Welcome back to the Cannes party scene.
ELLE FANNING at the Prada dinner
dress by Prada
Photo: Jacopo Raule/Getty
It is positively unjust that a nineteen-year-old gets to wear all my dream accessories at the same time. I am a grown-ass woman! Where the hell is my geometric Prada belt?!
JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Kering Women in Motion Awards
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Photo: PJB/Sipa/Rex/Shutterstock
Business chic in a killer color.
JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Vanity Fair/Chanel dinner
dress and belt by Chanel, shoes by Malone Souliers
Photo: Getty
The print is lovely and the shoes are a blast, but that thick belt is giving me 2007 flashbacks in a bad way.
JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Vanity Fair/HBO dinner
gown by Ralph Lauren
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
It’s fine, but if she weren’t wearing that necklace, I’d be more interested in the floral arrangements than in the celebrity in front of them.
JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Prada dinner
Photo: Jacopo Raule/Getty
That’s definitely not the right shade of lipstick for this dress, and it may be the wrong shade for Jessica’s coloring altogether.
JULIANNE MOORE at the Vanity Fair/HBO dinner
gown by Chanel, jewelry by Chopard
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
The proportions are a little off – she appears to be about four feet tall with the shoulders of a linebacker – but at least this is fun as hell.
ISABELLE HUPPERT at the Kering Women in Motion Awards
gown by Saint Laurent
Photo: James McCauley/ Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
Nothing better than when the over 60 crowd slays the red carpet. Never stop, Isabelle.
MING XI at the Fashion for Relief event
gown by Mugler
Photo: Antony Jones
Digging the strappy gown, and loving that she paired it with those odd broken-strap shoes. A genius styling move that kept this look from feeling dull.
UMA THURMAN at the Kering Women in Motion Awards
gown by Atelier Versace
Photo: James McCauley/ Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
Great fit, here for the fringe. Love the vintage Hollywod hair.
KENDALL JENNER at the Vanity Fair/HBO dinner
dress by Ronald van der Kemp
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
Okay, her skirt may have recently been in an explosion, but those earrings are FUCKING AWESOME.
SARA SAMPAIO at the Fashion for Relief event
gown by Balmain, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Photo: Matt Baron/BEI/Shutterstock
It’s not the first time I’ve seen this dress on the red carpet, and because models all worship at the altar of Balmain, I’m sure it won’t be the last. But it’s a relatively-more-interesting take on Balmain’s embellished graphic gowns, so I’ll take what I can get.
MARION COTILLARD at the 70th anniversary dinner
jacket by Ulyana Sergeenko
Photo: Getty
I’m all for a bit of shoulderpad when the occasion calls for it, but this is absolutely ridiculous.
JOURDAN DUNN at the Fashion for Relief event
jumpsuit by Jonathan Simkhai, shoes by Aquazzura
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
This looks like it weighs seventy pounds, and I have no idea how she pees.
ROBIN WRIGHT at the Kering Talks: Women in Motion panel
suit by Stella McCartney
Photo: Splash News
Bitch, you think I can’t tell your jacket and pants are two different shades of black? Try harder.
LILY COLLINS at the Vanity Fair/HBO dinner
gown by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
Put this in the folder with the rest of the sheer-gowns-with-giant-hideous-underwear looks we’ve seen at Cannes this year, and then set that folder on fire.
NATASHA POLY at the Fashion for Relief event
dress by Ulyana Sergeenko, shoes by Santoni
Photo: Antony Jones
“Basic dress; killer necklace that might actually be too good for said dress” seems to be a theme this year as well.
MONICA BELLUCCI at the 70th anniversary dinner
gown and purse by Gucci
Photo: Getty
Monica. Honey. Are you okay? What am I even looking at?
JULIETTE BINOCHE at the Kering Women in Motion Awards
gown by Gucci
Photo: James McCauley/ Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
… is there a UFO nestled beneath her breasts?
GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE at the Vanity Fair/Chanel dinner
dress by Fendi
Photo: Getty
Are you a blanket in the 70s? No? Then what the fuck are you doing in this print, Gwendoline?
EVA LONGORIA at the Vanity Fair/HBO dinner
gown by Kaufmanfranco
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
She is exhaustingly unoriginal.
EVA LONGORIA at the L’Oreal 20th birthday gala
gown by Balmain
Photo: Mike Marsland/WireImage
This is one of the worst uses of illusion netting in red carpet history, and that’s saying something. That shit has a long and storied history of fashion disasters.
KATE MOSS at the Fashion for Relief event
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
Is that capelet tied to her dress with an umbilical cord? Who would think of such a thing? And is Kate truly so loathed by her stylists that no one bothered to mention that the string climbing out of her boobs is like supremely unsettling?
SALMA HAYEK at the Kering Talks: Women in Motion panel
dress by Gucci
Photo: James McCauley/ Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
It’s like the world’s frumpiest secretary costume.
SALMA HAYEK at the Vanity Fair/HBO dinner
gown by Saint Laurent, collar by Boucheron
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
Nothing about this works.
SALMA HAYEK at the Kering Women in Motion Awards
gown by Gucci
Photo: James McCauley/ Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
GOD HELP US ALL.
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Need more Cannes? Everybody does.
The Democracy Diva 
Salma Hayek has obviously lost all access to mirrors. And what… what… what even with Kate Moss’s gown? That is a HORRIBLE design element. One of the worst I’ve ever seen.