The bitching train is leaving the station, dear readers. 

LUPITA NYONG’O at the BFI London Film Festival
dress by Christopher Kane, jewelry by Kwiat, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Bow down to your newest It Girl, 12 Years a Slave star Lupita Nyong’o. I’ve had a style crush on her since this press tour began, and she’s just getting more and more fabulous by the minute. This fun little black dress was my Resort 2014 red carpet prediction for Hailee Steinfeld, but I’m glad Lupita got her hands on it first. She styled it expertly with those white-piped pumps and just the right amount of diamonds. (And a perfectly autumnal shade of burgundy nail polish that I want to steal.)

JOANNE FROGGATT at the BFI London Film Festival
top by Hervé Léger, skirt by John Rocha, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Okay, the hair is a touch on the trashy side, but if you can ignore that, you can bask in the fashion glory of our favorite ladies’ maid at Downton Abbey. Also, for anyone else who’s been watching the new season, can we please talk (in a spoiler-free way) about what an amazing performance Joanne Froggatt has been giving this season? I mean, way to show off some serious acting chops while breaking my heart into a thousand pieces, girl. Anyway, let’s talk about her latest and greatest feat – THIS SKIRT. I WANT TO MARRY IT. That is all.

HAILEE STEINFELD on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
dress by J. Mendel, shoes by Saint Laurent

This was my Spring 2014 red carpet prediction for Olivia Wilde, and I want to wear it all the time. Hailee is adorable in it, and her black stockings make me so happy, because it’s fall and I got to wear my cozy navy blue knit hat this morning and what is better than that?

ALEXA CHUNG in New York City
suit by Christopher Kane

Oh, shit, you guys. I might actually love something Alexa Chung is wearing. I EVEN LIKE HER HAIR. Someone call 911, because I’m clearly having some sort of life-threatening mental breakdown.

ALEXA CHUNG in New York City
top, skirt, purse, and shoes by Louis Vuitton

Whew. False alarm, dear readers. She still looks like a hipster Barbie doll. We’re all clear.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS in New York City
dress, purse, and shoes by Louis Vuitton

The tiers and bows on this dress are to die for, but the plain black shoes and purse just make me sigh exasperatedly. LITTLE BLACK DRESSES ARE WHAT CRAZY ACCESSORIES ARE MADE FOR, YOU GUYS. I feel like this is the only thing I ever talk about. I should probably just start tagging all my posts with “WEAR FUNNER SHOES, MORONS,” and call it a day.

ANNE HATHAWAY in Los Angeles
dress by J. Mendel, purse by Edie Parker

This color is fantastic on her, and the design on the bottom is totally adorable. I’m not sold on the neckline, but this is the best I’ve seen Miss Hathaway look in ages.

JOAN SMALLS in New York City
jumpsuit by Alexander Wang

This jumpsuit looks like it’s about a size too big for her, at least around the waist and hips and crotch. But she’s making me like those insane cage-like sandals that I usually abhor, so that’s something.

DIANNA AGRON in New York City
gown and shoes by Louis Vuitton

Not quite as spectacular as her monochromatic looks from earlier this week, but she set the bar pretty high for herself.

KAT DENNINGS in London
gown by Lanvin

The hair is in desperate need of some styling, and I’m not sure I love the shininess of the ivory fabric. But good lord, the cut of that bodice is absolutely magnificent on her. And three cheers for vintage Lanvin gowns that can actually fit a woman with a serious rack. Like Christina Hendricks, Kat Dennings can’t wear just any old dress, because most designers run away and hide at the sight of anything larger than a C cup. So it’s particularly fantastic to find a high-fashion label (and a French one, no less) looking so deliciously chic on a voluptuous lady.

DOUTZEN KROES in New York City
gown by Missoni

Since we’re already talking boobs, I have to ask: what woman above an A cup could even wear this gown? WHERE DO THE BOOBS GO?! I don’t dislike this on Doutzen Kroes, I’m just wondering how this would even work on literally any other human being.

NICOLE RICHIE in Los Angeles
gown by Dolce & Gabbana

I’m fine with visible bras, but I don’t love seeing the bra and the granny panties through the dress. At least not this dress. And while those shoes are awesome, they’re a little too focus-pulling to pair with that printed gown.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD in New York City
dress by Randi Rahm, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

I love the color, but she looks more like a tweenage Disney star than a 30-year-old country star.

CHLOË MORETZ in Los Angeles
dress by Vivienne Westwood

We’ve had this discussion before, Chloë. Stop wearing vintage-inspired dresses that are too big on you or you will continue to look like you just fell into your grandmother’s wardrobe.

CHLOË MORETZ in Tokyo
dress by Miu Miu

I like that she’s going through a polka dot phase, I’m just not sold on either of these polka dot dresses in particular. I think the exposed zipper is the primary reason I can’t get behind this dress.

MALIN AKERMAN at the Environmental Media Awards
dress by Christian Siriano, purse by Prada, shoes by Walter Steiger

I was about to congratulate Malin Akerman on finally wearing a dress I didn’t find hideous. Then I saw the shoes. I think she’s actually trying to torture me.

DAKOTA FANNING in New York City
gown by Vionnet, purse by Smythson

This is four sizes too big and eight shades too colorless, Dakota. Just go home and start this outfit over again.

LAKE BELL in New York City
dress and shoes by Louis Vuitton

EVERYONE STOP IT WITH WHATEVER THESE SHOES ARE, PLEASE. At least, stop wearing them with cocktail dresses on red carpets. Show me a pair with jeans in some Miranda Kerr-like street style ensemble and I’m sure I’d approve, but this trend as-is? It’s a problem, dear readers.

KATE UPTON in New York City
gown by Azzedine Alaïa, purse by Louis Vuitton

Oh, Kate Upton. The worst-looking best-looking girl in Hollywood. I mean, the hair is atrocious, the makeup is uneven, the dress is one of the least flattering garments I’ve ever seen, and the shoes are terrifying. Kate, you are capable of looking infinitely less ridiculous than this. But only if you fire everyone around you, and immediately.

ALYSSA MILANO in New York City
dress by Alexander McQueen

When I heard Alyssa Milano would be hosting the new season of Project Runway All Stars (which premieres tonight – join me on Twitter to bitch about it!), my reaction was, “Well, she can’t be any worse than the last two models.” But if this outfit is any barometer of what Alyssa Milano finds fashionable, this might be the most horrific season yet. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that it’s almost Halloween. But save your Drag Queen Big Bird costume for a more appropriate venue, okay, Alyssa?

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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