Welcome back to the red carpet, dear readers.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Oscar de la Renta
I cannot resist a ginger, particularly a ginger in a purple dress and teal earrings. I find myself saying this way too often, but if she threw on a necklace, she’d look perfect.
JORDANA BREWSTER // dress by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Valentino
Who is she? Who cares! She’s wearing a mint-green gown, so I automatically love her. I love the purse – it’s also mint green, but a different shade, so as not to be too matchy-matchy – and the shoes were a nice choice. They’re an interesting shape and I like the ankle strap with this dress.
OLIVIA WILDE // dress by Chloé, purse by Dana Rebecca Designs, shoes by Jimmy Choo
And this, dear readers, is how to take the brilliant and under-used color of mint green and make it look like absolute garbage. I don’t even know what I hate most – the giant sleeves, which make her look capable of flying away any moment? The length, which makes even the most modern, fashionable woman look like a dowdy 19th-century prairie bride? The giant strip of fabric masquerading as some sort of chic key-hole is just a joke. And the shoes don’t work with this mess at all.
HAILEE STEINFELD // shoes by Nine West
She actually looks like an angel, if angels wore espadrilles.
JAYMA MAYS // dress by Zuhair Murad
The bow paired with the Barbie pink is a little too precious, and it seems to be awfully sheer up to and including her ass, but she looks pretty good all the same.
ZOE SALDANA // dress by L’Agence, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent, purse by Givenchy
LOVE those glasses on her. Totally nerd-chic.
RACHEL ZOE // clutch by Gucci
Rachel Zoe is posing like it is her motherfucking PAYDAY, y’all. She looks the same as always – like a less dirty Nicole Richie.
VERA FARMIGA // dress by Stella McCartney, shoes by Gianvito Rossi
Snooze. She does have stunning eyes, though.
VIOLA DAVIS // dress by Escada, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Lose one bracelet, and she’d look phenom.
ASHLEY TISDALE // dress by Joie, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Shoulders like this infuriate me. Why do you need to look like your dress is falling off? There’s just like ten different shades on the spectrum from gold to brown on this girl, and none of them are really working.
FREIDA PINTO // dress by Victoria Beckham, shoes by Jerome C. Rousseau
Classy. Love the shoes.
EMMA STONE // dress by Chloé, shoes by Brian Atwood
Adorable, though she still needs to drop some of those gray, nude, and blush dresses in favor of colors that work better for her skin. Can’t even HANDLE how awesome the shoes are.
Cute necklace, ugly purse, boring dress. But it’s a great color.
EMMA STONE // dress by Christopher Kane, shoes by Brian Atwood
Okay, I can dig a hot pink shoe with an otherwise understated and dull-colored dress, like she wore before. But a hot pink dress and lime-green satin pumps leaves you looking a bit like a toddler who got lost in her mom’s box of clothes from the 80s.
Don’t like the matchy-matchy accessories here. It’s overkill. And the high neck and saggy sleeves make her tits look awfully low. Pick those puppies up, Kim – it’s not like they’re real anyway.
Love the color, but a black or colorful shoe would have been better, and the belt isn’t my favorite.
She might be the most boring celebrity ever.
ANNE HATHAWAY // dress by Carven, shoes by Roger Vivier
Nope. Sorry, Annie, but you look like a flower girl at your aunt’s wedding, and that can’t be what you’re going for.
Good lord, why? Why haven’t people learned that nobody, least of all Khloe Kardashian, can work a PUFFY FUSCHIA PARACHUTE JUMPSUIT?!?!