Let’s finish up this shit-show of an Academy Awards, dear.
Best Dressed: EMMA STONE
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Christian Louboutin
DAT COLOR THO. Sweet baby Jesus, why is everyone else on earth so afraid of prints and colors on the red carpet? With her auburn hair, Emma Stone was a delight in this lemon-lime shade. I love that the shoes are in the same color family, but a bit brighter – it’s much more modern than matching the color precisely. Let’s get another view:
Go on and take a bow, Ms. Stone.
Runner-Up: JULIANNE MOORE
gown by Chanel
This probably would have gotten more attention if Lupita hadn’t also gone the white beaded route with the volume turned up to eleven. But I still thought Julianne Moore looked stunning and ready to bring home a goddamn trophy. And not one made of legos.
Honorable Mention: ANNA KENDRICK
gown by Thakoon
She was born to wear this shade of coral, and the neck piece is glam as fuck. A career high for the fucking amazing Anna Kendrick.
gown by Armani Privé
The styling was a little too low-key, but the dress itself is pretty damn fabulous. And the shiny brick print makes me happy.
gown by Tom Ford
A touch on the basic side, but we all know Reese loves her minimalism. And as far as minimalism goes, this is excellent. It’s mega-flattering, and her pink lips and wavy hair soften the gown. The earrings might be my favorite part.
DAVID BURTKA and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
David’s tuxedo by Calvin Klein
Neil’s tuxedo by Brunello Cucinelli
Couldn’t ask for more. My mom has already decided that my fiancée should wear Neil’s tux to our wedding.
tuxedo by Alexander McQueen
I love you, Eddie. Never change, you adorable awkward excitable little elf.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH and SOPHIE HUNTER
Sophie’s gown and Benedict’s tuxedo by Lanvin
It’s not even fair how beautiful these two are together. I wouldn’t have gone for gold shoes and jewelry if I were Sophie, as it reads a little dated. But I think the cut-out detailing on her hip is awesome.
tuxedo by Giorgio Armani
Chris Pine looks so good, he has me all:
gown by Elie Saab, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
Well, she’s never going to stop being J.Lo. But at least the dress is unquestionably beautiful, even if the makeup makes her look like she’s rising from the dead.
gown by Alberta Ferretti, jewelry by Bulgari
Obsessed with the dress; hate everything else about this.
gown by Azzedine Alaïa
I can’t pretend those gloves are anything but distracting, but I also can’t deny that Gaga fucking BROUGHT IT to the Oscars. This Alaïa gown, her show-stopping performance, her emotional embrace with Julie Andrews – the bitch is back, you guys. And apparently starring in American Horror Story, because the world is a confusing place.
CHANNING TATUM and JENNA DEWAN-TATUM
Channing’s tuxedo by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Louise Leeman
Jenna’s gown by Zuhair Murad
I guess it doesn’t really matter what you wear when you have Channing Tatum on your arm. If Channing’s there, you can bet your G-string every eye will be on him.
gown by Miu Miu
A tremendous disappointment. Awkward and ordinary, and Olivia Pope deserves better.
gown by Tadashi Shoji, purse by Judith Leiber
Solid dress and fabulous earrings, but that purse pushes things too far into bridesmaid territory.
gown by Atelier Versace
I think I was supposed to love this, but I can’t get over that necklace, which makes her look like she’s slowly morphing into the Emerald City. And not in a good way. Also, can someone explain her boy band haircut to me?
gown by Yanina
Snooze. Also, it kind of looks like her vagina is exploding.
gown by Saint Laurent, jewelry by Forevermark
The most painfully awkward human in Hollywood. I don’t hate this outfit, but I also can’t bring myself to give a single fuck about it.
gown by Saint Laurent, jewelry by Van Cleef & Arpels
Sorry, Margot, but:
gown by Suzi Amis Cameron
From the front, I was actually on board. The sapphire color is gorgeous, and though the neckline is a little stuffy, I thought it was overall quite pretty. Then Gina made the mistake of turning around:
No. I reject your ass curtains entirely.
gown by Louis Vuitton
But… why? Seriously. Who looked at that hemline, the painful shade of those sequins, and that fucking stupid red belt and said, “ah, yes, at last, this is the one!”
gown by Jenny Packham
This looks like it’s held together with some staples and a prayer.
gown by John Galliano for Maison Margiela, necklace by Tiffany & Co.
This broke my heart, seeing Cate in something so unremarkable. I don’t give a shit about your insane statement necklace if it’s the only detail of your outfit I can even see. Also, I know it was raining at the event, but that hair is inexcusable.
gown by Marchesa
One more gown in this shade of basic bitch blush and I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.
tuxedo by Givenchy
NO! BAD HIPSTER! THIS IS NOT A 1970S BAR MITZVAH!
gown and pants by Christian Siriano
Oh, Solange. I try so hard to be on your side, but then you go and get stuck in a parachute on the way to the Oscars. I just don’t know what to do with you anymore.