LADY GAGA vs. CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE
LADY GAGA: dress by Versace, shoes by Christian Louboutin // DUCHESS CATHERINE: coat by Alexander McQueen
Gaga: Well hello, Princess! Can we talk about how great being royal is? Trashy wigs and meat dresses and giant eggs and everything?
Duchess Kate: Um, darling, you’re not actually royal. And princesses certainly do not wear meat dresses.
LADY GAGA: dress by Osman, shoes by Christian Louboutin // DUCHESS CATHERINE: gown by Jenny Packham
Gaga: Oh, you’re right, Princess. I’m not royalty. I’m Lady Gaga, the daughter of an Earl, like that skinny pale bitch with the great eyebrows from Downton Abbey.
Duchess Kate: You Americans need to – how do you say it? – chillax with the Downton Abbey obsession. Fee tails are really not that interesting. And you’re from the Upper West Side! Your dad’s not an Earl, he’s an Italian New Yorker who works in telecommunications.
Duchess Kate: Married royal life is kind of boring, okay? I have a lot of limo rides where I need to ignore people and play with my iPhone.
LADY GAGA: ensemble by Salvatore Ferragamo // DUCHESS CATHERINE: gown by Jenny Packham
Gaga: Oh, you don’t pay people to do your wikipedia-ing for you? My talon-like nails don’t fit on standard keyboards, and I’ll shatter an iPhone if I even try to unlock the screen, so it’s kind of necessary to have the hot ginger guy who follows you around do those things for you.
Duchess Kate: Wait, why do you get the sexy gay ginger and I get this portly, extremely English-looking dude? You American stars really do have it all.
LADY GAGA: dress by Moschino, sunglasses by Fendi, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo // DUCHESS CATHERINE: gown by Alice by Temperley
Gaga: Yes. Because I am Lady Gaga, and that is how a Lady gets treated.
Duchess Kate: YOU ARE NOT A LADY. Lord Grantham would’ve let Lady Sybil marry his chauffeur right in his backyard before he’d call you a Lady.
Duchess Kate: Listen, even Brits are not immune to the awesomeness that is Maggie Smith.
Duchess Kate: No. It’s me.
DIANNA AGRON vs. EMMA WATSON
DIANNA AGRON: dress by Louis Vuitton // EMMA WATSON: dress by McQ, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Dianna: Get a fierce black jacket, a printed dress, and some sparkly pumps on, bitch, and let’s get this party started.
Emma: Done! Who are you, again?
DIANNA AGRON: dress by Mary Katrantzou, shoes by Rodarte for Opening Ceremony // EMMA WATSON: top and skirt by Jason Wu, purse by Charlotte Olympia, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Dianna: Dianna Agron! I play Quinn Fabray on Glee.
Emma: That show’s still on?
Emma: Nothing at all, darling! Let’s wear peplum skirts and change the subject!
DIANNA AGRON: vintage dress, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent // EMMA WATSON: dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Dianna: No. Let’s grab our favorite lacy dresses in primary colors while I remind you that while I’m still on a hit show… what are you even doing right now?
Emma: I’m trying not to roll my eyes at you referring to Glee as a “hit show.”
DIANNA AGRON: dress by Christian Cota, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Camilla Skovgaard // EMMA WATSON: dress by Elie Saab, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Dianna: Ouch. Can’t we be friends? We both have short hair and silvery cocktail dresses. That’s someplace to start.
Emma: Oh, fine. Let’s be honest – you’re no threat to me anyway.
Emma: Yes. Moron.
Emma: I was kidding, you blithering idiot. The only magic in these dresses is ME!
EMMA STONE vs. TAYLOR SWIFT
EMMA STONE: tuxedo by Gucci // TAYLOR SWIFT: dress by Asos, jacket by Rick Owens, purse by Rugby
Emma: Hey, Swifty! Do you think there will ever be a day when you’ll wear something as interesting as a green tuxedo jacket?
Taylor: … Probably not, no.
EMMA STONE: dress by Elie Saab, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Brian Atwood // TAYLOR SWIFT: dress by Contrarian, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Emma: Fair enough. Let’s get our super-sweet-and-innocent on and dress like virgins.
Taylor: I don’t really know how to dress any other way.
Taylor: Oh, no, it’s fine. It just sells more records.
EMMA STONE: gown and purse by Lanvin // TAYLOR SWIFT: gown by Elie Saab
Emma: Um, okay. Since I’m not planning on launching a full-scale exploration into how weird you are, let’s put on gowns and stop talking.
Taylor: Don’t I look just like a Disney princess?
Taylor: Fine. I can do a dramatic, look-how-interesting-I-am gown with a giant train too, you know.
Taylor: I think a princessy periwinkle will do.
EMMA STONE: gown and shoes by Lanvin // TAYLOR SWIFT: gown by J. Mendel
Emma: Well, it’s been fun competing with you, Taylor. I’m going to continue dressing my age, and you can have fun alternating between communion dresses and bridal gowns.
Taylor: Don’t worry – I will!
DITA VON TEESE vs. ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY
DITA VON TEESE: vintage dress, purse by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Christian Louboutin // ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: dress by MaxMara, shoes by Sergio Rossi
Dita: Hello, dear. It’s cute that you think you can out-sex a burlesque star like myself, even when I’m dressed like a fabulous early 1960s housewife.
Rosie: I’m a Victoria’s Secret model! I can out-sex anyone.
Rosie: So you’re wearing 90-year-old panties? Gross.
Rosie: You can’t defeat me. I put a mega-high slit in every gown I own.
DITA VON TEESE: gown by Hervé L. Leroux, purse by Christian Louboutin // ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: gown, purse, and shoes by Burberry
Dita: Let’s continue to show off our money-makers and add some cut-outs to the design, shall we?
Rosie: Sure! But I’m keeping my mega-high slit.
DITA VON TEESE: gown by Jenny Packham // ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY: gown by Antonio Berardi
Dita: No high slits or plunging neckline here, darling. Just bring your favorite cap-sleeved gown in a primary color and get ready to do battle.
Rosie: That sounds like a brilliant plan.
Rosie: You’re never fully dressed without some glitter.
Rosie: With the power of a sheer skirt and a giant Gucci flower on my shoulder, I shall prevail.