It’s the freakin’ weekend, dear readers. Celebrate it in style, with a brand-new bracket and a healthy dose of judgment.
JULIANNE MOORE vs. SARAH PAULSON
Julianne: Well… you look different.
Sarah: Come again?
Julianne: Where are you hiding it?
Sarah: Hiding what?
Julianne: Don’t be coy.
Sarah: Uh, I’m not. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.
Julianne: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HEAD?
Sarah: … I made it disappear. You know, with my witch powers.
NINA DOBREV vs. CAMILLA BELLE
Nina: Wait, who the hell are you again?
Camilla: I might ask you the same thing.
Nina: Hello?! Vampire Diaries? Ever heard of it?
Camilla: Ooooh, wow. Really impressive stuff. I’m sure it takes a lot of talent to be on a CW show about vampires.
Nina: That’s not fair!
Camilla: Life isn’t fair, honey. You should know. Didn’t Degrassi have a “very special episode” about that?
Nina: I’m sorry, but I refuse to be judged on my career choices by the woman who played Baby in a fake trailer for Dirty Dancing 3: Capoeira Nights.
Camilla: Whatever. That was totally worth the twenty bucks they paid me for the gig.
CATE BLANCHETT vs. FREIDA PINTO
Cate: You should probably just leave now and save yourself some time.
Freida: Excuse me?
Cate: Darling, I’m just trying to be considerate.
Freida: Yes, I’m sure you are.
Cate: It’s a waste of time for you to even attempt to challenge me in any sort of battle, fashion or otherwise.
Freida: Really? And why is that?
Cate: Well, because I’m an alien, sent down to earth to teach you mere mortals the meaning of true fabness. Duh.
Freida: Oh. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that?
REESE WITHERSPOON vs. DITA VON TEESE
Reese: So, how ’bout this weather?
Dita: OH MY GOD IT’S ELLE WOODS.
Reese: Haha, you’re sweet. So, what’s it like being a burlesque star?
Dita: YOU’RE ELLE WOODS AND YOU’RE WEARING PINK AND I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT.
Reese: Um, okay. Can we talk about literally anything besides Legally Blonde?
Dita: NO! If I got into Harvard Law, I would never shut the fuck up about it! Just give me ONE LINE from the movie. Any line. I beg you.
Reese: Ugh, fine. Don’t a-stomp your little last-season Prada shoes at me, honey!
Dita: *faints from excitement*