Happy Sunday, darlings. Let’s start judging.
AMBER HEARD in Amanda Wakeley
This is actually pretty fabulous. The shoulder cut-outs keep it modern and youthful. I could do without the little apron over her waist – it could have been so much more flattering without it. The nude shoes are obvi0us, but the green purse was a fun little addition. Perfect hair and makeup for this dress.
ANNA PAQUIN in Versus
We’ve never really had an opinion on Anna Paquin before, but she’s rapidly losing points the longer I look at this outfit. If the structure in your bodice is made of purple glittery pipe cleaners and black pantyhose, you’re an aspiring Vegas showgirl, not a stylish actress at a red carpet event. Also, take a close look at the black fabric in that bodice. Is it tearing? Are there runs in it? Does Anna have some very strange tummy tattoos? How do you explain those wiggly lines in the black fabric? And Anna, darling: underboob is NOT an accessory.
ANNE HATHAWAY in Prada
Oof. You can usually count on Hathaway to bring something not necessarily original, but always glamorous. Instead, she went for something a little more unique, that actually looks like hell in a handbasket. I don’t like to shy celebrities away from taking risks, but this needs to be said: The dark pink fabric in the back is unnecessary and only takes away from the gown. The fabric itself is stiff and ill-fitting – literally none of the dress appears to fit her as it should. And while the top could be the cutest bathing suit I’ve ever seen, it’s not something I want to see on Anne Hathaway at a formal event. The nude skirt precisely matches her skin tone, which I hate. And let’s be honest – girlfriend should eat a sandwich. Just saying.
BUSY PHILLIPPS in Juan Carlos Obando
Unless you’re Hailee Steinfeld’s age or younger, stop wearing braids on the red carpet. With this blue, ill-fitting dress, she doesn’t lookout of place at a sad little 80s prom. The shoes are okay, but they don’t even remotely go with that dress.
CAMERON DIAZ in Chanel
CAT DEELEY in Dolce & Gabbana
She’s the eight thousandth person to wear this dress, and although she looks beautiful, that’s more because she herself is incredibly gorgeous. But this dress needs a way more fun pair of shoes and a whole lot of accessories.
CHLOE MORETZ in Versace
FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. And kicking every A-list starlet’s ASS on the red carpet. This is fashion-forward, daring, interesting, age-appropriate, and she is WORKING it. And she has purple nail polish, which is endearing, because it proves that she really is a fourteen-year-old girl.
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS in Boss Black by Hugo Boss
Boring, but she usually looks like a hot tranny disaster, so this is a vast improvement. Higher heels would’ve made this so much more flattering, and shoes with a little style wouldn’t hurt, either. Hair and makeup are, for once, excellent.
COURTENEY COX in Lanvin
DIANE KRUGER in Yves Saint Laurent
It looks like she doesn’t have legs. The hair is lazy and her left boob is certainly going to make an appearance if she takes a few more steps. There’s a beautifully, elegantly draped Grecian gown, and there’s a roll of fabric thrown on a body. This is the latter.
DITA VON TEESE
This is so wrong, I don’t even know where to begin. Schoolgirl outfits can offer a lot of inspiration for fashion, but the round collar and the black stockings are the LAST things you should copy. They’re the dowdiest aspects of the schoolgirl look, and they make Emily look like a prostitute who caters to men with a particularly disturbing Lolita fetish.
EVA MENDES in Thierry Mugler
EVAN RACHEL WOOD in Dolce & Gabbana
This haircut was such a mistake. Her longer hair masked the fact that she doesn’t have a particularly nice face, or any features that are enhanced by such a short haircut. She looks more like a super-gay Backstreey Boy than anything else.
FERGIE in Louis Vuitton
The hair is pulled so tight, Fergie looks like she just had about six face lifts. And based on how odd her face and neck look here, that really wouldn’t surprise me. I like the coat, but everything else is just absurd.
FLORENCE WELCH in Anna Sui
FLORENCE WELCH in Gucci
GODDESS. She’s been wearing this dress in every color on her tour, which is just one of the many perks of being the face of Gucci. I can’t get enough of it.
HAILEE STEINFELD in Alberta Ferretti
I HAAAAATE denim jackets, but she’s fifteen, so I GUESS she’s allowed. At least the dress is cute. The shoes and purse also only work on her because of her age.
JAYMA MAYS in Elise Overland
The dress is about as basic as can be, except for the fact that it’s in a large and ugly print. The nude shoes and the tan bag were boring choices, and they don’t even go well together. Oh, and throwing your wet hair in a messy bun and throwing on some lipstick does not make you red-carpet ready, darling.
JESSICA ALBA in Issa
KATE MIDDLETON in Alexander McQueen
KATE WINSLET in Victoria Beckham
I just can’t believe THIS is the woman Project Runway picked as the guest judge for their next season finale. Kim Kardashian is many things – desperate being primary among them – but she has no fucking style. She will pull on the tightest, TIGHTEST dress she can possibly can, and that is not style. And the way this outlines her breasts is just vulgar.