Well, kittens, it seems as though all of my dreams have come true. Ryan Murphy announced yesterday that next season of Glee will feature a Rocky Horror-themed episode. As a Rocky expert (I dare you to challenge me on that) and Glee fanatic, this is basically the biggest news in my life right now (sad but true). So without further ado, I present my dream casting for the episode – who I think should sing what song and why. Now, these are not predictions, mainly because I trust my own judgment better than that of Glee‘s producers. I do not expect Glee to always make the right choices; sadly, they have yet to hire me, so clearly they will be ill-equipped to make the proper decisions regarding their Rocky Horror episodes. But should they choose to come to their senses, they need not look any further than the Democracy Diva.
Song: “Science Fiction, Double Feature”
Who should sing it: Brittany and Santana (Heather Morris and Naya Rivera)
Why: A sexy, sultry song fit for a true alto, “Science Fiction, Double Feature” is the opening number in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, actually sung by a man (Richard O’Brien, the film’s creator/resident creeper Riff Raff) but portrayed in the film by the iconic red lips of a woman (the lips belong to Patricia Quinn, who plays Magenta).
The song is basically just a list of sci-fi references, so I think the odds of this making it into the Glee episode are pretty much nil. It doesn’t have the sort of climax that most Glee songs have, nor will it forward the plot in any way. But I think if they arranged it as a sexy duet between our two resident bicurious cheerleaders, it would be unstoppable. Plus, Naya Rivera’s deep rasp is perfect for this number.
Song: “Time Warp”
Who should sing it: Artie (Kevin McHale) as Riff Raff, Kurt (Chris Colfer) as Magenta, Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) as Columbia
Why: The most famous song from the show, the Time Warp has it all: sex appeal, creepiness, ridiculous dance moves, and lots of trannies running around in tuxedos. Now, I’ve heard that Ryan Murphy announced the Rocky episode of Glee by telling Chris Colfer that he would get the opportunity to live out his dream of singing “Time Warp,” which would presumably mean he’d be singing the part of Riff Raff (or perhaps they’ll re-arrange the song as a solo). But there’s only one man on Glee suited fill Richard O’Brien’s shoes, and that man is Kevin McHale. Though wheelchair-bound Artie would probably be unable to do Riff’s infamous “kick! kick!,” he’s by far the strongest male vocalist on the show (with the exception of Jon Groff, but I’m not sure if he’s returning next season). And he’s the only one who can sing the sort of rock-theatre style that this song demands.
But Kurt as Magenta? In a big ridiculous wig and a French maid’s costume, with a hilariously bad accent? That would be pure perfection. And Tina’s whiny voice is perfect for Columbia’s solo.
Song: “Sweet Transvestite”
Who should sing it: Puck (Mark Salling)
Why: We’ve seen Finn finally stand up for New Directions by donning head-to-toe Lady Gaga drag; now it’s time for McKinley High’s other resident jock to don some drag and gay it up. Puck is a total rock star in his head, which is why he’d be perfect for this ego-driven song of pure attitude. Because as super-queeny as Dr. Frank N. Furter is, he’s also a totally badass maniac, and Puck would not only rock this song, but he’d look damn good doing it. He’s totally the sort of character who would do this as a “look how confident in my sexuality I am” kind of thing – like he’s the only straight guy cool enough to get away with it. Which he is. (Because Finn would just look super-gay.) I don’t know that Glee would want to put their hottest male character (aside from the yummy Mr. Schue) into such a dragtastic role – I only know that if they choose someone else to do it, I won’t be satisfied.
Song: “I Can Make You a Man”
Who should sing it: Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch)
Why: Should Sue Sylvester not have an entire song dedicated to what a weeny Will Schuester is? I’d love to see Sue take on the challenge to whip Mr. Schue (or any other character) into Cheerio-standard shape, using this song as her get-pumped anthem. Jane Lynch would be as hilarious imitating Tim Curry as she was imitating Madonna in the “Vogue” video, and she could slip in all sorts of jokes about his hair. After all, even if she’s going to stand up for Glee club, she will still forever be Will’s rival, and we love her for that.
Song: “Hot Patootie”
Who should sing it: Finn (Cory Monteith)
Why: The perfect combination of cheese and rock, this song was made for Finn. He’d be strong on the high rock vocals, and the song is right in his territory – loud and fun, but theatrical as well. Plus, Meatloaf is one rock legend Finn has yet to conquer on the show, so it’ll be interesting to see how he handles it.
Song: “Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me”
Who should sing it: Rachel (Lea Michele)
Why: Nobody can over-emote like a stage actress, so only Lea Michele can bring to “Touch-a” the over-the-top campiness that it deserves. Not to mention it’d be the perfect song for Rachel to lose her virginity to – a song about an uptight priss wanting to be bad and give it up? It’s the “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease all over again – the good girl gone bad. Lea would destroy the high notes while keeping the princess-gone-wild attitude strong. I can’t see the Glee producers denying this chance for Rachel Berry to diva out and go crazy.
Song: “Rose Tint My World/Floor Show”
Who should sing it: April Rhodes (Kristen Chenoweth) as Columbia, Finn as Rocky, Kurt as Brad, Rachel as Janet
Why: I see no possible way that the producers would allow this to happen, but it would be beyond perfect. I know they’re bringing both Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel back next season for more guest appearances, and I’d love to hear Cheno do her squeaky little-girl voice for Columbia’s solo. Finn as Rocky is easy – they’re both dumb as hell and can’t dance for shit – and Rachel the ingenue is of course Janet. But Kurt in fishnets and heels, writhing on the floor with a feather boa, playing Brad even gayer than Barry Bostwick played him, would make television history.
Song: “Wild & Untamed Thing”
Who should sing it: Mr. Schue (Matt Morrison)
Why: Who better than the fearless leader of New Directions to lead the most upbeat, frantic, dance-crazy song in Rocky Horror? He’d be able to fit it into some schmaltzy lesson that uses words like “freedom” and “expression” and “passion” and some other crap that fits in with Mr. Schue’s character perfectly. And of course, Matt Morrison would get to show off his impressive dance moves, and this song would also be a great way to feature some of the show’s best dancers, like Brittany and Mike Chang (Harry Shum), better known as “Other Asian.”
Song: “Don’t Dream It, Be It”
Who should sing it: Kurt
Why: A gay anthem if there ever was one, “Don’t Dream It, Be It” is not only a celebration of self-awareness, but a ridiculously flaming, over-the-top, Liza Minelli-style ballad with meaningful (if repetitive) lyrics. Its message is not as simple as “be who you are” – instead, you should drape yourself in feathers and be the person (or transvestite alien) of your dreams. And who better than Kurt to give us that message?
Thoughts? Feelings? Leave your comments, as always. And don’t forget to follow me on twitter @democracydiva!