10. Vagina Cleavage
It makes me very upset to say this, but I need a word for when you can see a little side-vagina action, a la Lady Gaga. Side-gina? Vagina cleavage? Peek-a-vag? (I think that’s my favorite.) Maybe we should name it after Gaga and call it a Gagagina. Dear readers, I wish there were not a need for me to invent such a term, but Andy committed a serious fashion faux pas by letting this model walk down the runway in an over-designed bathrobe and a cooter-revealing panty. Andy, I believe that your model got a bikini wax before the show. You really don’t need to prove it to us.
9. The Tiny Backwards Apron
Really? That’s the part of the body we’re choosing to emphasize? The area between the boobs and the bellybutton is not something that women want to highlight with window curtains. That square patch of exposed skin is beyond unnecessary. Also, is it just me, or is this Kurt Cobain in a skirt?
8. Drab and Sad
Anybody in the market for an over-sized denim tunic and a saggy double-layered skirt? No? I didn’t think so.
7. My Lovely Lady Lumps
Oh, lord. Why would anybody place seams in those places? It just makes this poor bitch look like her (nonexistent) fat is busting out of that dress. And the diagonal pieces across her tummy? No, no, no!
6. The Worst of 1999
I had that belt in seventh grade, and even I knew it was lame. Also, that shirt is so tacky I’m pretty sure Jessica Alba wore it in Never Been Kissed. (Yeah, she was in that. So was James Franco. Look it up.) And I’m pretty sure MC Hammer would look at those pants and say, “That’s a bit much.”
5. The Tranny Orchestra
Okay. So this is a dude with a mohawk wearing pants under a skirt while playing the violin. And he had Taylor Momsen do his eyeliner. If this is fashion, I may as well just give up right now.
4. Ugly Pants: The Sequel
For some reason, Catherine Malandrino neglected to read my last post about her ugly pants, and continued her trend of saggy crotches. One season of jodpurs may be forgivable, but two? I will not stand for such offensive clothing.
3. Ugly Pants is Better than No Pants At All
Knitwear legwarmers as pants? Plus a nipple-tastic ratty tee and a giant panty? Okay, Malandrino. I’ll take the saggy-vag pants over this shit.
2. Creature of the Underworld
Dear readers: If you ever see me in a greasy mullet, scary bottom-lid eyeliner, thick-thighed sheer pants, and whatever the fuck those “shoes” are, please commit me to the nearest rehabilitation center. Thank you.
1. The Cameltoe
Look at this poor model’s face. She’s saying, “I’m wearing a jumpsuit in a pattern best suited for your grandmother’s couch, with a karate belt, Wonder Woman bracelets, and queer little bows around my ankles. AND LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID TO MY POOR VAGINA!” In other news, I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “vagina” so many times in one post. I’ll work on that, dear readers.
Up next: The ten BEST looks from New York Fashion Week! Follow me @democracydiva for updates.