Welcome, dear readers, to the Superbowl of self-congratulatory superstars!
Best Dressed: LUPITA NYONG’O
gown by Calvin Klein
No one even came close to beating out Lupita for best-dressed. Covered in over 6,000 pearls (for real), I gasped when she stepped onto the carpet, and I haven’t stopped drooling since. We need a close-up to really appreciate how exquisite the detailing is:
I’m crying. I’m just full-on crying at how beautiful she is. While we’re at it, let’s get the back view:
Sporty and surprising and all-around delightful. This is Calvin Klein’s greatest work in decades.
Runner-Up: MARION COTILLARD
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Chopard
I don’t always love white at major red carpet events, as it tends to be a common choice. But of all the things you could call Marion, “common” is not one of them. This was somehow precious and badass and simple and daring all t the same time. But the back was much more divisive:
I can think of a million reasons why I should hate it. Primary amongst them is that no one should come to the Oscars wearing a shower curtain full of farts. The logical part of my brain understands this. But I think Marion is just magnificent – and more importantly, French – enough to pull this off. And at least the girl took a fucking risk, unlike most of the conservatively-dressed attendees. Nearly every star chose the least offensive look possible, which also tend to be the least interesting looks, resulting in a red carpet almost as boring and humorless as the show itself.
Honorable Mention: ZOE SALDANA
gown by Atelier Versace, necklace by Neil Lane
All of Hollywood’s stylists gathered together last week to discuss their plot to force every star alive into a statement necklace so gigantic, it would take over the universe. In fact, all the necklaces were supposed to morph into one super-being and destroy the planet if Julianne Moore didn’t finally win Best Actress. But Zoe somehow escaped the negative effects of this evil plan, in a stunning chandelier-like necklace that only elevated her already-romantic gown. The dress is actually a little on the plain side for Zoe, but her new curves make it feel inspired. Motherhood looks so unfairly beautiful on her, doesn’t it?
BEHATI PRINSLOO and ADAM LEVINE
Behati’s gown and Adam’s tuxedo by Armani Privé
Who did Adam Levine blow so that Behati could get her hands on this Armani Privé gown? I can’t even properly voice how angry I am that Cate Blanchett didn’t score this dress first. These two are kind of the worst, but my GOD, what a gown.
tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana
I wish the vest were just a few shades darker, to match the rest of his suit (or even darker than that), but GOD BLESS DAVID OYELOWO. Boy BROUGHT IT. Color, fit, shoes – all perfect. Step aside, Eddie Redmayne- David is my new man to watch on the red carpet.
gown by Romona Keveza, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Simple yet lovely. In any other color, I might have forgotten about this entirely, but that canary yellow is a joy on Jennifer. Any dress that isn’t black, white, red, or metallic gets a few points, because they’re so rare at this event. And the perfect fit certainly doesn’t hurt.
tuxedo by Prada
OBSESSED with that navy velvet tuxedo jacket.
gown by Givenchy
She’s stunning, the silhouette is wonderful, the color pops, her bod is insane, and the necklace is perfect. So why do I not even remember seeing this dress on the red carpet? It’s actually pretty interesting, but something about it wasn’t quite magical enough for me.
gown by Vera Wang
I’m not crazy about the skirt, but the rest of the silhouette is fantastic. Love the earrings.
gown by Givenchy
It’s easily the best thing she’s worn all awards season, which means absolutely nothing, because she has been a HOT MESS for weeks now. The styling doesn’t really work at all, but at least Rosamund finally managed to get her hands on a decent dress.
jacket, top, and pants by Lanvin, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Remember when Meryl went apeshit over Patricia Arquette’s equal pay speech and won the entire Oscars with her reaction? That was fun.
CHRIS PRATT and ANNA FARIS
Chris’s tuxedo by Tom Ford
Anna’s gown by Zuhair Murad
These two are so goddamn cute, they look like they should be on top of a wedding cake.
gown by Valentino
Listen, Keira. I know you love a whimsical, ethereal vibe. But looking like you ACTUALLY ARE A WOODLAND NYMPH may be taking things just a step too far.
gown by Rosetta Getty
I love the sassy swoop to that shoulder – worthy of a woman this awesome. The rest of the look is underwhelming, though, and the hair is downright awful.
gown by Zac Posen, necklace by Van Cleef & Arpels
Your giant-ass world-dominating statement necklace should not be partially covered by, or covering, your dress. If the neckline is high enough to touch the necklace, you don’t need to wear a cool half-million around your neck, for God’s sake. Also: there’s no color that looks bad on Viola Davis, but I wish she’d worn this in a bright yellow or orange. This shade is just depressing.
tuxedo by Salvatore Ferragamo
Nothing exciting here, but he’s nice to look at.
gown by Oscar de la Renta
What’s the point in a dress this detailed if you can’t see the fucking details because of the color? Rookie mistake, Sienna. Also, I love your eyeliner.
JUSTIN THEROUX and JENNIFER ANISTON
Justin’s tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana
Jennifer’s gown by Versace
These two look like they smell like Axe body spray.
gown by Alexander McQueen
This was one of the biggest disappointments of the night for me. I have come to rely on Felicity Jones for serving up her particular brand of modern Audrey Hepburn style, but this is just a medieval nightmare. That giant, tortured, shiny skirt is impossible to look away from, and the shape of the bodice doesn’t do anything for her.
gown by Houghton, necklace by Chopard
Never half-ass a 1920s outfit, or you’ll just end up looking like you’re wearing fancy pajamas and too much lipstick.
gown by Miu Miu
I love prints (and pockets) at formal events, but Chloë looks like she’s wearing the upholstery from your grandma’s favorite rocking chair.
gown by Marchesa
BUT REALLY, AREN’T WE AS A NATION OVER THESE FUCKING FISHTAIL GOWNS ALREADY?
CHRISSY TEIGEN and JOHN LEGEND
John’s tuxedo by Gucci
Chrissy’s gown by Zuhair Murad
I actually hate every single detail of Chrissy’s outfit. I’m impressed – usually even a judgmental bitch like me can find SOME positive straw to grasp at. But no. Not today.
tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana
Jersey Shore Nightclub Owner Matthew McConaughey is my least favorite Matthew McConaughey.
Worst Dressed: GWYNETH PALTROW
gown by Ralph & Russo, earrings by Anna Hu Haote Joaillerie
Is this gown actually worse than Matthew McConaughey’s face or Chrissy Teigen’s everything? Probably not. But it’s Gwyneth, and there’s not a person on earth who needs a reality check worse than her. So, Gwyn, let me tell you: this color should not be worn on anyone over the age of four, that shoulder-flower is sloppy and awkward, and even a woman as privileged as you cannot pull off those earrings.