about that messy hair/perfect eyebrows combo helps her sell menswear-for-women so damn hard.
gown by Chanel
Sweet and lovely. The fabric is perfectly delicate without making her look like she’s wearing a giant doily. But Chloë couldn’t maintain this level of fabulousness for most of the festival:
gown by Chanel, shoes by Stuart Weizman
This is way, WAY too much. Ms. Moretz is adorable and has had some good looks in the past, but she is not built for crazy couture gowns, particularly ones that make her look like Big Bird’s sister.
top and pants by Chanel, hat by Maison Michel
Those are the ugliest effing pants I’ve ever seen.
gown and purse by Alexis Mabille
I like the double-breasted part, but I hate the sash around her waist, which distracts from it. The bustline is a little weird, and the all-navy accessories are disappointing.
gown by Marc Jacobs
I predicted Hailee Steinfeld would wear this Spring 2014 gown, but it’s a little disappointing on Sofia. I know I should be thrilled she’s finally not wearing black or navy, and I like the print, but the dress is wearing her, not the other way around.
top and pants by Chanel
Who decided that Kristen Stewart could pull off bedazzled Chanel pajamas? Because she cannot.
gown by Chanel
In the continuing trend of Chanel making normally lovely stars look insane, here is Julianne Moore, who has hopefully only been feathered and not tarred.
gown by Versace
Why on earth does a gown need a perforated skirt? So you can rip it off dramatically and toss it to a screaming fan? Actually, that does sound kind of fun. But I still don’t like this one bit.
gown by Atelier Versace, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
I tried to like this one, because it’s certainly not something you see eery day, but I have come to the conclusion that this is terrible. The color is off – it needs to be a little bit more yellow or a little bit more green, I think. The sleeves are too tight and look distressingly like some sort of polyester/spandex blend. The hood could work in a different context, but I hate the way it attaches to the draping in the skirt. I could go on for hours, but my eyeballs are bleeding from looking at this photo for too long, so let’s call it a day.