EMMA STONE vs. CHLOË MORETZ
EMMA STONE: dress by Giambattista Valli, shoes by Christian Louboutin // CHLOË MORETZ: leggings by Stella McCartney
Emma: They said redheads can’t wear red, redheads can’t wear pink. I’m wearing BOTH, so bow down, bitches.
Chloë: I’m fifteen and I can rock yellow-and-black lace leggings. Beat that.
EMMA STONE: dress, purse, and shoes by Alexander McQueen // CHLOË MORETZ: dress by Versace for H&M, shoes by Versace
Emma: Aw, ain’t you just the cutest! Acting-wise, I might have been totally overshadowed by my ridiculously epic The Help costars during awards season, but no one can compete with my wardrobe.
Chloë: At your old age, it’s a wonder you survived the exhaustion of awards season?
Chloë: Quack quack, bitch.
Chloë: I. Do. Not. Pout. This is just how my face looks, okay?!
Chloë: Who cleaned up Lindsay Lohan and put her in such a nice dress?
EMMA STONE: gown and shoes by Lanvin // CHLOË MORETZ: dress by Dolce & Gabbana
Emma: That was below the belt, kid. Any Lohan comparison is unnecessary. And besides, I’m actually a natural blonde, not a ginger!
Chloë: You might be a natural blonde, but that coked-out platinum color you chose was not going to work for you.
Emma: FINE. Get out of my way while I rule the red carpet.
Chloë: Not without one last pout. I mean, um, pose. I don’t pout. I swear.
TAYLOR SWIFT vs. LEA MICHELE
TAYLOR SWIFT: dress by Tibi // LEA MICHELE: dress by Emilio Pucci, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Taylor: Howdy, world! I am
22-year-old 15-year-old pop country star who slept with John Mayer who is totally virginal, y’all! That’s what I’m supposed to say, right? Is it time for my fake surprised face yet?
Lea: I’m Lea Michele, but you probably know me better from the fact that my sternum is exposed and my skirt is short enough that I don’t have to change outfits before my gyno appontment!
TAYLOR SWIFT: dress by Emilio Pucci // LEA MICHELE: dress by Versace
Taylor: I have an excuse for short skirts, which I deploy strategically and rarely – I’m fucking 5’11! This hemline is where things fall on me! You’re 5’2, you probably cut that slit higher than it already was to flash some tiny thigh on purpose.
Lea: Wait, are you not supposed to tailor your garments so that they nearly expose your genitalia?
Lea: This flapper dress weighs more than I do. It could take you down in a fight if it comes to that, Swifty.
Lea: Snooze. How will people know you’re a celebrity if you don’t make sure every gown shows off your thighs?
Lea: Fine, but if I can’t have a vag-high slit, I need to show my sternum. Otherwise I might spontaneously combust.
Lea: What? I can’t hear you over the gasps in the crowd as the wind blows and exposes my hoo-ha.
Lea: Keep your lace and frills – I’ll do just fine in red.
DITA VON TEESE vs. EVAN RACHEL WOOD
DITA VON TEESE: dress by Alexis Mabille // EVAN RACHEL WOOD: dress by Preen, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Dita: Well, this is awkward. Let’s just say it – we’ve both had sex with Marilyn Manson. And no matter how vintage and demure we look… that will never stop being true.
Evan: Truth. Although I had the good sense to end things before the wedding actually happened. Love your purse, by the way.
Evan: It’s all yours, dear. I’m thrilled to be in the 1920s with my fringed flapper dress and fingercurled bob.
DITA VON TEESE: gown by Hervé L. Leroux, purse by Christian Louboutin // EVAN RACHEL WOOD: gown by Alessandra Rich, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Dita: Well, that was fun. But let’s just focus on the real stars of this round: my tits.
Evan: They are… there, all right. But look how handy these pockets are, for pulling my dress apart to flash some thigh to the cameras!
Evan: I won’t dignify that with a response. I will simply flash some more thigh through my sheer skirt.
DITA VON TEESE: gown by Jean Paul Gaultier // EVAN RACHEL WOOD: gown by Alessandra Rich, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Dita: Let’s battle in our most dramatic black gowns, then, and see who’s the victor.
Evan: You’re wearing a cape and I’m giving Angelina Jolie leg. No contest.
DITA VON TEESE: gown by Jenny Packham // EVAN RACHEL WOOD: gown by Elie Saab, purse by Judith Leiber
Dita: Well, this gown has everything: Diamonds, drama, some inner side boob – what more could a girl want?
Evan: Black glitter.
DITA VON TEESE: gown by Alexis Mabille // EVAN RACHEL WOOD: gown by Gucci, purse by Judith Leiber
Dita: It’s been lovely knowing you, Evan. But I’m shutting this thing down with black velvet and pink cascading florals.
Evan: Three words: Green. Ombre. Feathers. And like a drag queen does with her wig at the end of the show, I am PULLING. IT. OFF.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY vs. EMMA ROBERTS
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: dress by MaxMara, shoes by Sergio Rossi // EMMA ROBERTS: dress by Chanel
Rosie: Here’s my story: I’m a Victoria’s Secret model-turned-Transformers-star, and I get to sleep with Jason Statham.
Emma: I’m Julia Roberts’s niece! Look how cute my smile is!
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: gown by Antonio Berardi, purse by Jimmy Choo // EMMA ROBERTS: dress by Marchesa, shoes by Brian Atwood
Emma: I’m in gray leopard print Marchesa, honey. I’m here to win.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: gown by Michael Kors // EMMA ROBERTS: dress by Temperley London
Emma: Um, I can’t. I’d rather dress like a wedding cake.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: gown by Burberry, shoes by Christian Louboutin // EMMA ROBERTS: dress by Elie Saab
Rosie: Oh, you’re still here? Fine. Here’s the double-whammy of a high slit and a plunging neckline! Deal with my sex appeal!
Emma: Lolz, I’m good. Actually, my Elie Saab dress is pretty fucking adorable.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: gown by Antonio Berardi // EMMA ROBERTS: gown by Tibi
Emma: Listen, honey, if I wanted sparkle all over my body, I’d return Robert Pattinson’s phone calls, okay?
Emma: Bring it! I’ve got trendy cut-outs to defend me!
Emma: Never underestimate the power of a teensy waist, a well-placed cut-out, and Julia Roberts’s smile.