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LADY GAGA vs. HAILEE STEINFELD
LADY GAGA: jacket and pants by Versace // HAILEE STEINFELD: dress by Louis Vuitton, shoes by Roger Vivier
Gaga: I’m Lady fucking Gaga, dammit. If I want seafoam green hair, comic-strip leggings, and twelve-inch gold studded platforms, who are you to stop me, little girl?
Hailee: Well, Mother Monster, I’m a bit too afraid of you to even try and talk you out of those leggings. So I’ll just quietly counter with an adorably cartoonish look of my own, from my red graphic dress to my shiny platform loafers.
LADY GAGA: top and skirt by Yves Saint Laurent, shoes by Christian Louboutin // HAILEE STEINFELD: dress by Versace
Gaga: Please, darlings. No pictures. Cobblestone and stilettos are a dangerous combination, and if you make me trip and tear my Barbie-Takes-London YSL top/skirt, I may have to murder you with my bare hands.
Hailee: Snap away, paparazzi! My day-glo accessories will protect me from the bright flashes of your cameras! You cannot compete with my neon pumps/clutch combo!
LADY GAGA: dress by Versace, shoes by Christian Louboutin // HAILEE STEINFELD: suit by Louis Vuitton
Gaga: Just call me Donatella, darlings. And don’t dare tell me I never wore anything “normal” for you bitches. It ain’t all meat dresses and eggs up in here.
Hailee: But I’m a tween in a menswear-inspired ensemble with a sequined lapel! And my clutch is blue-green and glittery and striped and awesome! So I win.
LADY GAGA: blouse and skirt by Versace // HAILEE STEINFELD: dress, purse, and shoes by Chanel
Gaga: Bleep bloop bleep. I am Alien Gaga, and I have stolen Johnny Depp’s “Willy Wonka” look to intimidate you mere mortals. Notice that even my leather gloves have had a manicure. That’s called being a DIVA.
Hailee: Alien Gaga scares me. I’m donning these extra-large sleeves just so I have something to hide in when she comes at me with those terrifying round glasses and that blue bowl-cut bob.
Hailee: Well, I can’t. Because your hat is a flower. But at least I’m secure in how adorable Miu Miu dress and matching nude accessories are.
Hailee: Clearly, Gaga. But I am opting for “it’s my first Paris Fashion Week but I look like I’ve been attending these shows for years even though I’m still not old enough to drive.”
LADY GAGA: dress by Stephane Rolland, shoes by Brian Atwood // HAILEE STEINFELD: dress by Stella McCartney
Gaga: Dress-up time means a fabulous updo, a dress that comes with a superhero cape, and diamonds. Lots of diamonds.
Hailee: Less is more, Gaga. Case in point: ME.
EMMY ROSSUM vs. CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE
EMMY ROSSUM: suit by Hugo Boss, purse and shoes by Rachel Zoe // DUCHESS CATHERINE: dress by Erdem
Emmy: Eggplant, ladies. An eggplant suit and stunning platforms to match? That’s all a girl really needs.
Duchess Kate: Suits! How adorably pedestrian. Princesses don’t wear suits, darling. We wear perfect navy blue lace dresses and subtle nude accessories, so we can ensure that we look astoundingly beautiful without seeming like we’re trying too hard.
EMMY ROSSUM: dress by Carolina Herrera, shoes by Christian Louboutin // DUCHESS CATHERINE: coat by Alexander McQueen
Emmy: Princess, you can take your royalty-approved wardrobe and stuff it. I get to mix prints! And show my toes!
Duchess Kate: Um, have you SEEN my military McQueen coat?
Duchess Kate: You may not be royalty, but you’re a royal pain in my arse.
EMMY ROSSUM: dress by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Louis Vuitton // DUCHESS CATHERINE: gown by Jenny Packham
Emmy: Touché, Princess. But feel my wrath in my optical illusion-y printed dress! What color do you think this is, Kate – ROYAL blue?
Duchess Kate: No, darling. It’s much more bourgeois blue, don’t you think?
Duchess Kate: How quaint. It’s good to have aspirations, isn’t it?
EMMY ROSSUM: dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin// DUCHESS CATHERINE: gown by Alice by Temperley
Emmy: How’s this for quaint? And can you stop doing that cool British thing where you kind of insult me but phrase it like a question that I’m supposed to rhetorically agree with?
Duchess Kate: Shut up and let me pose.
EMMY ROSSUM: dress, purse, and shoes by Ralph Lauren// DUCHESS CATHERINE: gown by Jenny Packham
Emmy: Your hair may shine like it was spun from the threads of the gods, but I can rock the 1920s flapper thing like nobody’s business.
Duchess Kate: Sorry, what? I can’t hear you over the sound of jaws hitting the floor over how good I look.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER vs. DIANNA AGRON
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: dress by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Charlotte Olympia // DIANNA AGRON: dress by Mary Katrantzou, shoes by Rodarte for Opening Ceremony
SJP: Carrie Bradshaw is so excited to be here in mixed florals and colorblocking and bedazzled platforms!
Dianna: Quinn Fabray is moderately excited to dress like a hipster because Nylon is paying her to do so!
Dianna: You’re old and weird. Look how cute my shoes are!
Dianna: But I have a wavy bob and a peplum skirt! There’s nothing trendier!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: dress by Jonathan Saunders, coat by Alberta Ferretti, shoes by Manolo Blahnik // DIANNA AGRON: vintage dress, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
SJP: I own a metallic labcoat. I wear it with pearls.
Dianna: That thing should be in a museum. I’m lovelier in vintage than you could ever hope to be!
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: dress by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Pierre Hardy // DIANNA AGRON: dress by Christian Cota, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Camilla Skovgaard
SJP: Don’t even try and compete with purple metallic ombre that’s kind of paint-splattery but in a good way. Also, your vagina is showing.
Dianna: Go have sex with Ferris Bueller and leave me alone.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: gown by Oscar de la Renta, jacket by Theyskens’ Theory, purse by VBH, shoes by Manolo Blahnik // DIANNA AGRON: gown by Carolina Herrera
SJP: Pink gowns aren’t just for the young, you know!
Dianna: … But maybe they should be.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: gown by Alexander McQueen // DIANNA AGRON: gown by Giles Deacon
SJP: Listen, Gleek, don’t think you can defeat me when it comes to dramatic formalwear. Feel the wrath of my McQueen!
Dianna: My dress features laser-cut swans. I win.
EMMA WATSON vs. MICHELLE WILLIAMS
EMMA WATSON: dress by McQ, shoes by Christian Louboutin // MICHELLE WILLIAMS: suit by Louis Vuitton, purse by Olympia Le-Tan, shoes by Fendi
Emma: Oh, hi, Michelle! Didn’t I have an adorable little role in your Marilyn movie?
Michelle: Oh, yes! You played the cunning little witch who worked her magic on my dress robes, didn’t you?
EMMA WATSON: top and skirt by Jason Wu, purse by Charlotte Olympia, shoes by Jimmy Choo // MICHELLE WILLIAMS: dress by Erdem, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Emma: Wait – what? I wasn’t a witch in the Marilyn movie. I just worked on your costumes and then you stole my boyfriend.
Michelle: No, no, Hermione! Your boyfriend is a freckled ginger!
Michelle: Wait, really? Then how did your character expect to compete with Marilyn fucking Monroe?
EMMA WATSON: dress by Elie Saab // MICHELLE WILLIAMS: gown by Valentino, purse by Lanvin, shoes by Roger Vivier
Emma: Well, I didn’t, I suppose. Luckily, I CAN compete with Michelle Williams. And win. Clearly.
Michelle: No, I don’t think so, darling. Do you really want to take me on in a fashion battle?
EMMA WATSON: dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin // MICHELLE WILLIAMS: gown by Jason Wu, purse by Judith Leiber
Emma: Perhaps you haven’t heard, but I am the March Fabness 2011 Champion. You were defeated in the first round last year!
Michelle: That was before I was Marilyn.
Michelle: Whatever. She would have had a pixie haircut eventually.
Michelle: Cheers to that, Hermione.