2015 Berlin Film Festival

There’s only one way to prep for the glam-overload that is the Oscars – by hitting the film festival circuit for a hefty dose of judgment.

gown by Givenchy

Photo: Camilla Morandi/Rex

Serving up new-wave geometric realness, and I am eating this shit up with a spoon. Cate Blanchett is one of my all-time red carpet favorites, but she hasn’t blown me away as much recently as I might have hoped. But clearly, the bitch is back. Bow down.

top, skirt, and shoes by Givenchy

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

Only Cate can wear a white smock over a black bra and make it look like high fashion.

gown by Elie Saab, purse by Rauwolf

Photo: Dominique Charriau/WireImage

Even Disney princesses are like, “damn, do birds dress this bitch in the morning? How is she so flawless?”

dress by Roksanda, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Casadei

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

I want all of this. I don’t care that I’d never be able to walk in those stilettos. I still need this entire outfit to be mine.

dress by Delpozo, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Photo: DDP/Dominique Ecken/Sipa

The dress is just so goddamn perfect for her, and I’m loving her eyeliner. The hair could use some work, but it’s hard for me to care too much, because Sally Draper is an American treasure.

dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

Photo: Isa Foltin/Getty

All kinds of precious.

dress by Lanvin

Photo: Rex

I love any celebrity who dresses like they actually live on this planet, where there is weather. If I see one more goddamn starlet at New York Fashion Week rocking sandals and bare legs during a frigid February in New York, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Natalie Portman, international superstar though she may be, is not so far above us that she has forgotten how to feel the effects of weather. SHE’S WEARING STOCKINGS, YOU GUYS. SHE’S ONE OF US.

dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

Photo: Rex

Everyone and their mother has worn a Dior coat-dress – well, everyone rich and/or famous, and their rich and/or famous mothers – so I can’t get too excited over this. But it’s lovely nonetheless.

gown and purse by Lanvin

Photo: Dominique Charriau/WireImage

Uh, why is that belt just sort of floating randomly between her bust and her waist? I survived 2006’s immense popularity of wearing belts right under your tits, and let me tell you, it was a dark time in our nation’s history. I don’t think I’m ready to go back there just yet.

gown by Dolce & Gabbana

Photo: Target Presse Agentur Gmbh/Getty

Helen Mirren will always be sexier than me and I can’t even get mad at her for it.

dress by Mary Katrantzou, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Photo: PA

Downton Abbey’s favorite niece is about to play Cinderella (opposite Robb Stark as Prince Charming, no less), so get used to Lily James’s face. You’ll be sick of her in no time, I’m sure. Particularly if she continues wearing dresses that are much more awkward than they need to be. She looks like she’s wearing a collar, sleeves, very intricate boob tattoos, and nothing else.

gown by Christian Dior

Photo: Splash News

I really tried to like this, but it looks like someone took a sledgehammer to it. All that rouching and wrinkling screams “prom queen,” and the center-parted hair doesn’t help.

gown by Prada

Photo: Getty

Eh. It’s nice, but it’s not much of a surprise.

gown by J. Mendel

Photo: Getty

A simple yet lovely gown, but she’s ruining it with the country star hair.

gown by Armani Privé

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

An important lesson for us all: no matter how expensive your couture gown is, you can still make it look cheap as shit if you don’t bother to do your hair.

gown by Valentino

Photo: Aurore Marechal/Landov

Terrifying Oregon Trail bride.

dress and shoes by Louis Vuitton

Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty

Ugh, who cares.

gown by Christian Dior

Photo: Dominique Charriau/WireImage

Well, this isn’t a worse decision than agreeing to star in Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s damn close.

© Democracy Diva, 2015.
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