Get your memorial day realness on, bitches!
ELLE FANNING at the How to Talk to Girls at Parties premiere
gown by Gucci
It’s official: Elle Fanning OWNS Cannes. Everywhere the light touches in the south of France is her domain. They’re actually considering renaming the film festival the Elle Fanning Festival for Woodland Nymph Ball Gowns and General Gorgeousness, but it’s harder to squeeze into a hashtag. And can we talk about the most graceful deployment of sideboob in red carpet history?
That shit is held together with double-sided tape and a prayer, and she looks amazing. AND she’s hugging my hero, John Cameron Mitchell (of Hedwig and the Angry Inch fame), so I’m all-around thrilled.
AISHWARYA RAI BACHCHAN at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
gown by Ralph & Russo
It’s more than okay to opt for a traditional ball gown at Cannes, as long as you turn the volume up to 11. Aishwarya may have turned it up to 13. This is exceptionally beautiful.
ARAYA A. HARGATE at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
gown by Zuhair Murad
Araya Hargate is super pregnant and hitting every Cannes event in something worth talking about. For that, I worship her. (And if this giant skirt can hide a 3rd trimester belly, it can definitely disguise my sins. I’d like one in every color, please.)
ARAYA A. HARGATE at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Alexis Mabille, jewelry by Chopard
Weird and wonderful, if slightly curtains-in-a-vampire’s-lair-esque. The necklace is stunning, but might have paired better with a different dress.
KRISTEN STEWART at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
dress by Chanel
I’m here for Kristen Stewart breaking red carpet rules while still giving me something notable to look at. She’s one of the only women alive who can pull off this dress, but she pulls it off magnificently. I’d have added earrings, but I’ll take what I can get.
SARA SAMPAIO at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
jumpsuit by Armani Privé
The white pumps make me twitch, but otherwise, this is BADASS. I want a jumpsuit with a ruffle so high that I can literally hide behind it and make judgmental faces at everyone.
OLGA KURYLENKO at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Elie Saab
If I weren’t exhausted with the giant-undies-under-sheer-gowns trend (and it is EVERYWHERE at Cannes), this would have been top three. It’s a truly magnificent dress, but ugh, that trend is SO tiring.
CLOTILDE COURAU at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Georges Hobeika
She’s pushing fifty and showing that much arm and clavicle skin, and I am HERE. FOR. IT. She’s exceptionally gorgeous in this gown, and the earrings are to die for.
PAZ VEGA at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
gown by Armani Privé
Like everyone who has ever worn a dress with pockets, I LOVE A DRESS WITH POCKETS. The giant square shape of them is a little distracting, and maybe not perfect with that neckline, but those are small complaints for an overall great look.
GRETA GERWIG at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Rodarte, jewelry by Monique Péan
It’s not my taste, but she’s exactly the right woman for this strange Rodarte confection. Without that one black seam where the ruffles attach to the gown, I might actually have loved this.
SONAM KAPOOR at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Kalyan
It’s like the fifth time I’ve seen this dress this week, so I can’t really give this the love it would otherwise deserve.
COCO ROCHA at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Georges Hobeika, jewelry by Boucheron
Coco Rocha can make anything look great, but I’m still having trouble with the Pepto Bismol color and the truly obscene amount of ruffles.
ARIZONA MUSE at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
gown by Ralph & Russo, necklace by Chopard
A killer gown, killed by terrible styling. The necklace is gorgeous, but doesn’t work here. And the natural-looking hair and makeup are too casual for this much dress. Do I even need to talk about the dreaded white pumps?
BARBARA MEIER at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Alexis Mabille
I’d have liked this if it came even close to fitting her. But the off-shoulder poofs stick out way too far from her body, and the pool of fabric at her feet just makes me sad.
ANDIE MACDOWELL at the Killing of a Sacred Deer screening
gown by Roberto Cavalli
I just re-watched Magic Mike XXL, so I’m on Team Andie, but again, I can only see the same gown so many times in one week without losing it. Also, that purse has been on every red carpet for the last six years. It might be time to retire it.
ANDIE MACDOWELL at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Roberto Cavalli, earrings by Chopard, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
I have a soft sport for this look because I owned a Betsey Johnson cocktail dress that looked like the little sister version of this gown. (My giant purple sash went around the waist instead of over the shoulder, and it was fierce.)
MARY J. BLIGE at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Reem Acra
Come on, Mary. You wear this dress to everything. Give me something new to work with.
NICOLE KIDMAN at the How to Talk to Girls at Parties premiere
dress by Rodarte
I’m too tired to pretend this isn’t stupid.
ANJA RUBIK at the Killing of a Sacred Deer premiere
dress by Saint Laurent
I’d love this on a runway, but with actual humans around her, it’s hard to ignore that it looks like a kindergartener made this dress. (Sorry, Saint Laurent.)
MOLLY SIMS at the The Meyerowitz Stories premiere
gown by Monique Lhuillier, purse by Kate Spade, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
The feathers and fringe attacking this dress weren’t enough? She had to ALSO have a feathered purse? And what are those shoes even doing here? How did they find their way to a look that has virtually nothing to do with them?
ELISABETH MOSS at the The Square premiere
gown by Oscar de la Renta
Oscar’s signature isn’t enough to make this anything but boring.
ELIZABETH OLSEN at the Wind River premiere
gown by Miu Miu
We found it, dear readers. Behold: the world’s ugliest neckline!
IRINA SHAYK at the Hikari (Radiance) premiere
gown by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
It’s not 2003. Try harder.
BÉRÉNICE BEJO at the Redoubtable premiere
gown by Alexis Mabille
This is mind-numblingly boring.
KENDALL JENNER at the 120 Beats Per Minute premiere
gown by Giambattista Valli, jewelry by Chopard
It’s not so much that I hate this dress, though I do. It’s more that I had to scroll through 500 pictures of Kendall Jenner before finding one where I could actually see the whole skirt in one frame without her readjusting it. And nobody should ever have to look through that many photos of Kendall Jenner. She’s obviously pretty, but how she became a model when she is SO BAD AT POSING is beyond me.
More Cannes awaits your judgment here.
Respond to Cannes 2017: Film Premiere Fabness, Part 2