Let’s get caught up, dear readers.
LADY GAGA // suit and clutch by Alexandre Vauthier, sunglasses by Emmanuelle Khanh
Now that you all forgot Gaga has tits, because you’ve been thinking about her sideburns and prosthetic dick all week, she whips out her more feminine assets and straps back on her twelve-inch platforms. I could do with less red-on-red-on-red, but that necklace is my new favorite thing on earth, and the suit is fierce as hell.
JULIANNA MARGUILES // skirt by Carolina Herrera
You WORK it in that mustard-and-black houndstooth, girlfriend! What a skirt. Absolutely delectable.
Enjoy it now, Elle, because you’re about six months away from being too old to wear this kind of shit. And you’re about six decades too young for that hat and those shoes.
KATE WINSLET // dress and blazer by Helmut Lang, shoes by Michael Kors
Yummy blazer! I sort of forgot Kate Winslet existed for awhile, so I’m glad she decided to bring a fierce blazer and some killer sandals with her when she returned to my life.
Cute, but if you were Coco Rocha, why on earth would you settle for cute?
GO AWAY JUMPSUITS. I have always hated you, and I will never think you look cool, especially when you’re some sort of tuxedo/MC Hammer pant hybrid.
FERGIE // top by Balenciaga, sunglasses by Versace, bag by Celine
Love the pants, hate the blouse.
Menswear for women is in; however, men’s shoes for women? Not a great look, Alexa.
MARISA TOMEI // dress by Preen, shoes by Pollini
The hair ages her quite a bit, and I think it would be better without the belt, but I enjoyed this all the same. Fun print, bright color-blocking.
EMMA ROBERTS // dress by Alice + Olivia, shoes by Camilla Skovgaard
She’s learning, slowly but surely, that less is more. But she hasn’t quite mastered the art of not looking severe and maintaining your highlights regularly.
JENNIFER LOPEZ // sweater by H&M, pants by Balmain, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I’m worried about JLo. Based on those pants, I assume she’s having some sort of mental breakdown causing her to think she’s in a Poison video from the waist down.
T-shirt + boots ≠ complete outfit. You can remember to put on six bracelets, five rings, four necklaces and a partridge in a pear tree, but you can’t manage to throw on PANTS?
EVE // blazer by Mackage
I can’t decide what’s worst: A) the denim crop-top bustier, B) the spandex biker shorts, or C) the thigh-high pleather legwarmers. I’m going to have to go with D) all of the above.
A gorgeous color gown, and her knockers look ridonkulous.
DITA VON TEESE
I. WANT. THAT. PURSE.
KATY PERRY // blouse and skirt by Elie Saab, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Katy: You have breasts. Start appreciate that that is first and foremost a gift, and second a limitation on what you can wear. This particular garment would fall under the category of hideous with a touch of garbage.
SOFIA VERGARA // shoes by Christian Louboutin
I think she’s just Eva Longoria with an accent.
MADONNA // dress by L’Wren Scott, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
Like a virgin, indeed! Why so schoolgirl, Madge? The better to disguise your still-scary arms with thoughts of nuns and church pews?