Happy Memorial Day, dear readers! Pour yourself a stiff cocktail and get ready to judge.
ANGELINA JOLIE in Michael Kors
She looks like a bag of bones. Eat a sandwich and wear a color.
ANGELINA JOLIE in Jenny Packham
It’s still Ange – shapeless and drapey – but she wore a color for the first time in a decade, so I can’t complain.
BEYONCE in Lanvin
Pretty fierce, actually. Tight, but not uncomfortably so, and the neckline is interesting. Killer shoes, too.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD in Lorena Sarbu
Sue your tanning salon, Carrie. I think they used bronze spray paint instead of bronzer.
CHLOE MORETZ in Azzaro
This week, I discovered Chloe Moretz. She’s fourteen, and if she looks familiar, it’s because you saw in her (500) Days of Summer and the 30 Rock episode “TGS Hates Women.” With that button nose, that pout, and those intense eyes, I think this budding fashion plate might be here to stay. I’m really hoping that dress is only sheer because of the camera flash, because that would be a little nasty on a fourteen year old. But the collar on that dress is fantastic, and her shoes are adorable and age-appropriate. And the hair? Fabulous.
CHLOE SEVIGNY in Opening Ceremony
I can’t put into words how I feel about this, but just look at that guy all the way on the right. I think his face really says it all.
COURTNEY LOVE in Roberto Cavalli
The dress is a little too snakelike. The styling just comes off as very creepy, like a slutty reptile junkie.
ELLE FANNING in Marc by Marc Jacobs
Oof. I don’t think there’s anyone alive who can pull off a misshapen romper with a high prairie collar and Puritan heels.
Love the hair. Love the shoes. Love the purse. The dress would be way cuter without the belt.
FERGIE in BCBG Max Azria
Really, really not my favorite shade of yellow. It’s a little beauty pageant.
FERGIE in Herve Leger
If you’re into bondage in the bedroom, fine. But do you need to bring it to the red carpet?
It has linebacker shoulderpads, a puzzle-piece jacket, and what can only be described as a vagina bib. With purple satin stilettos.
Didn’t Andy South get kicked off Project Runway for making those hideous pants? Love the shoes, though.
HAILEE STEINFELD in Miu Miu
Watch your step, Hailee. There are younger, more stylish prodigies out there just itching to take your place. You’ve got to work a little harder than conservative secretary if you want to beat those bitches.
HALLE BERRY in Halston
It depresses me that a woman as beautiful as Halle Berry can be this desperate for people to still find her sexy. That’s not a red carpet gown, it’s a glorified swimsuit.
HEIDI KLUM in Vivienne Westwood
Heidi’s uniform: mega-short, mega-shiny, boobs pushed up to her eyeballs. She’s still workin’ it.
JANUARY JONES in Preen
Betty Draper is pregnant, but don’t worry – she hasn’t changed. She still doesn’t know how to dress herself. And I’m only excusing those roots because she shouldn’t be dying her hair while she’s with child. Sadly, pregnancy cannot excuse that teenage stripper makeup and this ugly, ugly dress.
JENNIFER LOPEZ in Zac Posen
If I can see your bellybutton, YOUR DRESS IS TOO TIGHT. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again to J.Lo, Beyonce, Katy Perry and an infinite number of starlets who insist on wearing too-small sizes: dress a size bigger and you’ll look a size smaller.
JENNIFER LOPEZ in Michael Kors
I hate jumpsuits almost as much as I hate Jennifer Lopez. She just looks naked, with weird lumps around her waist and ankles.
JESSICA BIEL in Gucci
Just because a color is beautiful doesn’t mean MORE of it is MORE beautiful, Jess. Pick one blue-green piece instead of four.
JESSICA CHASTAIN in Roland Mouret
Love this color, but a mermaid gown is never my favorite gown. And this dress requires hair down, especially because that ginger hair will look INCREDIBLE next to this teal gown.
When you get kicked off a show that everyone stopped caring about three years ago, you have to dress the part.
A teeny bit ill-fitting, but she looks lovely, as always. However, she is another that needs to add some color into her wardrobe.
KATIE HOLMES in Holmes & Yang
That collar is ridiculous, but the color is fabulous, especially for Katie, who is a notoriously boring dresser. Who apparently has her own label – yes, she is the Holmes in Holmes & Yang.