9:01 pm: I already don’t like this Ivy (Ivory?) girl because of her over-use of the word “luxurious.” But I’m loving me some Puerto Rican Casanova! He’s “taking New York from the balls!” So cute.

9:02: Already loving Sarah. Her portfolio is adorable and she seems really funky. And AJ is the token cute young queer, so I’m obviously already obsessed.

9:03: A 50-year-old named Peach? Well, at least she just used the phrase “ladies who lunch” in a non-ironic sense, which is pretty hilarious.

9:04: A Utah girl with dreads who designs fun and funky dresses? I dig you, girl. But I care little to nothing about your sob story. Everybody has kids, bitch.

9:05: No, Kristin, you cannot have a crooked zipper. That’s not eclectic, that’s just you being a shitty designer. And Jason honey, if you think your bowler hat and awkwardly fat tie are going to intimidate people, you are sadly mistaken. Also, “What nationality are you?” What kind of question is that?

9:07: Ivy, I can see through that fake-ass smile. You’re clenching so hard I’m afraid you’re just going to spontaneously combust. (Actually, I sort of hope you do.)

9:09: AJ, stop hitting on Michael. “And where are you from?!” Friendly much? It’s the first day, boy. Back off a touch.

9:10: Heidi and Tim are in the house!! I’m not a fan of Heidi’s bangs, but Tim looks perfect as per usual. Also, the first challenge is… still part of the audition. We’re nixing someone on the first day? Love that shit. These bitches are sweating!

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9:16: We’re back from the break, and all the designers have to pull out one item from their suitcases to incorporate into their garment. My response would be “Bitch, these are MY clothes. Fuck this shit; I’m going to Mood.”

9:17: Not only do you have to lose almost literally the shirt off your back, but some OTHER biddy is gonna cut it up? Poor Casanova and his one thousand dollar pants!!

9:18: Gretchen, I can already tell you’re going to be the boring one. Why are the designers from Portland always so… dull?

9:19: The Brother sewing room looks way more fabulous than it did last season. And I’m liking all the tech improvements. Those fancy computer sketch pads are pretty darn nifty.

9:21: Gretchen, don’t you use “make it work” in that sarcastic little tone. You do not mock Mr. Gunn, aight bitch?

9:23: Casanova, I want to like you, but that little choad of a tie you’re wearing is too distracting.

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9:28: Tim is sporting a striped purple tie over a striped lavender shirt! A difficult look to pull off, but of course The Smokin’ Gunn rocks it.

9:30: April started with a men’s tuxedo jacket, and turned it inside out to make it an ugly vest. Or that’s where things stand at the moment, anyway.

9:31: Valerie, you’re just a bit of a cunt, aren’t you? Also Jason, putting a scarf over a kimono does not make it… not a kimono.

9:32: Peach is making an apron and doing a whole lot of whining.

9:33: Mondo is definitely an awkward bird, but I kind of dig his vibe. And you have to love that Tim Gunn’s job allows him to say sentences such as, “The cap sleeve is worrying me.”

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9:39: TEN MINUTES to fit the models? Damn, PR producers! You guys are not kidding around this season!

9:40: Ivy, I get that you’re all energetic and ambitious and fast-paced, but could you just like shut the fuck up for a little bit?

9:41: Jason, if you can’t control your hard-on around a naked model, then you are not ready to be a fashion designer. I don’t care if she’s busty; I don’t care if she has three vaginas – be a fucking professional.

9:42: “Maybe something sort of whimsical? But nothing like a drag queen.” That basically describes my life.

9:43: Kristin, did you FORGET about your MODEL? Honeyyyy. That is not a good sign. Also, everyone, stop saying you’re “not on the show yet.” I don’t care if there’s a day-one elimination – you’re talking to the camera. I’m watching you on television. Clearly, you’re on the show.

9:44: I’m digging Utah Dredlocks so far. Seems like she’s being edited to be the winner. And Casanova is edited to be the loser, quite obviously.

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9:49: Time for the runway show! Heidi is looking fierce and being sneaky about how many are actually going home.

9:51: They couldn’t find someone more relevant than Selma fucking Blair to be the guest judge? Come on.

Valerie’s Dress: Grey and pink, model can barely walk, the dress seems poorly constructed but has a cute design.

Peach: Boring in design, but very well-structured for only five hours. Not crazy about the back, don’t think she used enough of the original material.

McKell: A little sluttier than I expected – the shortness and the shiny fabric are not my taste, but it’s certainly cute and youthful.

Andy: How the fuck did he make a full, dramatic outfit in five hours?!

Sarah: Another model who can’t walk. In a sad little booty-shorts romper.

Nicholas: Awful purple bridesmaid nightmare with a fugly zipper.

Mondo: Cute dress, modern, youthful, surprising use of different fabrics.

Ivy: Not seeing how the top and bottoms go together, but it’s hard to make any kind of pant in 5 hours, so mad props to her.

Michael C: Looks like something the cheapest hooker in the world would wear.

Kristin: I love that kilt-collar, and that skirt has some seriously cool draping.

Christopher: Cute. Well-constructed.

April: UGLY. Ugly. Ugly. Did I mention how fucking ugly it is? Every hem is destroyed, and not in an intentional-looking way.

Gretchen: Classy and fabulous. The back is really surprising and unique.

Michael D: Ugly hippie-chick shirt. Hate the draping in the back.

Jason: There’s something mental-patient looking at her. She looks like she’s wearing a robe they give you at the hair salon.

AJ: Very cute, very Democracy Diva taste. Definitely one of my favorites.

Casanova: BITCH IS NAKED. That bitch is so naked! Honey, that ain’t even a bathing suit. That is HELLA NAKED.

9:58: The runway show is over! AJ, Andy, Valerie, Sarah, Peach, Kristin, Michael C, Mondo, Michael D, Christopher – all these people are SAFE! Congrats, kiddies. And stop fucking crying.

9:59: We’re bringin’ out the models. They picked a clear, unanimous winner… and it’s Gretchen. I can’t deny them that one; her dress is totally chic, modern and retro at the same time. I understand why the judges love it – I’m a fan as well. And I don’t think you’re boring anymore, honey. Sorry I judged you for not wearing make-up, having weird bangs, and being from Portland.

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10:06: Ivy Interrogation. She’s talking about details and embellishments, but I didn’t realize she literally just re-used the pants and added a bit of rouching. And my biggest pet peeve is when designers argue with the judges on the runway – particularly when it’s the first damn week! And Selma Blair is pretty funny in her sassy comments.

10:07: Jason and his mental patient. Oh, and Heidi said she looks like she’s wearing a hairdressing cape, which I just said like five minutes ago. Great minds, Ms. Klum. But Jason, don’t pretend like you’re gonna get out of this one alive.

10:08: April and her fugly jacket-turned-vest. I agree with Heidi – when people go “raw” and “unfinished,” I also wonder if that just means “I just can’t fucking sew.” I also agree with Heidi that “this is just a hot mess!” And honeys, we know you only had five hours. Some people still made it work.

10:10: McKall. I guess dreadlocks is not pegged to be the winner after all. But I hate this derss the more I see it. This dress is ugly, the styling is tacky… I don’t know why they cut to the judges making really happy faces when this walked down the runway.

10:11: Nicholas and his sadsack bridesmaid. Agreed with Nina that the concept is good, but the end result is very weak. And if one more bitch complains about the time… Jesus. I don’t want to hear it.

10:12: Casanova and his naked, naked, naked girl. “Mother of the bride who’s the belly-dancer… She’s a pole-dancer in Dubai.” Oh, Michael Kors and your one-liners.

10:13: Nina is speaking Spanish! So darling. But like… was that scripted? Because Casanova speaks pretty fine English, and understood everything else that was said… so I’m not sure why he needed a translator. But it was still adorable.

10:14: Michael is debating whether Ivy has any taste or talent. I think she can talk the talk, but bitch cannot walk the walk.

10:15: Don’t try to defend Casanova’s design by saying it’s “out of the box” and “weird” and “makes you react.” It’s just, in the age-old words of Michael, “slutty, slutty, slutty.”

10:16: They like the styling of Jason’s hair salon gown? Ughhh. Disagree. And I agree that April has a modern take, but let’s not defend her poor styling and complete lack of execution skills.

10:17: McKall should be knocked off just for choosing such horrible hair and accessories, no? Nicholas made the most boring dress I’ve ever seen, but they’re right that he did make a well-constructed garment in five hours, which is pretty damn epic.

10:18: Heidi is telling everyone to feel unsafe. Honey, you do not need to tell me twice.

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10:23: My prediction: Jason and Ivy are going home.

10:24: April is in. Nicholas is in. (I like how thankful he is. Very sweet.) And I’m at least half wrong, because Jason is in.

10:25: How many times are they going to say “you made pants out of pants?”

10:26: Aww, McKall is out. I knew she got too much screen time not to be a winner or loser.

10:27: Ivy and Casanova are both… IN?! I disagree, Heidi. If anybody deserved to go home, it’s Ivy. Don’t keep her on just because she’s a bitch and you like having “characters” on the show.

10:28: I love Tim Gunn. I can never say it enough. The 16 that are left are moving in to a FABULOUS place. Loving the stripes on the walls.

10:29: Oh, hi, Christopher. I literally don’t even remember you being on the show yet, and here you are getting all the last two minutes of screen time.

And next week looks like it’s going to be a doozy!

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Haven’t had your fill of fabulous yet? Well, as soon as photos from the runway show are posted, I’ll be doing a recap post about it, so tune in tomorrow, ladies!