Time to kick off the new year the best way we know how. Awards season has begun with the Unimportant People’s Choice Awards, and I’ve been honing my bitch skills sharply over this winter break.
Season’s greetings, bitches! Welcome to the annual celebration of all things fabulous on the red carpet.
It’s time to indulge in some fabulous, darlings.
This was one of the best looks from Paris Fashion Week, and Blake is nailing it. Not hard, mind you, because the dress does all the work for her. But I suppose we do need someone to stand in it and pull it open so the world can see her vag. Seriously, who poses like that? I’ve seen a dozen different pictures of this dress, and she’s basically a flasher in every one. But a leggy blonde in Lanvin is hard to beat, so she gets a free pass from me (in spite of her black toenail polish).
Problem 1: The breasts. Please look at those strange lines/wrinkles/dimples they make, like she has boobs extending out from boobs. That is so not the way nature-made breasts look.
Problem 2: The illusion of BUSH. I’m sure it’s just dark underwear, but who wears dark underwear under a see-through dress? It saddens me that no one thought to say, “Hey Kim, you’re fabulous, but you’re going a bit Vanessa Hudgens south of the border, so you may want to deal with that.”
Problem 3: The shoulders are like Lady Gaga crossed with angel wings, which sounds awesome in theory, but looks pretty stupid on the red carpet.
Can it be? Do I see what I think I see? IS KRISTEN STEWART SMILING?
She sort of is! This is a miracle! And her hair looks totally normally, which is even more rare than a smile from this crazy bitch. The dress is gorgeous, the shoes are killer, and she actually looks gorgeous. Keep it up, girl!
A step down, but definitely still on the good list. The makeup is a little too heavy for her features. She doesn’t have a face that wears makeup well; the more you pile on, the worse she tends to look. And the smile is gone – she’s back to her usual “Did someone just fart?” face. The hair just looks sloppy and unwashed, but the dress is very beautiful. It has that goth angel look that Kristen Stewart can really nail.
Perfection. Cool hair, flawless makeup, and a truly fabulous little dress. I love that the purse, the dress, and the shoes are all black with a hint of gold bling. (Well, perhaps a bit more than a hint.) And best of all, she looks so at home in this, like she’s more comfortable in bejeweled McQueen than in her pajamas.
Absolutely stunning. My only complaint is that the fabric hangs in a funny way around her ankles. But the bejeweled bustier is phenomenal and the draped skirt is nearly impeccable. And while most starlets would make this look costumey, Ms. Pinto once again looks quite at home in her fabulous digs.
Because everybody needs a dose of what-the-fuckery from Gaga. She might look like the love child of Taylor Momsen and a Sesame Street character, but the effect is still rather fabulous.
I am a huge Kat Dennings fan (not only is she one of the only legitimately funny actresses in film, she’s also Jewish and supremely cool), and I think she looks pretty hot here. The dress doesn’t seem to be laying right, as it’s all wrinkled around her tummy, but that’s not cutting down on the gorgeous factor. It’s great for her figure, professional but stylish, and the heavy makeup works for her. Love the pointy Mary Janes too, of course.
It’s Sally Draper. How could I not include a picture of Sally Draper? Also, I’d have punched a puppy for that dress when I was a kid. Perfection.
Ugh. That shoulder piece is tacky and the whole dress looks droopy and sad. I think I’d be able to give the dress my blessing if Kate had bothered to brush her hair in the month preceding this event. There is no excuse for someone that rich to have four inches of roots showing. Go blonde or go brunette – half and half is not your friend. Although her hair looks so processed and destroyed, it may not be able to afford another round of highlights before it just ups and walks away.
Keira once again knocks it out of the park, continuing to prance around in fabulous little dresses like it’s her job. (Oh wait, it is. Lucky bitch.) The shoes are mega-awesome, the blazer is obviously to die for, and the dress? Quaint and sweet and utterly fabulous.
Ugh, Joanie. Large floral prints stretched over your fabulous figure? That’s just a disgrace to what a bombshell you are. And those bangs are all wrong for you. Those are the wrong shoes, and you’re seriously lacking in bling. Seriously, Team Hendricks, why is no one on their game? Do I have to do everything myself?
Anne Hathaway referencing Audrey Hepburn – it’s simply perfect. An icon of new Hollywood dressed as an icon of old Hollywood, it’s glamour at its most pure. I love contemplative pose and expression. This is why it can be great to have a real actress in these photo shoots – they can convey a depth that many models just can’t.
© Democracy Diva, 2010.