BEYONCE // gown by Givenchy
Bow down, motherfuckers, because the Queen B has arrived – an extraordinarily fashionable two hours late but, as always, worth the wait. It’s a good thing she didn’t hit the red carpet with the mere mortals, because every other celeb in the room would have disappeared. All eyes would be on new mommy Beyonce, her post-but-somehow-already-back-to-pre-baby body, and all those gorgeous purple feathers.
Seriously, let’s gush a little bit. The sleek pony and neutral makeup are perfect – just formal enough for the event (and the mega-dramatic gown) but mostly, it just makes her glow. And though many other ladies donned black Givenchy for the evening, no one came close to rocking it as hard as Bey.
And thus, with some beading and lace, a touch of illusion netting, and an ombre train of black and purple feathers, Beyonce announced to the world: “I’M BACK, BITCHES!”
KATE BOSWORTH // dress, purse, and shoes by Prada
I am a sucker for a good 1920s throwback, so Kate Bosworth had me drooling over her modern flapper dress the second she hit the red carpet. The ombre fringe from cranberry to black (another very common trend at the Gala) is breathtaking, the halter neckline is adorable, and her legs look great. She went chic and simple with her gorgeous accessories (love the purse and the cuff!) but that perfect shade of lipstick brought the look to an entirely new level.
Many ladies rocked the backless trend at this event, but none looked more glam in it than Ms. Bosworth. Keep up the fabulous flapper style, Kate!
COCO ROCHA // jumpsuit by Givenchy, shoes by Sergio Rossi
Before you start furiously commenting that I’ve been smoking as much crack as the Project Runway judges if I actually like this outfit, let me state my defense. This jumpsuit was previously owned by none other than Elizabeth Taylor. It even has a tiny wine stain on it – spilled by Liz Taylor herself. Let that marinate for awhile, and then remember that the hot pink is an homage to Schiaparelli (the Costume Exhibit’s honoree, along with Miuccia Prada), and it might start to occur to you that Coco. Fucking. BROUGHT. IT. The jacket and jumpsuit are vintage glam in the most fun, most vibrant, wackiest way, and fuck the haters – I LOVED that Coco dyed her hair to match. Anna Wintour’s lobster dress/homage to Schiaparelli will come off at the end of the night; Coco’s dyed hair is at least slightly more permanent. That’s dedication to the theme, bitches! And the shoes are fantastic, somehow so wrong that they’re right.
Maybe without the back story, this seems insane, and you can make the point that good fashion should speak for itself. But I’ll once again use the argument that it’s the goddamn Met Gala. I mean, when else would you pull out your vintage wine-stained Liz Taylor canary-yellow-and-Barbie-pink ensemble, right?
VICTORIA JUSTICE // dress by McQ, purse by Alexander McQueen
This was my Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Emma Watson, but really it’s my Fall ’12 pick for my dream closet. In the terrifying dream world that is my imagination (a magical place where people break into showtunes in the middle of sentences and everyone styles themselves after Effie Trinket), Emma Watson and I will bond over our jealousy that this little Disney star beat us to the McQ dress that was supposed to be ours. I have no idea who Victoria Justice is, but I’d stab her for this dress, and that’s probably the highest compliment I can give. You might say the shoes were an afterthought or a wild card or that they just plain don’t work, but I’m just so happy glad they’re not black, nude, or an obvious color in the dress, and that they’re not peep-toe pumps. It ain’t easy to avoid the overdone, and I actually think the color of the shoe is excellent. It’s the satin/velvetty look and the ankle-strap combined with the platform that I don’t agree with.
JESSICA ALBA // gown by Michael Kors, purse by Roger Vivier
Pretty disco-diva-glamorous, but other stars did the same trend with the volume turned up to eleven (Karolina Kurkova, to name one such diva). I do love the hair, the lipstick, and the dark bronze color of the gown. Everyone wore gold, but not this gold, and she fucking glows in it. The silhouette is simple and unremarkable (it is by Michael Kors, after all) and it might be a bit too long on her, but she’s radiant as can be.
MARION COTILLARD // gown and purse by Christian Dior
Oh, Marion, you wonderful, silly French thing. During the livestream, I thought this was a perfect look. But upon close inspection, I wish the opaque part of the dress came down a few more inches so we could avoid asking the “bush or black panties?” question. Aside from that flaw (I mean, really? No one noticed that before she hit the red carpet?), the gown is gorgeous and her shoes/purse combination is chic, but this look begs for more jewelry. Short hair and a strapless gown calls for a necklace and/or earrings – she just looks so naked above the shoulders, especially compared to the ombre beaded black and purple fabulousness hapening below. (I’ve said “ombre black and purple” at least three times in this post already. What a strangely specific trend for so many starlets to don on the same night! Perhaps it’s a reference to Prada or Schiaparelli that I just don’t know about, but regardless, I like it.)
SCARLETT JOHANSSON // gown by Dolce & Gabbana
It’s a lovely gown, but it’s awfully fussy and princessy for Scarlett. And with the beach hair and no visible styling other than a smear of red lipstick, she’s forcing the dress to do all the work. The intricate beading on the gown is exquisite, but the dingy color of that unreasonably large skirt is overdone and frankly, unattractive.
KIRSTEN DUNST // gown by Rodarte
I really can’t come to a conclusion on how I feel about this. Is it ridiculous that a barely thirty-year-old woman is wearing this matronly politician’s wife’s jacket with a full-length matching skirt? Yes. But it’s also so unlike anything anyone else wore, and so unlike anything you usually see on the red carpet, that I can’t help but admire it. However frumpy, the cut and silhouette of this look is beautiful and the color is simply fantastic. A weird, burnt orange that’s just a bit more interesting than the oranges donned by Ginnifer Goodwin (whom I’ll discuss in a moment) and Kristen Bell (whom I’ll get to in Part 4). And I like the styling. But I feel like I’m trying to talk myself into liking something just because it’s interesting, and it’s making me feel conflicted, dear readers. Voice your opinion in the comments to get me through this anxiety.
LIV TYLER // gown by Givenchy
Another beautiful woman looking fan-freaking-tastic in black Givenchy. I loved her Givenchy swan gown from last year’s Met Gala. This doesn’t quite meet that level of fucking awesomeness, but it’s still an excellent look for her. Gorgeous hair and makeup, subtle shoes that are sexy but don’t pull focus, and black nails and jewelry that just look downright cool. Most importantly, Liv Tyler seems to be the one woman in Hollywood who wears a slit that hits at exactly the right spot. Not vagina high, no inner thigh exposed, just a sliver of skin. It’s perfection.
GINNIFER GOODWIN // gown by Monique Lhuillier, shoes by Brian Atwood
The gown is delicious. The color is so eye-catching and the silhouette is mega-flattering. The satin bridesmaid shoes, however, are a mystery to me. Again, I respect that they’re out-of-the-box, but so are lot of shoes that are way more stylish and event-appropriate than these sad little things.
HILLARY SWANK // gown and purse by Michael Kors
She looked heavenly on the red carpet, but the twins could use a tad more support and the gown is unreasonably long. The styling is a little basic, but it did look very glamorous and elegant on the livestream.
EMMA STONE // dress and shoes by Lanvin
I swear, I loved this on the red carpet. The dress has 3,000 little plastic flowers on it and she looked beyond adorable; yet in pictures, it just doesn’t work. Emma Stone is 23 – she’s not too old to rock a dress like this. (Perhaps I’m just saying that because I, too, am 23, and would kill to wear this dress.) But all I could think was how much better this would look on Emma Watson – who’s only a year younger than Emma Stone. (Anyone else having March Fabness flashbacks?) So what is the problem? What makes this seem so awkwardly little girlish on Ms. Stone? The shoes are just too darn plain, I think. A strappy sandal, a metallic, a color, maybe even a print – anything but that simple black pump could have stopped this dress from screaming “LOOK HOW TWEE I AM!” (That’s has never been Emma Stone’s aesthetic – she’s not Michelle Williams, after all.) And the truly terrible hair is only making matters worse.
Emma Stone LOOOVES to wear Lanvin – at the 2012 Golden Globes, at a Glamour party, at the German premiere of The Help, and, of course, her amazing floral gown from last year’s Met Gala that I still dream about on a semi-regular basis. But you can see she usually opts for glam gowns rather than girly dresses – and based on this picture, she should probably stick to the former.
ASHLEY GREENE // gown by Donna Karan
Ashley, darling, that little droopy sleeve – it’s just killing me. As is that random strand of fabric hanging off the bottom of your skirt. But if you cut out those flaws, it’s a gorgeous gown (albeit a bridal gown). It just leaves me mystified as to why Donna Karan throws all her loveliest gowns at Ashley Greene, who brings absolutely nothing to them. She’s beautiful and she’s the only Twilight star who actually fucking smiles on the red carpet, but the limp hair, the ordinary clutch, and the lack of jewelry or any styling to speak of is egregious.
DIANNA AGRON // gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Judith Leiber
It’s the Met Gala, Dianna. That means perfecting the details is a must. So if you make the decision to wear a dress that wrinkles every time you move, you assume the risk that your dress will look like hell unless you have an assistant with a handheld steamer following you around the red carpet all night. And it’s a shame, too, because she’s so lovely in that emerald color. The dress is simple yet sophisticated, and so much less boring than what she usually defaults to. Disheveled and wrinkled appearance aside, I can’t support the green dress with the teal purse and blue cocktail ring. It just feels like she went accessory shopping with Princess Ariel. Don’t get me wrong, that sounds fucking awesome, but it doesn’t quite work here.
AMBER VALLETTA // gown by Prada
Ten points for wearing Prada. Negative fifty points for wearing this Prada, which just ain’t pretty and certainly doesn’t come close to fitting you. And another negative twenty for the all-around terrible styling.
JULIANNE HOUGH // gown by Carolina Herrera
Yes, Julianne, we see you! You have officially forced us to pay attention to you because you donned the Barbie-est gown in the room. You might think you’re free from mockery because hot pink is a Schiaparelli homage, but you are still indistinguishable from a Barbie doll. It’s a shame, because the two-tone bodice is very chic and kind of mod. But the 80s prom dress happening south of her thighs is terrifying. Anecdote time: I kid you not, I own a 1980s prom dress that I bought my first week of college for twenty bucks from a vintage store, and the bottom of it looks EXACTLY. LIKE. THIS. Same color, same mermaid ruffle, same satin fabric – ask my college roommates, they’ll corroborate my story. I actually had to hack off two feet of it with scissors because I’m so short I couldn’t walk in it. But I digress.
RACHEL ZOE // gown by Rachel Zoe
I like to consider myself above body-snarking – I find fashion-snarking much more fulfilling – but I can’t look at this picture without wondering whether this is Rachel Zoe or a skeleton in a wig and lipstick. And does her dress literally need to be falling off of her body like that, like she’s making the very obvious point that even the tiniest of sizes are too large for her? I’ll give her this much – the lipstick, matching the secondary color in the necklace, matching that little strip of color in the purse – that was a stroke of styling genius.
PAULA PATTON // gown by Vera Wang
How on EARTH could you wear a mauve satin Vera Wang gown and NOT expect to look like a bridesmaid? I mean, she had to have seen this coming. And the tacked-on train, the puckering seams – it looks like she fought off some vicious bitches at David’s Bridal to get her hands on this crappy gown.
RIHANNA // gown by Tom Ford, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I just read that Rihanna
did a lot of blow had the flu this weekend and was hospitalized after the Met Gala for alcohol poisoning/mouth herpes exhaustion/dehydration. So considering all that went down just a few hours after this photo was taken, she actually looks okay! And while the hair is stupid, if we’re grading on a scale of Rihanna’s ridiculously awful hairstyles, this one is pretty damn good in comparison. And the makeup is surprisingly chic. But the black snakeskin gown felt – I don’t know – kind of expected, if a woman covered in snakeskin can be expected. Between Rihanna’s wackiness and the Met Gala’s formal and frivolous expectations, you’d think something crazy was in order. This was a disappointment.
CHLOË SEVIGNY // dress, purse, and shoes by Miu Miu
Dear readers, I’m very, very worried about Ms. Sevigny’s safety. Anna Wintour herself declared this event black tie, and to defy Anna Wintour is the fashion industry equivalent of spitting in the face of God. Something tells me that the definition of black tie does not include a sheer bathmat over lingerie. I only pray that as she runs in terror down the streets of New York, chased out of the Met Gala forever by Anna’s overworked interns, she manages to lose those hideous shoes.