Everyone in Hollywood is a magical fertility goddess.
Welcome back to the red carpet, dear readers.
It’s Oscar’s Day, everybody! Let’s recap the fashion at the Independent Spirit Awards and get ready for Hollywood’s prom tonight!
I hope you’ve had your Sunday afternoon coffee, because we’ve got a LOT of fabulous and even more fugly to get through. Fashion’s most glamorous red carpet event, the Met Gala, was this week, so let’s dive in.
Bitches We Hate in Gowns We Love
Let me preface this by saying: I hate Jennifer Lopez. She’s a decent dancer, an unimpressive singer, and a completely untalented actress, and yet somehow, her name is still occasionally used in the same sentence as “triple threat.” I don’t even think she qualifies as a single threat. I hate almost everything she wears, I think her Peter Pan syndrome and shameless fame-whoring are almost as bad as Mariah Carey’s, and I’m like 80% sure her husband is gay.
Regardless, I think she looks absolutely perfect here. Dramatic and flawless hair and makeup. The gown is near-perfect – I could do without the jewels decorating the bust line, but the color and fit are divine. So, J.Lo, I guess you’re still allowed to exist, much as I loathe you, because at least you know how to wear couture when it counts.
Ladies We Love in Outfits We Loathe
Tina Fey is, above all else, a writer. She may be a hugely successful, hilariously funny and beautiful actress and producer, but when she shows up on the red carpet wearing something this disastrous, I feel the need to remind the universe that she is a writer. She got into this business so she could sit around a table with a bunch of overweight Jewish guys and make the world laugh, not so that she could strut her stuff on a red carpet. So I refuse to hold Tina responsible for this ensemble – it is not her job to look great. It is her job to pay people to make her look great.
The people who have failed miserably are Team Tina – her stylist, and whoever else saw her between the time she got dressed and the time she got out of her limo at this event. Because ANYBODY whose job it is to know fashion should know better than to put Ms. Liz Lemon, or anyone else, in this ensemble, especially at this event. The makeup is too dramatic for her features, SHE’S WEARING A FUCKING JUMPSUIT TO THE MOST FORMAL RED CARPET EVENT OF THE YEAR, and it’s not even a well-made jumpsuit. I’d yell at Rachel Bilson for wearing this to lunch on a Tuesday. Tina’s Gays, you better get your shit together. You are taking one of the most inspirational women alive and making the world laugh at her instead of with her.
Best Dressed Person We’ve Never Heard Of
So I had to wikipedia Maggie Grace to find out that she is an actress from Lost. Well, kudos, Ms. Grace. For you are incredibly well-dressed for someone so irrelevant. Hair and makeup are beautiful and elegant – the headband is cute and doesn’t dress down the look too much. The bottom of the gown is borderline mermaid, and I loathe mermaid gowns with all my soul, but it flares out in a beautiful instead of unnatural and awkward-looking way. Great color, great fit, and a fabulous design. Good work, Maggie.
Mad Men‘s Women Gone Mad
I just recently started watching Mad Men, and already I can tell you with certainty that Joan Holloway is, under normal circumstances, the sexiest woman alive. She, and Ms. Hendricks, who plays her, has red hair I’d kill for, a gorgeous face, and possibly the greatest rack in Hollywood history. But she was the textbook definition of a hot disaster at this event. Let’s start at the top and work our way down.
The hair is sloppy. This event is not the time or place to be lazy when it comes to hair. The makeup was clearly done by a nearly blind prostitute. There is something resembling a beaver resting atop her right shoulder, and her right elbow is apparently camera shy, as it feels the need to be hidden by a giant and unnecessary piece of fabric. I think the length is awkward, the color is terrible, the gown is boring, and the bust is offensive. Are designers and stylists so used to dressing anorexic, size-zero Mary Kates and Ashleys that they can’t correctly fit a bust on a woman with real tits? Sure, Christina is much more boobalicious than the average gal, but it’s not like she wears a size H bra or something. If you can’t deal with real tits, then leave Christina to the real professionals who know how to handle her fabulous figure.
Christina Hendricks may be the sexiest woman alive, but Betty Draper (aka January Jones) is the most classically beautiful. She is the ultimate American woman, so I’d love to know what kind of crack she was smoking when she decided to wear this to the Met Gala. The makeup is truly terrible, as is the hair (you can’t really tell here, but from the side, she looks like an alien). And this dress looks like an old lady’s couch on acid. January, every single thing about your appearance is virtually perfect. You are truly blessed. And it insults us mere mortals to see a woman as goddess-like as yourself dressing up like a fucking idiot. Get your shit together, January.
Most Surprisingly High Fashion
When I hear “Mila Kunis,” I think a few different things. Hot… Dumb… I guess that’s basically it. I certainly don’t think “high fashion” or “risk taker” or “glamorous fashion icon,” but I think she did a damn good job of proving me wrong. A lot of critics hated this gown, but I think it’s simply marvelous. It’s gorgeous and interesting, and it’s definitely risky and difficult to wear. I remember loving this dress in Vera Wang’s collection during New York Fashion Week, and I’m impressed that someone as generally boring as Mila Kunis decided to test the limits and wear something so fierce. Kudos, Kunis. I think you nailed it.
Jessica Szohr is another person I have very little to say about ordinarily, usually because I still have no idea how to pronounce her last name. All I know about her is that she’s racially ambiguous and plays the most boring character ever on Gossip Girl. But I think she really made an effort with this Versace gown. It’s not something I would have chosen, but it’s still beautiful and interesting, and I think it’s quite a step up from the boring/ugly dresses that most young starlets (especially the GG cast) tend to wear. And, holy hell, this bitch can POSE like she’s at the end of the Paris Fashion Week runway! Get it, V. Keep up the good work.
Worst Dressed: Pastel Saloon Edition
As far as I can tell, Ms. Dawson and Ms. Farminga are both currently employed as saloon whores in a barely settled western territory in the 1840s. And they decided to dye their gowns for Easter. I can’t say they look anything other than uber-fugly, but at least they’re dressed for the same event. Also, Rosario? Lay off the spray tan. You’re looking quite orange lately.
Women We Worship in Dresses We Dig
I’ll admit it. I have a total girl crush on Claire Danes. She can do as many bad movies as Jennifer Aniston, but I will always think of My So-Called Life and Romeo + Juliet and be unable to have anything but undying devotion for her. And I think she looks perfectly fabulous here. Not exactly daring, but definitely a beautiful gown worthy of a fabulous woman at a glamorous event.
Gag-Worthy Girls in Loathable Looks
Malin Akerman is one of the least talented actresses in Hollywood. Her most memorable roles are showing her tits in Harold and Kumar and playing Katherine Heigl’s cunty little sister in the dreadful 27 Dresses, a movie so awful that even I can’t watch it without feeling embarrassed. And I watch Spiceworld. She is truly awful to watch and listen to, and though her makeup looks good here, I think she’s very unattractive. This dress looks too casual for this event, and I think it’s cheap and tacky-looking. It’s not helped by her hair, which clearly was peroxided half to death a few weeks ago, and it looks as if she hasn’t washed it since. Malin, I hate your name, your face, your acting “skills,” and now I hate your fashion sense as well. Time for you to disappear.
In the immortal words of Van Halen, Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I’m hot for teacher! Those eyes, that scruff… Mr. Schue was pure deliciousness at the Met Gala.
Victims of Fashion and Botched Botox
I’m fairly certain this is the worst Padma Lakshmi has ever looked. She’s ordinarily stunning, and my roommate Roxie met her once and said she’s just as beautiful in person. Not that you’d ever know it from this picture. This gown is awful – trashy, unoriginal, poorly made, wrinkled, and far too tight. To make matters worse, Padma’s face looks suspiciously awkward. Zoom in on that face – I think it’s more than just a bad moment. I think the new mommy tried to get rid of some new wrinkles and it didn’t go quite as well as she wanted. All in all, this was one of the worst looks of the night.
Fashion Icon Favorites
This is one starlet who never ceases to amaze me. I think Ms. Hermione Granger herself is incredibly beautiful. She’s impeccably stylish, nearly always looks fantastic, and is the role model for intelligent girls who happen to like looking good too. And kudos to her for wearing a white gown (before Memorial Day, no less) and somehow not looking bridal. I love the super-high slit on her petite frame, and although we see draped gowns every day on the red carpet, I think this draping is particularly unique and beautiful. She always manages to look casually fabulous but not under-dressed, glamorous and elegant but never matronly. And now I’m just excited for the next Harry Potter movie to come out.
Our favorite sister-wife got a lot of flack for this outfit, but I think she looks killer. Ms. Sevigny loves to push the fashion envelope and surprise us with her indie-hipster style. And I think this dress says indie-chic gone glam. Of course it’s casual, but she’s not exactly the floor-length glittery Vera Wang kind of girl. Her shoes are epic, the color of the dress is beautiful, and I love the little bit of navy crinoline poking out from under the fabulous teal floral dress. The long sleeves, the sheerness, the high neck, and the open back (which you can’t see here, but trust me, it exists) all keep this look very intriguing and modern. I do wish she’d brush her hair once in a blue moon, but I suppose that’s the pot calling the kettle black.
Worst Dressed of the Night (or possibly of all eternity)
We’re going to have to do this one in bullet points, because I’m afraid my head may explode if I try to tackle this whole thing at once.
- Your Joan Jett film is over. You no longer have an excuse for your hair always looking like shit.
- Let’s be honest, Kristen. You’re not a beautiful girl. Your head is weirdly shaped, you have beady eyes and thin lips, and you’re definitely the most awkward girl in Hollywood. And that makeup is not doing you any favors. You don’t have the face to wear heavy makeup, so you should steer clear from the smoky eyes and the dark lips.
- Honey, you’ve worn Chuck Taylors and denim on the red carpet and still looked uncomfortable in your own skin. How the hell do you expect to be able to pull off haute couture – and CHANEL haute couture at that? Wearing Chanel haute couture requires elegance and an aura of confidence that you simply lack. Leave the crinkled, asymmetrical bodices to the professionals, and go back to shopping at Hot Topic.
- Say it with me: accessorize. A little ugly clutch does not count. No bracelet OR earrings OR necklace? Inexcusable at such a fancy event.
- I love black nail polish just as much as the next girl, but this is the Met Gala, for crying out loud. Show some damn respect.
I don’t care if people said this gown was too safe, too boring, too princessy, too obvious, whatever. I think Anne Hathaway looked better than every single other person at the Met Gala. Perfect hair, makeup, and jewelry, and that gown is perfect on her. Glam and glitzy, like a true diva should be.
Let’s get right to it.
By far the most beautiful pregnant woman I’ve ever seen, other than Heidi Klum, who is a freak of nature. The hair and makeup are flawless, and this dress is so earth goddess and yet still formal at the same time. A+, Amy!
This dress somehow showed up on Best Dressed list after Best Dressed List, and I’m still struggling to figure out why. It looks like three different dresses arbitrarily sewn together. And yes, Zoe Saldana is gorgeous, but I still can’t take her seriously because I will only remember her for her work in Center Stage. Call me nostalgic, I just want to see her being sassy to Peter Gallagher again.
A Trend Done Right
This season is full-on obsessed with gowns that match the skin tone, which I think can be a difficult look to pull off if it’s not done perfectly. But I think Ms. Anna “Fritzy” Kendrick looks incredibly beautiful. I think I love it so much because she didn’t just rely on the beautiful color to do all the work for her. She chose a particularly intricate dress (the lace embellishment towards the bottom is particularly eye-catching and stunning), and she didn’t distract from the dress with accessories that contrast that beautiful color. She went with shoes to match, and soft-colored and diamond accessories. The hair and makeup make her look angelic. So although I’m getting sick of this trend, I think she nailed it.
Let’s just say it – Cameron Diaz has looked like shit lately. She always looks like she’s far underdressed, just rolled out of bed, or put on her grandmother’s suit. it nice to see a beautiful woman in a gorgeous (albeit cliche) gown. Lay off the plastic surgery, keep dressing age-appropriately, and you’ll stay fabulous forever, Cameron.
Think of Meryl Streep
In the immortal words of Matt Rostowsky, GET IT, MERYL! She looks like she doesn’t give a shit if she wins an award or not – she’s there to have a blast, and she looks every bit the glamour queen. Kudos to Project Runway alum Chris March for another fabulous look that works like a charm on a “real” woman’s body.
As much as I love Marchesa, it is not an easy look to pull off. Nor is that color, particularly against the red carpet. And if you aren’t the most beautiful woman in the world, layers and layers of huge ruffles are probably not your best plan. I think the dress is garish and makes Farmiga look much uglier and fatter than she actually is. Vera, you’re good-looking, but you’re no couture model. So stop dressing like one.
I’m really happy Elizabeth Banks is getting the attention she deserves. I’m a huge fan of Judd Apatow’s films, but I hate that he puts such un-funny women (Kristen Bell, Katherine Heigl) in lead roles. He should just keep casting Banks in everything – she’s stunningly gorgeous and truly hilarious. This photo is proof that she’s a woman to be reckoned with. It’s difficult to find women who are beautiful, down-to-earth, funny, and well-dressed. Elizabeth Banks is a rare quadruple threat, and I hope she has a long career ahead of her of looking great and making us laugh.