jacket and pants by Balmain, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Dear starlets of the music industry: THIS is how you dress for the AMAs. Nothing too formal or fussy, but that doesn’t mean you need to look like you’re wearing the same trashbag-looking micro-mini as every other douche on the red carpet. Gwen’s style can sometimes feel a little stale, but there’s nothing cheap or tacky about this fucking stunning Balmain jacket/leather pants combo. It’s sexy, not vulgar, and although I’m overall a bit tired of the bleached-blonde layers and drag queen makeup, it’s pretty damn perfect for this look.
dress by Stella McCartney, purse by Kotur, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I’d have nixed the matchy-matchy purse, but Kerry’s yellow dress is the absolute perfect color for her. The dress itself isn’t awesome, but compared to the veritable minefield of crap on this red carpet, she hit it out of the park. Love the coral shoes, but the lipstick shade is a little off.
dress by Naeem Khan
Glitzy and glamorous and chic, if a little on the expected side. But it’s an awesome cocktail dress that any gal would be lucky to have. A pop of color or contrast somewhere would have gone a long way, though.
gown by Abed Mahfouz, purse by Jill Milan
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anything Carrie wears when she’s trying to make black roots with white-blonde highlights happen, and those earrings are so distracting I can’t stand it. The color of the dress is heavenly, absolutely beautiful, but there’s basically nothing else I like about this look, which is totally over the top for the event. If you’re going to be overdressed, at least be fabulously overdressed, for God’s sake.
dress by Collette Dinnigan, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Cute shirt, Stacy, but I think you may have forgotten to wear bottoms. Also: your hair looks awful and those shoes have nothing to do with the rest of the look.
dress by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Jimmy Choo
How many times can I have the same conversation with you, Taylor? I was sick and tired of these little gold dresses after the first thousand times she wore them; at this point, I don’t even know what to do. But let me remind you, Taylor, that when magazine editors and stylists are in control, you can actually look mega-chic. So please, PLEASE, stop wearing this boring shit that’s made for red carpet newbies who don’t have anything more interesting to wear. We’re so beyond that.
dress by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Ginnifer, darling, I hate to break this to you, but somebody needs to say it: you’re not the Twiggy of the 21st century, no matter how many fake eyelashes you put on your bottom lids. (By the way, those lashes look hideous, but at least they make the awful lipstick look a little better by comparison.) You’re also not Barbie’s tween sister Skipper, so stop fucking dressing like it.
gown by Monique Lhuillier
I know you think you are the coolest, most fascinating person alive, Nicki. But you stole your gown from Julie Bowen’s closet after she wore it to the Emmys. Taking your wardrobe cues from the mom on Modern Family basically proves to the world how incredibly fucking lame you really are.
gown by Catherine Deane, shoes by Brian Atwood
Here’s another pop star who thinks she’s so original and so fascinating but hasn’t worn anything memorable since her hair was still actually pink. And speaking of her hair, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING ON TOP OF HER HEAD?!
CARLY RAE JEPSEN
gown by Gomez-Gracia, purse by Edie Parker
She’s only got about ten seconds left to her fifteen minutes of fame, so I suppose she ought to wear all the pink sparkles she can now, before it’s too late. But that halter top is fitted so terribly, it throws off the whole look, and it’s incredibly unflattering. The purse is out of left field, and not in a good way, and the hair isn’t much better.
gown by Edition by Georges Chakra, purse by Jimmy Choo
Three words, dear readers: FIT. IS. EVERYTHING. That length is a nightmare, and the looseness around the bodice and waist isn’t helping.
dress by Alexandre Vauthier, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Seriously? Seriously, with all these hideous lacy-shiny-illusion-netting micro-minis? And the matching gold shoes might be the tackiest thing I’ve seen since – well, since the last time Heidi Klum was on the red carpet.
dress by Giorgio Armani, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
I’m running out of ways to say “THIS IS FUCKING BORING,” dear readers. I suppose I should have expected that from the AMAs and used a thesaurus accordingly, but Hayden’s bringing the dull and expected to a whole new level.
gown by Abed Mahfouz
Did you get lost on the way to an old Hollywood celebrity’s black tie funeral, Jennifer? What other explanation could there possibly be for this outfit?
gown by Pamella Roland, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Listen, dude, I hate to break this to you, but you are a really terrible Christina Aguilera drag queen impersonator. This doesn’t even look like her!
dress by Elizabeth and James
I’ll give this a very long, very pronounced eye roll and move on, because this half-assed look so does not deserve another moment of my time.
gown by Etro
Honestly, I’ve seen a lot of terrible looks, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dress as ugly as this one. You have to really try to make something this hideous. I’d be impressed, if I weren’t already halfway to the bathroom to throw up.
bracelet by Dana Rebecca, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
Oh, so you’ve figured out that no one can take you seriously when you wear half a trash bag with half of a flea market taped to it? Good for you, dear. But what you might not know yet is that whether you dress like a WASPy stripper or a movie star, this Diva will never, EVER take your tacky ass seriously.