ANGELINA JOLIE // gown and shoes by Atelier Versace, purse by Christian Louboutin
Anyone could have predicted Angelina would wear Atelier Versace, but I don’t think any of us could have imagined that the woman who perpetually looks like she doesn’t give a shit would pull out ALL the fucking stops for the Golden Globes. She was truly glowing in this dress, a perfect shade of ivory light enough to not be nude (and thus, tired) and dark enough not to be white (and thus, boring). The cut is fantastic, figure-hugging and sexy without showing too much skin. Her legs look incredible, and the ivory shoes are actually welcome because anything else would have been heavy and distracting next to that ivory gown that moves like liquid. The red collar is really what makes this gown a stand-out piece, and matching the lips and purse was brilliant. Hair, earrings – it’s all working. It’s all fabulous.
SALMA HAYEK // gown and purse by Gucci
Salma in Gucci is a tried-and-true formula, but she pulled out the divaliciousness even more than usual. It’s a bit long, but the dress itself is beautiful and flattering, the hair is fierce, the purse is perfect, the earrings are glam. Good work!
CHARLIZE THERON // gown by Christian Dior, headband by Cartier
Ferocious dress, glam shoes, fabulous hair, killer headband – if only any of it were in a color. Charlize is so devoted to ivory-nude-pink-beiges, it’s upsetting. She can bring the glam when she wants to – I just wish she’d bring it a little more colorfully.
EVAN RACHEL WOOD // gown by Gucci Première, purse by Judith Leiber
The gown itself is incredible, a total masterpiece. But I think the plunging neckline with the halter-style top is a little unflattering and leaves her with virtually no tits. I think this also required a diamond bracelet or blinging earrings, and her Backstreet Boy haircut can ruin even the glammest of gowns.
TILDA SWINTON // gown and jacket by Haider Ackermann
A FABULOUS jacket-dress combo in a great color, but I don’t love a mermaid gown on anyone, even Tilda. But I do think the hair is fashion-forward and the bracelets are killer.
NICOLE RICHIE // gown by Julien Macdonald, purse by House of Harlow, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I hate, hate, hate the deconstructed hemline – when the rest of the look is polished and glam, a purposefully ragged hemline looks accidental and sloppy. I don’t think the seams on this gown are flattering – in fact, I think they point straight to her tummy – but it’s still a nice gown. There’s a whole lot of shiny jewelry and purse action happening, though. I’m not sure she needed all that.
PAULA PATTON // gown by Monique Lhuillier
Love the color, but she needs a necklace and a less obnoxious expression.
VIOLA DAVIS // gown by Emilio Pucci, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Jimmy Choo
It’s a nice color on her, but she really shines in super-bright colors, so I prefer her in those. The shoes are bulky, and the slit’s a bit high for her. But I love the hair and makeup.
SHAILENE WOODLEY // gown by Marchesa
She’s young, so she’s got time to learn about the pros and cons of illusion netting, and the fact that not all Marchesa gowns are actually all that wearable. She needs to get her hair and makeup to meet the formal standard that her dress is setting, but she looks positively statuesque, and the silhouette is lovely on her.
DEBRA MESSING // gown by Monique Lhuillier
Very expected but still dramatic and eye-catching. Love that green ring.
SARAH HYLAND // gown by Dolce & Gabbana
If it were a color, and a size bigger, I’d support it.
OCTAVIA SPENCER // gown by Tadashi Shoji, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Christian Louboutin
It’s flattering, but it would look so much better with hair down, a shorter hem, and in a richer, darker color.
FREIDA PINTO // gown and belt by Prada, purse by Roger Vivier, shoes by Louis Vuitton
Freida, you are literally the most beautiful woman in the world, as far as I am concerned. There’s virtually no reason for you to wear something this boring and forgettable. I’m highly disappointed.
Honey, those tiger stripes in your hair need to get fixed pronto. And it looks like your dress is on inside-out.
HEIDI KLUM // gown by Calvin Klein
No. This is a nothing of a dress, and that jewelry is so obnoxiously gigantic, I can’t even understand it. Klum, you may look hot no matter what, but do us all a favor and put the effort in anyway.
SOFIA VERGARA // gown by Vera Wang
The most predictable thing she could have chosen. Thumbs down for mermaid gowns.
ROONEY MARA // gown by Nina Ricci
I was anticipating that Rooney would pull something fucking amazing out for the Golden Globes, but this? This was both ugly and predictable. We knew it would be black (check), we knew it would have cut-outs (check), we knew it was going to walk a line between creepy and fashion-forward (check, but this falls on the creepy side of the line). And the hem at the bottom . . . I just don’t know why anyone wants that pouch of fabric around their feet. One more cut-out black dress and I’m giving up on this girl completely.
NAYA RIVERA // gown by Vera Wang, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
The neckline looks like elastic waistband pants; the seam down the middle is puckered and completely unflattering; the dress is half a size too big. And the color? This sad, dingy, gunmetal gray? Why, Naya?