Okay, who else is ready for the “Shocking Twist: MAKE MORE STUFF! WITH NO EXTRA TIME!” gimmick to be up? I understand the contestants need to be challenged, but if you expect someone to make a high fashion gown, at least give them more than a day to make it. It’s not about being kinder to the designers – it’s the simple fact that everything on the runway looks like shit when the designers run out of time. Throwing a ready-to-wear look on top of the challenge just decreased the quality of every garment.

And is it just me, or is a total oxymoron to instruct the designers to create a high-fashion couture look… to advertise an $8 eyeshadow? I get that the winner’s $20,000 needs to come from somewhere, but please. Don’t pretend something in a L’Oreal commercial is going to be Parisian couture. It’s an insult to your viewers.

Alright, I’ll shut up. Let’s start the show.

Andy – Top 3

Couture:

I absolutely loved this when it first went down the runway, but the more I look at it, the less impressed I actually am. I still love the fact that Andy made pants, and more importantly, pants that fit well. Christian Siriano is basically the only other designer in the show’s history who can actually construct a pair of pants. At first I appreciated how over-the-top it was, but viewed in photos instead of on TV, it’s basically a bunch of fan-like objects placed on top of an ordinary black suit. And that feels like a bit of a cop-out to me. But Andy has stood by his point of view week after week, which I respect. And in the hot mess on that runway, his stuck out as one of the few with any creativity whatsoever. He’d still have made the top 3 in my judging, but only because everybody sucked this week.

Ready To Wear (RTW):

Sexy, simple, and relatively well-made, considering the constraints he was under. It feels a little Gaga, which I love.

April – Safe

Couture:

I feel like I should be sick of April’s goth-chic aesthetic by now, but I’m not. It doesn’t make for great television, because it’s hard to see the details in all her black outfits, but when you review them in photos, each garment is intricate and unique. I’m digging the leather-and-lace train in particular. It’s like Lady Gaga meets Twilight, which sounds like it should be terrible but actually sort of works! It’s not exactly couture, but it’s intriguing and creative, and for that, I’d have put April in the top 3.

RTW:

Like Andy’s RTW look, April’s dress doesn’t move mountains, but it’s cute enough and isn’t falling apart at the seams. I hate that necklace, though.

Christopher – Safe

Couture:

I didn’t hate this when I first saw it, but I hate it more every minute I look at it. The white draping around her waist is sloppy and unflattering, and in the immortal words of Michael Kors, it looks like she’s pooping fabric. That dirty rose water pink is awful, as is the “nude” underlay that clashes horribly with the model’s skin tone. The shoulder piece is nice from the back, but a little underwhelming from the front. But the hair and makeup really drag this down into the dumps. Christopher seems like a wonderfully sweet person and a good designer, but he may just be too boring to continue much further on the show.

RTW:

Oof! That is some sloppy sewing. The dress is only slightly more boring than April’s and Andy’s RTW looks, but the snooze-worthy fabrics and truly shoddy construction make it seem like a much hotter disaster. And I’d have put him in the bottom 3 for two poorly made and drab-colored garments down the runway.

Gretchen – Top 3

Couture:

Since this season began, I’ve never liked anything Gretchen designs as much as the judges praise it. Sometimes it’s just a matter of personal taste – the 1970s aesthetic that’s all over Gretchen’s mind and the New York Fashion Week runways right now is really not my style – but sometimes, I just want to tell Michael, Nina, and Heidi to put down the crack pipe and open their eyes. This is ugly, dowdy, matronly, and not even remotely couture or high-fashion. I don’t think it feels expensive or chic, and the back, which the judges creamed their pants over, looks beyond tacky to me. I’ll concede that the feather work is nicely done, but this is not a garment that a real woman wants to wear.

RTW:

Gretchen, I’ll give you $20,000 myself if you just make something that doesn’t feature a slouchy sweater, oversized sleeves, or droopy fabrics of any kind. Gretchen’s strong construction skills would make me judge her as safe, but no way in hell would she be in the top 3 if I were in the judge’s circle.

Ivy – Eliminated

Couture:

Well, it was about damn time. Ivy’s been churning out ugly after ugly since the beginning. But I must say, even I could not have anticipated just how ugly this was going to be. I knew the colors were tacky, the concept was too literal, and it wouldn’t be remotely high fashion, but I didn’t think it was going to look THIS bad.

RTW:

And THIS was so bad, it was almost funny. The lack of a hem, the so-called draping, that awful neckline – I’d have sent Ivy home for either one of these looks, and she solidified her fate with two equally horrible garments.

Michael C – Bottom 3

Couture:

Before I noticed the wire hem, the never-ending train and the way the Bordeaux fabric shimmers, I didn’t hate this. I thought it was so derivative of Christian Siriano and other similar designers that it was practically copyright infringement, but I didn’t think it was ugly. But those three details (hem, train, shininess) killed it for me.

RTW:

Again, it’s every Alice + Olivia cocktail dress that Barneys sells, proving once again that Michael C has not an original thought in his head, but at least I could see a young woman wearing this. I actually would have made Michael C safe, not thrown him in the bottom, but I swear if I see one more zipper on this fucking runway, I’m going to lose my mind.

Mondo – Winner!

Couture:

I didn’t love the front, but this was by far the best look on the runway. I hate that the bodice sits so far away from her chest, and the black satiny fabric he used for the front looks cheap and tacky, but the back is simply stunning. I agree with the judges that the length is a problem (too short in front, too long in back), but the back of this dress is the only thing on the runway that I would call high fashion. As always, Mondo mixes prints and colors with impeccable skill, but what amazes me is the geometric, architectural shapes to this skirt. It’s not simply draped in back – it’s practically origami folded in such a complex and beautiful way.

RTW:

Simple and chic, but supremely body-conscious and much more show-stopping than any of the other RTW looks. If his win wasn’t solidified with the couture dress, this certainly would have given him the win in my book.

Valerie – Bottom 3

Couture:

Oh, lord. This dress is as basic as basic gets. The only actual design aspect is that sad little shoulder piece; the rest is an endless nightmare of white. Did she really think she could just wrap white fabric around her model and call it a day?

RTW:

I still get queasy just looking at this hot mess. It certainly gives Ivy a run for her money in terms of suckery. Valerie should thank her lucky stars that Ivy screwed up so badly, and she should watch her back, because if she doesn’t make a 180 soon, the judges are not going to forgive her.

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