This is only the beginning, dear readers. Check back soon for Part 2 and Part 3 for more of the best and worst dressed at the 2012 Golden Globe Awards
EMMA STONE // gown and shoes by Lanvin
This is everything I look for in a red carpet look. Stunning colors (better yet, unconventional colors for the red carpet), charming details (I am obsessed with the touch of glitter on the edge of her cap sleeve), sex appeal (here’s how to do a plunging V-neck without looking slutty, Young Hollywood!), and it’s fashion-forward. I love Lanvin, I love redheads in purple, I love that splash of berry pink and I LOVE Emma Stone.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL // gown, purse and shoes by Prada
I would like to thank Zooey Deschanel for stepping out of the twee box and leaving the girly little dresses to the actual children. Once again, we’ve got interesting and beautiful colors – I think that green is marvelous in moderation, and the ombre effect into the navy blue (perhaps black?) is quite beautiful. She should have kept her hair up for a dress with such a busy neckline, but that’s my only major critique. And from the back:
Stunning. I’m shocked to see myself write it, but Zooey looks glamorous. Well done!
CLAIRE DANES // gown by J. Mendel
I’ll start with the bad: the makeup. Claire, honey, you’ve got a beautiful little punim, as my people say. Who convinced you to cover it in clown makeup? It looked even worse on television. But the gown is so striking, and she brought incredible grace and elegance to it. Plus, she RAN onto the stage to accept her award in that thing. And then she gave a beautiful speech and talked about My So-Called Life and I cried because I just am Angela Chase.
I’m getting off topic. Let’s see the back:
Ka-BOOM. Red carpet motherfucking dynamite.
ARIEL WINTER // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Charlotte Olympia
The thirteen-year-old Modern Family star was too cute, running onto the stage hand-in-hand with her TV fam. And for the first time, she BROUGHT it to the red carpet. That dress is fabulous and exactly what I would have chosen at that age. And probably my age too. Hair is gorgeous, makeup perfect.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR // gown by Monique Lhuillier, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Apparently Sarah Michelle’s two-year-old daughter picked out this dress, which is pretty adorable. I don’t think it’s acceptable to wear a ponytail with a gown this dramatic, but holy SHIT do I love how much drama she’s bringing to the red carpet. The print is fabulous, and she’s wearing tons of fabric but doesn’t look heavy or weighed-down by it. I’d nix the bracelet, add a subtle necklace, and take the hair down, but I think it’s a really beautiful dress.
HELEN MIRREN // gown by Badgley Mischka
I’d love a little more volume or style in the hair, and I think the belt is unreasonably large, but it’s kind of impossible for Helen Mirren to not look totally bangin’. Love the earrings.
JULIANNE MOORE // gown by Chanel, earrings by Bulgari
I hate a mermaid gown, and I hate a double-skirted gown, and this is both. However, Julianne Moore has a truly atrocious red carpet track record, and so I’m willing to overlook that, because she still looks fantastic. The hair is PERFECT – NEVER CHANGE IT! – and you can’t really go wrong with green earrings on red hair. It’s just gorgeous.
JESSICA ALBA // gown by Gucci
I felt like I was supposed to love this, but I just don’t have it in me. I think that Jessica looked absolutely flawless on TV – seriously, does she have an entourage of professional airbrushers surrounding her at all times? – but this is so . . . bridesmaid. I just can’t see it as anything other than a fairly nice bridesmaid gown in a pink-in-some-lights, lilac-in-others dingy color. And the satin purse? How do you expect me to not make bridesmaid references with that purse?
JULIANNA MARGUILES // gown by Naeem Khan
This is too much gown, or the wrong color, or both. She just looks like some kind of weird purple lizard. And those earrings are too big. She’s bringing enough attitude to sort of pull this off, but it’s still kind of difficult to look at.
JULIE BOWEN // gown by Reem Acra, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Casadei
The Betty Draper references were all over Twitter when Julie Bowen stepped onto the red carpet in this dress. Rightfully so – the hair is downright ridiculous. It’s straight out of a 1950s sitcom. The dress itself is exquisite, but I can’t accept yet another gown that’s the same color as her skin. She’s unstoppably beautiful, which means she can do a whole lot better than this.
REESE WITHERSPOON // gown by Zac Posen
Honey, this does not come close to fitting you. You don’t fill out the bust, and the embellishments on the hips don’t do you any favors. The dress is miles too long, the mermaid effect is awful, and the bottom of that hem looks so stiff, I wonder if it was stapled together in the limo en route to the show.
MARY J. BLIGE // gown by Michael Kors
This is basically the only thing she ever wears, isn’t it? Too tight, sparkly, feathered, Michael Kors? It’s formulaic.
JESSICA BIEL // gown by Valentino
We get it. You’re getting married. Congratu-fucking-lations. If that means a season of Jessica in increasingly hideous Mormon prairie bridal gowns, I resign. I don’t care how beautiful that Valentino lace work is, this is somehow slutty (I mean, does the slit go directly up to her vagina?) and frumpy at the same time.
MELISSA MCCARTHY // gown, purse and shoes by Badgley Mischka
This isn’t the right gown for her body – I think something more structured could be great on her – and the hair is really not working for me. Celebrate your success by firing your stylist, Melissa!
KATHARINE MCPHEE // dress by Donna Karan
SEEK A COLOR INTERVENTION IMMEDIATELY.
NATALIE PORTMAN // gown by Lanvin, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Why does Natalie Portman think she can make red on pink work? She can’t, or at least, not here. The side bustle on that dress is insane, like she has a second ass hanging off the side of her regular ass. The pink and red satin and especially the red satin purse make this like some sort of tacky Valentine’s Day/bridesmaid thing that I don’t even know how to handle. After a year without Natalie on the red carpet, I was looking forward to her coming back with a bang, not a flop.
KELLY OSBOURNE // gown by Zac Posen
That is too much dress for you, honey. Leave that kind of thing to Coco Rocha. And I still can’t believe you’re insisting on that hair. It’s . . . it’s just the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, Kelly. There’s no reason to do that to yourself.
BUSY PHILLIPPS // gown by Temperley London, purse and shoes by Jimmy Choo
Oh, so apparently we can just wear shower curtains and spray-tan and we’re ready for the Globes? I don’t fucking think so. Take that gravity-defying nest you call your hair down, scrape off your tangerine bronzer and ditch the eight hundred gilded accessories. I know you think you look like a Grecian goddess, but trust me, honey. You don’t.