There’s only one way to prep for the glam-overload that is the Oscars – by hitting the film festival circuit for a hefty dose of judgment.

CATE BLANCHETT
gown by Givenchy

Serving up new-wave geometric realness, and I am eating this shit up with a spoon. Cate Blanchett is one of my all-time red carpet favorites, but she hasn’t blown me away as much recently as I might have hoped. But clearly, the bitch is back. Bow down.

CATE BLANCHETT
top, skirt, and shoes by Givenchy

Only Cate can wear a white smock over a black bra and make it look like high fashion.

ELIZABETH BANKS
gown by Elie Saab, purse by Rauwolf

Even Disney princesses are like, “damn, do birds dress this bitch in the morning? How is she so flawless?”

JENA MALONE
dress by Roksanda, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Casadei

I want all of this. I don’t care that I’d never be able to walk in those stilettos. I still need this entire outfit to be mine.

KIERNAN SHIPKA
dress by Delpozo, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

The dress is just so goddamn perfect for her, and I’m loving her eyeliner. The hair could use some work, but it’s hard for me to care too much, because Sally Draper is an American treasure.

NATALIE PORTMAN
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

All kinds of precious.

NATALIE PORTMAN
dress by Lanvin

I love any celebrity who dresses like they actually live on this planet, where there is weather. If I see one more goddamn starlet at New York Fashion Week rocking sandals and bare legs during a frigid February in New York, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Natalie Portman, international superstar though she may be, is not so far above us that she has forgotten how to feel the effects of weather. SHE’S WEARING STOCKINGS, YOU GUYS. SHE’S ONE OF US.

NATALIE PORTMAN
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

Everyone and their mother has worn a Dior coat-dress – well, everyone rich and/or famous, and their rich and/or famous mothers – so I can’t get too excited over this. But it’s lovely nonetheless.

NATALIE PORTMAN
gown and purse by Lanvin

Uh, why is that belt just sort of floating randomly between her bust and her waist? I survived 2006’s immense popularity of wearing belts right under your tits, and let me tell you, it was a dark time in our nation’s history. I don’t think I’m ready to go back there just yet.

HELEN MIRREN
gown by Dolce & Gabbana

Helen Mirren will always be sexier than me and I can’t even get mad at her for it.

LILY JAMES
dress by Mary Katrantzou, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Downton Abbey’s favorite niece is about to play Cinderella (opposite Robb Stark as Prince Charming, no less), so get used to Lily James’s face. You’ll be sick of her in no time, I’m sure. Particularly if she continues wearing dresses that are much more awkward than they need to be. She looks like she’s wearing a collar, sleeves, very intricate boob tattoos, and nothing else.

LILY JAMES
gown by Christian Dior

I really tried to like this, but it looks like someone took a sledgehammer to it. All that rouching and wrinkling screams “prom queen,” and the center-parted hair doesn’t help.

AUDREY TAUTOU
gown by Prada

Eh. It’s nice, but it’s not much of a surprise.

OLGA KURYLENKO
gown by J. Mendel

A simple yet lovely gown, but she’s ruining it with the country star hair.

OLGA KURYLENKO
gown by Armani Privé

An important lesson for us all: no matter how expensive your couture gown is, you can still make it look cheap as shit if you don’t bother to do your hair.

NICOLE KIDMAN
gown by Valentino

Terrifying Oregon Trail bride.

NICOLE KIDMAN
dress and shoes by Louis Vuitton

Ugh, who cares.

DAKOTA JOHNSON
gown by Christian Dior

Well, this isn’t a worse decision than agreeing to star in Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s damn close.

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© Democracy Diva, 2015.
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