Get ready for a live feed of bitchery, because this Diva is live-blogging the Grammys red carpet starting at 5:00 pm EST!

11:28: Well, dear readers, the show is over. God bless you if you’ve stayed with me throughout the entire broadcast. Now get some sleep, and we’ll judge more bitches tomorrow! Thank you and good night.

11:25: This is WAY better than the last song they played.

11:24: And the Grammy goes to… Arcade Fire! Whatever, I’m happy as long as Eminem and Katy Perry didn’t win.

11:22: Are these two seriously presenting Album of the Year? I’m only okay with that because I want to see Lady Gaga hug Barbra Streisand. My head might explode with divaliciousness.

11:13: Okay, the strobe light plus the camera following the random bicyclists around the stage are definitely giving me a headache. You get brownie points for having a girl drummer, but I can’t actually see anything that’s happening, and they sound more like noise than I expected them to. I swear I liked this band at one point, but I’m having a really hard time figuring out why.

11:12: Arcade Fire takes the stage. Not to sound like the old lady that I’ve totally become, but this is kind of giving me a migraine.

11:11: Jason Segel looking super-handsome! Charming and silly, as always. Wish he and Neil Patrick Harris were doing a duet tonight.

11:03: The Grammy for Record of the Year… I’m hoping for “Empire State of Mind,” even though that song’s about ten years old by now… But the award goes to Lady Antebellum once again! Congratulations, you guys!

11:02: I never noticed this before, but Rihanna is a really terrible dancer.

11:01: Oh my God, I’d rather listen to Katy Perry than this. I might even rather listen to Nicki Minaj than this, and that’s saying something. Lock it up, Rihanna.

10:59: I really, really don’t want to hear Rihanna “sing” anymore. Especially now that she’s no longer wearing Dior. But Drake is killing it, as per usual. He’s delicious.

10:58: We’re back to calling him Puff Daddy? Since when?

10:52: And the Grammy for Best Rap Album (I’m hoping it’s Drake, but I know nothing about most of these albums)…  Eminem is the winner! Which sucks. I’ve always found him unnecessarily obnoxious and abrasive. And he was never on Degrassi.

10:50: I just want Barbra to sing Lady Gaga.

10:49: I’m enjoying all the high notes immensely, but everything else is getting lost.

10:48: Is it just me, or is Barbra half-assing this? I feel like she’s talk-singing.

10:47: But of course, the moment I say that – BARBRA STREISAND takes the stage. She is wearing a whoooole lot of eggplant.

10:46: Not gonna lie, kids, I’m ready for this to be over. I’ve been blogging for six hours! (And ignoring all my homework!)

10:40: Can you believe how skinny those skinny jeans are? Why is Mick Jagger the trendiest guy at this show?

10:37: I love watching famous people fawn over way more famous people. Katy Perry and Sara Bareilles are dancing their asses off in the crowd. Apparently everyone of every generation wants to bang Mick Jagger.

10:36: This old bastard has more energy and youth than performers a quarter of his age. I can’t believe how hard he’s rocking that stage. Still swiveling his hips like its the 70s.

10:35: Mick Jagger looks amazing, but we could’ve used a longer transition between “In Memorium” and PARTY TIME, no?

10:31: Dear Grammys president: Shut up and bring out Barbra.

10:28: High school musicians?! Get it, kids!

10:26: According to my twitter feed and the comments on my facebook, NO ONE KNOWS WHO ESPERANZA SPALDING IS. Do you think the Grammys made her up, so they wouldn’t have to choose between the actual artists?

10:22: This is beyond hilarious. I seriously have no idea who she is. And according to Boyfriend of the Diva, she’s been releasing albums since 2006, so I’m not sure why she’s a “new” artist, but why am I trying to bring logic to the Grammys?

10:20: Jewel and John Legend? Snooze. And the Best New Artist competition is FIERCE – Justin Bieber, Drake, Florence + The Machine, Mumford & Sons, Esperanza Spalding (who I’ve never heard of)… And the Grammy goes to… THE ONE I’VE NEVER HEARD OF!

10:15: The runway version of Rihanna‘s gown. (And I was right – it is Christian Dior!)

I wish she’d worn this on the red carpet instead of that Jean Paul Gaultier disaster! What a gorgeous gown.

10:13: I knew immediately that the dress Rihanna is performing in is Christian Dior. Give me a moment to find it, kittens! In the mean time, listen to her pretend to sing!

10:12: Seth Rogen takes the stage, looking quite dapper. Nice suit, cute hair, clean-cut and goofy, the way we like him. AND he made a getting high with Miley Cyrus joke!

10:04: The Grammy for Song of the Year goes to… “Need You Now”! More congrats to Lady Antebellum – the “Lady” of the group looks like she’s about to have a heart attack!

10:03: John Mayer, please get rid of that pedophile moustache. It reminds people that you’re gross enough to have dated Taylor Swift.

10:02: Okay, Nicole Kidman singing along to “Teenage Dream” was just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. That’s pretty much the only time I’ve seen Nicole not seem like a huge bitch.

10:01: Please, God, just send out Darren Criss! I know he’s there!

10:00: The home movies of Katy and Russel Brand in the background are just embarrassing. Totally cringe-worthy.

9:59: This actually doesn’t sound as bad as I thought it would, but Katy doesn’t have the range for a ballad. Or really, for any sort of live singing. But I liked that her bedazzled microphone matches her bedazzled boobies!

9:58: Neil Patrick Harris, don’t leave! I’d much rather see you perform than Katy Perry!

9:55: Finally found a full image of Lea Michele, but it’s not nearly as nice as I originally thought:

This is a near-miss for me. I wish it were overall sharper and cleaner – less wrinkles, less ruffles. The slit should be two inches lower, the skirt should be half a foot shorter, and I hate that bracelet. But her hair and makeup are beautiful, and I love that lace bit in the middle.

9:53: Justin Bieber, a vision in white:

9:52: It’s a good thing Ricky Martin already came out of the closet, because these pants would have done the job for him:

9:51: I can’t believe she didn’t fall off the damn piano in those heels.

9:50: Just saw the shoes, Gwyneth. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. I want want want.

9:48: This is so hilarious. The Muppet backup singers are by far the best. And Gwyneth Paltrow just appeared, in hot pink feather earrings that I love. And she doesn’t sound like shit!

9:47: Cee-Lo Green is a peacock, and there are MUPPETS PERFORMING WITH HIM. I don’t even know how to react to this, but I LOVE IT.

9:46: Those pants? Those BOOTS? Adam Levine looks like HELL:

9:45: Kathy Griffin, looking itsy-bitsy:

9:44: A beautiful performance by Lady Antebellum. And the Grammy for Country Album goes to… Lady Antebellum! No surprise there, since those who perform nearly always win. Well-deserved.

9:41: Gorgeous harmonies, Lady Antebellum.

9:39: Lea Michele is on the stage, and she’s so itsy-bitsy next to that football player, it’s adorable. She looked beautiful, but I still haven’t seen a full length shot of her.

9:36: So, I just linked to a picture of J.Lo in a ridiculous silvery dress (aside from the one she’s wearing tonight), and I’m pretty sure they just showed her wearing it in her Venus: Goddess razor commercial.

9:31: Bob Dylan, please stop singing. I wish they’d kept his mic off a little longer. I mean, I know it’s Bob Dylan, but this is growly even for him. It is cute how excited all the people performing with him look, though, since this is an absolute dream come true for them all.

9:30: Rihanna in Jean Paul Gaultier: Time to play Spot the Pasties!

9:29: Heidi Klum, in Julien Macdonald, goes shiny and backless, of course:

9:27: Miley Cyrus in Roberto Cavalli. If her hair weren’t so strategically placed, she’d be showing some serious titties in this gown.

9:25: Jennifer Lopez in Emilio Pucci:

It’s just a less ice-skatery version of a dress she already wore. Yawn.

9:24: Glee‘s Amber Riley dares to step outside the box in Ema Saval:

9:22: I think she’s wearing armor, with breasts. Epic.

9:21: And the Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Album goes to… LADY GAGA! And she looks truly excited, and I love her high pony and leather bodysuit.

9:20: The multi-talented Smith family:

9:15: I’m sorry, but why isn’t the Glee cast performing tonight?

9:14: And the Grammy for Best Rock Album goes to… The Resistance, Muse. I like your silver leopard print blazer, guy from Muse!

9:13: Who is this stupid bitch in a lime green dress with music notes on it? Is this a joke?

9:11: Is there a reason we’re all wearing blue suede suits? I’m really not feeling it.

9:10: Okay, but when they cut to proud parents Will and Jada, they looked too cute for words. I’d be happy if the worst Usher song of all time weren’t being performed now.

9:09: Oh, good lord. It’s Jayden Smith. And Boyfriend of the Diva just asked, “Is Jayden Smith wearing leopard print leggings?” Why yes, Nate. I believe he is.

9:08: Well, he’s clearly no longer singing. But his dancing is cute, I guess.

9:07: I’m surprised by how good he sounds live. You know, these tween stars are usually bullshit when you hear them without all the processing. Also, are we having a Bieber drum circle? Because this is RANDOM.

9:06: This 2007 video of Justin Bieber was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And I promise you, this Diva does NOT have Bieber Fever.

9:05: I find myself asking this too often, but can someone please tell me why Eva Longoria gets invited to the Grammys?

9:00: Mya is still around? Apparently so!

8:59: Oh, right. I forgot this is an awards show. And the Grammy goes to… Miranda Lambert for Best Female Country Vocal Performance! She looks… like a country star.

8:58: Janelle Monae, who just left the stage:

8:56: Jewel in Pamella Roland, pregnant and chic, if slightly boring.

8:55: LeAnn Rimes in Reem Acra, looking quite similar to Heidi Klum and Kim Kardashian:

8:54: Bruno Mars, if you can’t actually hit the high notes, this performance is not actually as impressive as you think it is.

8:53: Selma Blair, in Lanvin, and quite pregnant.

8:51: Glee‘s Naya Rivera. I hate the hair, I don’t like the rough, home-cut looking neckline, and I HATE that mullet skirt. And those shoes were a mistake.

8:49: My grandmother would not have let me out of the house like this. What was Katy Perry‘s Bubbie thinking?!

8:48: Glee‘s Dianna Agron in Vivienne Westwood. A designer I love, but a dress I hate. It’s more Helena Bonham Carter than cute blonde starlet.

8:46: Natasha Bedingfield. Did anyone know she still had a career?

8:45: Get ready for Nicole Kidman, in Jean Paul Gaultier, who I think has never looked better:

8:44: I still don’t know who she is, but Julianne Hough looks beautiful in Malandrino:

8:43: Teen Queen Selena Gomez looking very mature in J. Mendel:

8:42: Kim Kardashian, in Kaufmanfranco, shows off the wonders of modern plastic surgery:

8:40: Glee‘s Jenna Ushkowitz, in a whole lot of crinoline:

8:39: Eva Longoria in a cute ruffled cocktail dress:

8:38: Hayley Williams of Paramore in Jeremy Scott, looking like the idiot she truly is.

8:36: Jennifer Hudson in Versace

Jennifer Hudson in Versace

8:35: Ciara in Emilio Pucci

Ciara in Emilio Pucci

8:32: Snooki. Did she get a nose job? She looks much prettier than usual.

8:30: Kelly Osbourne in Tadashi Shoji:

8:29: Apparently the photos on here have stopped working, which I anticipated, since the pics I get from twitter never work. But I’m waiting on more pics to post – be patient, my dear readers!

8:26: Sing it, girl! Honey is taking it home. And I love all her nearly-nude dancers!

8:25: It was normal, until I noticed the shoulder implants, which are hilarious. And Gaga‘s abs have never looked better.

8:24: So, in the fifteen minute break I took, I of course missed Lady Gaga‘s birth from her egg. But her performance outfit is relatively normal!

8:10: I can’t get over how good Florence looks in that nude gown. And that was the best Grammys performance I’ve seen in recent memory.

8:08: I think Jennifer Hudson is a little too shouty. When she performs, I always get nervous, like she’s actually yelling at me.

8:07: Florence Welch is absolutely ROCKING Aretha’s “Think.” She’s the only one soulful enough to pull it off, and she just NAILED THE SHIT out of that high note! Go, girl!

8:05: Christina‘s performance much less pitchy and shouty than her Superbowl performance, but I can’t enjoy anything from anyone wearing that much makeup.

8:04: I swear, after this performance, I’m taking a liveblogging break, but I can’t help but say: Christina Aguilera looks heavier and trashier than ever; I’m pretty sure Jennifer Hudson is in Alexander McQueen and Florence Welch is in Elie Saab, and I can’t believe there’s this many divas on one stage, honoring the greatest diva of them all (Queen Aretha).

7:58: Why are we still talking about Rihanna and Nicki Minaj? INTERVIEW LEA!

7:54: I don’t really know who Keri Hilson is, but her dress is too short. And she has a fin poking out of her breast.

7:53: Rihanna, if you have to constantly readjust to make sure your nipples aren’t poking through between your pipe-cleaners, you’re wearing the wrong dress.

7:52: Heidi Klum in – get ready for it – SHINY! LOW-CUT! HIGH SLIT! It’s Julien McDonald, and she looks as Heidilicious as ever.

7:50: Why are we interviewing Jamie Foxx‘s paid escorts when LEA MICHELE HAS JUST ARRIVED? Oh my God, she looks amazing from what I can see. Dramatic red lips and a sexy black dress with a high slit and lace embellishments.

7:43: Jewel is five and a half months pregnant – mazel tov to her, because it took her a few years to conceive. And I think this is the best she’s looked in years – she’s in Pamela Roland.

7:41: Rihanna looks like a Dr. Seuss character in her Jean Paul Gaultier gown. She’s basically wrapped in horizontal white pipe cleaners, and let me tell you, it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. And Ryan is making some full-on creepy comments about her. It seems highly likely that he can see her cooter, even if we can’t.

7:36: Justin Bieber: the only person on the red carpet shorter than Ryan Seacrest! Also, the Biebz is rocking his white tuxedo with even whiter sneakers, which is exactly what a sixteen-year-old pop star SHOULD do!

7:35: Katy is in what looks like a silver rhinestone bra attached to an iridescent white skirt. She, grandma, and Russel are all in Armani.

7:33: Katy Perry and Russel Brand just showed up WITH KATY’S GRANDMA IN TOW! AND HER CANE IS BEDAZZLED! Alright, I’m officially in love with Katy, because that’s exactly how me and my Bubbie would be on the red carpet. And I would bedazzle the shit out of her cane. Oh, and Katy is indeed wearing angel wings.

7:32: Diddy, a leather jacket and no tie? You’re so much classier than this!

7:30: Nicole Kidman is looking absolutely unbelievable in Jean Paul Gaultier. This is the best she’s ever looked, in my opinion. So much less severe than her usual Ice Queen aesthetic. The hair is warm, shiny and soft, and the dress is dramatic and elegant.

7:29: Jennifer Lopez is wearing the same too-short, too-tight, super-shiny silver Emilio Pucci long-sleeved dress that she’s worn at every awards show for nearly a decade. Snooze.

7:28: Justin Bieber in a white tux. I’ll admit it – he looks absolutely fantastic! And I see a bit of Katy Perry – angel wings may or may not be involved.

7:27: Miley‘s Roberto Cavalli dress is trash-tastic (didn’t I already tell you the trashiest gowns are Cavalli?!), like a slightly less skanky version of a Kesha outfit. And I’m sorry, but her shoulders look huge.

7:25: Miley Cyrus is telling Willow how much she loves her song, which is actually cute. Or it would be, if I couldn’t see Miley‘s sideboob popping out the side of her dress. And is it just me, or is it disturbing how hard Miley always flirts with Ryan Seacrest?

7:24: Willow Smith is on the red carpet, talking about how her hair-whipping frenzy has changed lives. She looks kinda boring.

7:19: Thank God, photographic evidence of Nicki Minaj has finally surfaced, because words can’t do it justice:

7:18: A glimpse of one of my idols, Sara Bareilles, a vision in red. She’s wearing Escada, gorgeous purse, gorgeous earrings, gorgous bracelet, and fabulous, daring ,vintage-looking hair. (You know me, I’m a sucker for a beautiful singer with a big nose!)

7:17: Caught a glipse of Naya Rivera (Glee’s Santana), who would look amazing if her dress didn’t have that mullet hem.

7:16: Found photos of Florence Welch, of Florence + the Machine, in her Givenchy Spring 2011 couture gown:

7:14: Mya‘s head looks way too small for her body, but I think I might like her dress. And now we’re interviewing Ricky Martin, who is going to be on Broadway in Evita. And I thought Broadway had already seen its apocalypse in the form of Spider-man: Turn off the Dark.

7:13: Mother of the Diva on Kelly Osbourne: “She looks like Ms. Piggy. But a nice-looking Ms. Piggy.”

7:12: I’ve figured out why I hate Bruno Mars – the gelled-up hair is an exact replica of the hairstyle favored by all the douchebags I hated in middle school; and he’s wearing a tux WITHOUT A TIE. UGH.

7:11: Cyndi Lauper is on the red carpet in something leathery and fabulous. Close-up on Jewel, who is looking lovely but boring in her standard pregnant-starlet-on-the-red-carpet gown.

7:09: Amber Riley (Mercedes) from Glee is in the house! She is wearing a really daring, sparkly printed cocktail dress. All the detailing looks like rhinestones, but is actually paint. And she’s wearing a giant gold necklace connected to a shoulder-pad. It’s very over-the-top ghetto fabulous, in a wonderful way. And Dianna Agron (Quinn) looks a little too goth for my taste. The smoky eye doesn’t work on her delicate porcelain features, and her dress is too dark to really see on TV.

7:08: A text from my sister reads, “Re: your last post – mommy wants to know why you know strippers!” Uh-oh, readers. I’m in trouble!

7:05: Kim Kardashian: “I’m like a bronze trophy right now.” She’s in Kaufman Franco, and seems to have once again forgotten that there is a way to accent your ample boobs and butt without looking large all over. I know strippers who wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress.

7:03: To me, it seems very obvious that Hayley Williams (looking tacky and downright stupid in Jeremy Scott) of Paramore was always a little pop-diva mama’s girl performing monkey, rather than a punk rock queen. Let’s avoid the giant elephant in the room – that your band is basically a joke.

7:02: I only sort of know who Janelle Monae is, but I respect her for wearing basically a glittery tuxedo. And Tia Carrere, who I recognize from Wayne’s World, which makes me feel a hundred years old, is looking like the aged supermodel that she is in a boring green gown.

7:02: Adam Levine, put a tie on. I know the Grammys are fun, but you need to wear more than a T-shirt and a blazer.

7:01: John Mayer looks like Johnny Depp – dirty, creepy, and drug-addled.

7:00: We’re interviewing Donnie Wahlberg, which officially means there’s no one interesting on the red carpet. But they just cut to Natasha Bedingfield, whose hair is hardcore finger-curled, 1920s Hollywood style.

6:58: Jordin Sparks is looking like she’s at her high school Valentine’s Day dance. She’s in Zang Toi (sp?). There’s just too much material, and it’s very unflattering on her curvalicious figure. Her earrings are lovely, but she needs a necklace and a little more color in her makeup.

6:57: Back to Nicki Minaj: Her hair is leopard print, as are her gloves, dress, stockings, and shoes.

6:55: I’m not sure who Julianne Hough is, but I find her annoyingly perky. But the dress is okay (it’s Malandrino). Nothing particular ground-breaking. Apparently she’s dating Ryan Seacrest. Not surprising – she has fag hag/beard written all over her.

6:49: Drake is always one of the best-dressed men on the red carpet, and he brought his mom, which I always love. I noticed how surprisingly white and Jewish Drake‘s mom is, and Wikipedia-ed him to find out that his mother is indeed both white and Jewish. (And Canadian.) Did you guys know that Drake had a Bar Mitzvah? I LOVE it.

6:48: Selena Gomez is shiny in J. Mendel. Sexy and mature, without being slutty, but it’s a bit wrinkled, no? I’m not liking the way it lays on her. But her hair and makeup are beautiful. My sister informs me that Bubbie said about Selena: “She’s coming out of her dress! They think they look nice like that?”

6:44: Jennifer Hudson is participating in an Aretha Franklin tribute? See you bitches THERE.

6:43: Ryan is interviewing Jennifer Hudson, wearing Versace. She somehow has lost even more weight and looks the best she ever has. She also towers over Ryan by about a foot. I wish she hadn’t done the stick-straight hair, but she looks itsy-bitsy and quite lovely. Though I think I spot a mullet hem (short in the front, long in the back) which I can’t approve of. And I may also be able to see a corner of her bra, which is A NO-NO.

6:41: Kelly Osbourne interviewing Ciara, wearing Emilio Pucci. In my opinion, the trashiest, feather-iest, most J.Lo-looking gowns are almost always Emilio Pucci or Roberto Cavalli. Ciara’s slit is so high, I almost saw her penis. And those shoes are AWFUL with that dress.

6:39: This just in: According to the always-reliable twitterverse, Katy Perry will wear THREE Giorgio Armani looks tonight. I’m ready!

6:38: LL Cool J is another man who hasn’t aged in twenty years.

6:36: My sister just posted the following conversation between her and our grandmother:

Haley: “Bubbie, Lady Gaga is in that egg! Isn’t that nuts?!”
Bubbie: “No, I think it’s very interesting.”

You may disagree, but my 87-year-old Bubbie thinks Gaga is very interesting. And God help you if you disagree with my Bubbie.

6:33: Giuliana Rancic says, of Gaga: “Two words: OB-SESSED.” If you’re wondering if it’s hot in the womb in humid Los Angeles, Gaga‘s entourage says no, it’s not. Apparently the womb contains an oxygen tank (Gaga is wearing an oxygen mask) and a fan! No joke!

6:32: Ryan is talking to Gaga through the womb. I’m actually laughing out loud. Gaga is rocking some sunglasses in there, and waving from the womb. Also, Gaga‘s creative director looks beautiful, but says she’s not allowed to say what Gaga‘s wearing in there.

6:30: We can see Gaga‘s limbs as she gets carried in her womb through the crowd. This is pretty awesome. And the people carrying her are indeed supermodels. I am correct in calling it a womb, as Gaga herself calls it, since she is INCUBATING. (So that she can soon burst out, placenta-covered, and proclaim to be BORN THIS WAY.)

6:23: I’d never really heard of Bruno Mars till his stuff was on Glee, but I kind of thought he was a band, not an eleven-year-old looking hybrid of Pauly D and Justin Bieber. How the hell is he TWENTY-FIVE years old? He looks like a fetus.

6:22: Does she have to wear that awful shade of pink lipstick with EVERYTHING? Other lip colors exist, Nicki.

6:21: Nicki Minaj is trying SO HARD to be Lady Gaga, from her inflection to her outfit to her mannerisms. The leopard print outfit she’s wearing is Givenchy. Her dress has pockets, which I love. And the leopard-print hair is a statement and a half. But this bitch is ANNOYING.

6:19: Kathy will be on Broadway in Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony! As she said, “I like to be direct.”

6:17: Kathy Griffin says her friendship with Ryan Seacrest is making her lose her street cred. That’s completely true. Kathy Griffin looks pretty fucking phenomenal for fifty. And I just caught a glimpse of Nicki Minaj in an afro and a whole lot of animal print.

6:13: Martina McBride is in something black, boring, and asymmetrical. Jewel is uber-pregnant in a yellow, one-shoulder halter gown.

6:12: Ryan is interviewing Lenny Kravitz. I swear, Lenny hasn’t aged since the 90s.

6:11: The scrolling E! News reel at the bottom of the screen tells me Ashlee Simpson is divorcing Pete Wentz! I’m trying to pretend I care.

6:09: Kelly Osbourne, if you’re going to wear Tadashi Shoji, you need to a) remember the designer’s name and b) learn how to pronounce it.

6:08: Florence is going to be performing at the Oscars? Epic!

6:07: FLORENCE WELCH IS IN THE HOUSE! In Givenchy Haute Couture, as we already know. Not my favorite collection, but she can pull it off. Now she’s gushing about how much she loved her song on Glee. Ryan Murphy, go ask Flo to guest star! Now!

6:06: Ryan interviewing Matt Morrison. Matt seems pretty drunk. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

6:05: Ryan is interviewing B.o.B., who I don’t care about, but I like his red blazer.

6:03: The story of the Gaga entrance: A truck from a talent agency pulled up. Blocked from view, Gaga‘s womb exited the truck and her entourage carried her to the limo entrance to the red carpet. Ryan is speculates that she will burst out of her egg and immediately break into “Born This Way,” which is a little too literal for my tastes, but that’s Gaga.

6:02: Ryan Seacrest says, “I see a few half-naked guys, and I assume that’s part of Gaga‘s entourage.” Good assumption, Rye-Pie. And apparently, Gaga‘s single went #1 in TWENTY-THREE countries on Friday.

6:01: After an hour of bullshitting, the actual red carpet coverage has begun! If you’re just tuning in now, don’t worry, nothing’s happened yet except Gaga in a womb!

5:59: Way to go, tranny up front in the meat dress! This is your moment!

5:58: We are in a PARADE OF GAGAS. Did they set the Guiness World Record of Gaga impersonators in one place? YES!

5:54: Well, I agree with them on the #1 outrageous Grammy fashion moment: I remember seeing J.Lo in that crazy green dress at the 2003 Grammys like it was yesterday. And even then, as a fifteen-year-old Jersey girl, I knew that was the tackiest thing I’d ever seen.

5:53: Joan Rivers isn’t actually there live? I know she’s old as dirt, but she couldn’t get off her wrinkly ass and hit up the show?

5:52: “If there hadn’t been Grace Jones, there wouldn’t be Lady Gaga as we know her today.” – Kelly Osbourne. No disagreements here. Also, Giuliana, you’re way too old to use the word “preggers.”

5:50: Where is Joan? Why are we counting down boring, allegedly outrageous red carpet moments that no one remembers if we don’t even have a crazy old lady giving commentary?

5:47: Found a better picture of Gaga‘s womb:

It appears that the models holding Gaga‘s egg have those beneath-the-skin temple horns that she dons in her Born This Way promo.

5:45: Joan Rivers counting down the top ten most outrageous moments in Grammy red carpet history? Can’t wait.

5:40: Britney is never going to wear something normal, girls. You can’t expect her to show up in a simplistic, minimalist dress. (FYI, they’re photo-shopping celebs heads onto runway gowns. I wish I had such technology at my disposal.)

5:38: Florence is actually wearing the dress Kelly Osbourne (and I) predicted she’d wear, from Givenchy’s Spring 2011 couture collection. They only showed Flo for a second, but she looked fierce, of course. She wore Givenchy to the VMAs last year, and completely rocked it.

5:37: Playing Barbie doll with real-life music divas? Great idea! We all know I love dictating what fashion icons should wear.

5:32: Gay Stylist thinks “animal prints are a neutral.” Well, that’s obviously not true.

5:31: Daughter of Joe Walsh from the Eagles modeling animal print stick-on nails?! WHAT IS HAPPENING? (But, my friend did rock those in class last week, and they really do look adorable.)

5:29: We couldn’t find anyone more famous than Sophie Tweed Simmons to model bright colored eyeshadow? I love “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels,” but this is sort of pathetic.

5:23: Florence modeled Elie Saab and Temperley gowns. The Elie Saab gown is one of my favorites from that collection; a full-length version of this dress Leighton Meester wore.

5:22: Clips of Florence Welch gushing over how much she loves Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Rihanna‘s fashion statements, and her own wacky personal style. They actually have her showing and modeling the dresses she’ll possibly wear tonight!

5:21: They’re saying Florence + the Machine is the favorite to upset Bieber for Best New Artist tonight. If that’s true, I’ll be shocked but thrilled!

5:13: Since no one famous is arriving at the Grammys three hours early, and Gaga is hiding out in an egg, we’re comparing Madonna and her followers in a very special moment of BITCH STOLE MY LOOK. Yes, we all know Rihanna and Britney and Lady Gaga’s styles are influenced by Madonna. That’s not news, E!

5:09: E! is trying to set the Guiness World Record for the most Lady Gaga impersonators in one place. THERE ARE SO MANY DRAG QUEENS THERE.

5:06: #1 is obviously the Gaga, and though we haven’t seen her yet on the actual red carpet, we already know there’s a giant egg involved, so obviously she’s proven she deserves the Who to Watch tonight top spot.

5:05: #2: Nicki Minaj. I have NO interest in seeing what fugly ass, Kesha-wannabe bullshit she wears tonight. Gay Stylist calls her “avant garde,” but she’s actually just straight up mentally ill.

5:04: #3 to watch tonight: Katy Perry. Definitely agreed that she’s someone I’m excited to see tonight, because girl loves to pull out the sartorial equivalent of a crack pipe.

5:03: Their number 4 “Who to Watch” on the red carpet tonight is Selena Gomez. Gay Stylist just said “I love the mullet dress” (in reference to Gomez’s dress last year) which makes me automatically hate him. WILL SELENA SHOW UP WITH THE BIEBS? I don’t really care.

5:02: E!’s countdown of who to watch tonight: Rihanna, at #5. They’re discussing her white Elie Saab gown from last year, which was a lot of look, but pretty daring and fabulous.

5:00: The live red carpet show begins on E! It’s Giuliana Rancic, with some queer stylist, and Kelly Osbourne, who looks awesome in a frilly lilac cocktail dress.

4:47 pm: The red carpet broadcast hasn’t begun, but Giuliana Rancic already tweeted the following photos of Lady Gaga’s red carpet entrance:

Giuliana’s tweets confirm that yes, Gaga is inside that egg. The fun begins!

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© Democracy Diva, 2011.