Welcome back to the party.
Best Dressed: ADAM RIPPON
tuxedo by Jeremy Scott for Moschino
Name a more iconic duo than Adam Rippon and his high-fashion harness. As a cishet woman, I’m not qualified to talk about how groundbreaking this stunning look is, worn by the first openly gay athlete to compete for the U.S. in the Winter Olympics. So I’ll defer to the experts:
The political importance of @Adaripp is that he never gives anyone the safety of just enjoying his beauty or artistry without being reminded he has sex with men in the butt. Bitch has rejected the situational closet, and he is a hero.
— Guy Branum (@guybranum) March 4, 2018
Runner-Up: TARAJI P. HENSON
gown by Vera Wang, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Taraji served sex on a platter. Even this photo – in which she looks fucking incredible – can’t do justice to how much fabulosity she oozed out of my TV screen. (Is that gross? It sounds gross.) If you tried to explain to me the concept of a cape-sleeve that is not actually attached to any part of the dress – basically, an armband with its own train – I would say, go home, you’re drunk. But somehow, she makes it fashion.
Honorable Mention: NICOLE KIDMAN
gown by Armani Privé, jewelry by Harry Winston, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I came close to hating this giant fucking bow, but finally landed on loving it. I’d love to see her try something new with her hair for a change, but I’d also like to magically erase my student loan debt. I think we all know which of those is more likely.
DEE REES and SARAH M. BROOM
Ms. Rees, director of Mudbound, looked absolutely flawless in her white tails and incredible high-heeled oxfords. And her wife Sarah, with those shoulderpads? Total power couple.
gown by Giambattista Valli, jewelry by Bulgari
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we need more brown formalwear on the red carpet. Nobody wears it, and it looks fucking awesome. Exhibit A: Zendaya, looking like she’s bathing in melted chocolate and loving her life.
gown by Tony Ward
I’m always particularly impressed when a less-famous actress really nails it at such a high-profile event. Nobody is offering Betty Gabriel from Get Out the kind of free Dior couture that Jennifer Lawrence can score for walking two blocks to the post office. So major props to Betty, for working this beautiful dress. The color, the embellishments, the neckline, the cap sleeves – this is truly lovely.
gown by Balmain, jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
80 is the new 30, and nobody lives that truth harder than Jane Fonda.
gown by Giambattista Valli, jewelry by Chopard
It’s a classic Oscars look for a reason. Lose the matching shoes, and I’m sold.
tuxedo and shoes by Berluti
The boots are ridiculous, but he’s slaying in that tux.
gown by Louis Vuitton, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Another one who can’t give up on the stick-straight, center-parted hair. Live a little, Sandy! Team up with Nicole Kidman for a Practical Magic sequel and get a two-for-one deal on a new hairstyle.
CHELSEA PERETTI and JORDAN PEELE
Chelsea’s jewelry by Le Vian
Jordan’s tuxedo by Calvin Klein, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I love the both of them. The draping on that velvet gown is just beautiful.
KELLY MARIE TRAN
gown by Jenny Packham, jewelry by Chopard
The skirt is gorgeous, but the top feels a little bit tacky and a lot bit dated.
89-year-old James Ivory, who won the screenwriting Oscar for Call Me By Your Name, wore Timothée Chalamet’s face on his shirt. Honestly, y’all are lucky I didn’t put him in the best dressed spot, because this is possibly my favorite thing in the universe.
gown by Christian Siriano
It sucks that Roseanne Barr is such a garbage human, because I would so love to watch the Roseanne reboot exclusively for Laurie Metcalf being back on my television. Alas, I will just have to settle for talking about Laurie’s Oscars fashion (not bad!) and finally seeing Lady Bird.
gown and purse by Gucci, jewelry by Harry Winston
Points for originality, but this is straight-up ugly, no?
gown by Romona Keveza
Pretty but underwhelming, though it’s a joy to have Mira back in the spotlight.
gown by Christian Dior
This is grass. She’s wearing grass. And that’s not even the thing I hate MOST about this. What is that stripe going up her neck? Why would anyone do such a thing? What the fuck am I even looking at?
gown by Armani Privé
Eyeroll-inducing for its sheer banality.
gown by Christian Siriano, purse by Prada
Absolutely not. The dress could have MAYBE worked – without the train, at least – but the styling is terrible, and that necklace is a crime.
Worst Dressed: EMMA STONE
jacket, pants, and jewelry by Louis Vuitton
Is this the ugliest thing on the red carpet? Not by a long shot. But it might be the most disappointing. Everyone knows I love a good ladypant, but this is not a good ladypant. It’s a lazy ladypant. A lazypant, if you will.
I’m sorry I put you through that terrible wordplay, dear readers. Blame Emma. She made “not putting in any effort at all” trendy again.