FAN BINGBING at the Versace show // dress, purse, and shoes by Versace
Nobody brought the glamour, the drama, and the sophistication of Paris haute couture fashion week to the front row quite like my idol, Fan Bingbing. The dress is perfect, the sunglasses are ridiculously phenomenal, and her jet black hair shines like fucking diamonds. What more could you possibly want? (And don’t worry, I’ll get to the celebrity seated behind her in that crazy gold get-up later in this post. Patience is a virtue, dear readers.) Oh, and if you could possibly want Fan Bingbing as an haute couture runway model, don’t worry. We’ll get there too.
DIANE KRUGER at the Chanel show // dress by Chanel, shoes by Christian Louboutin
This was my Resort 2013 red carpet prediction for Hailee Steinfeld, who I think would have looked slightly less silly in it than Diane does. If it weren’t for the beret, I’d probably think this was a fucking perfect look – she mitigated the girliness of the dress with fantastically metallic and studded accessories. But it’s just so obvious, to wear a fucking beret with your already mega-French looking outfit to Paris Fashion Week – it’s a total costume. And Diane’s personal style is way too interesting and sophisticated to resort to something as costumey as this, even if she looks flawlessly beautiful in that straight-out-of-a-French-painting kind of way.
ANNA DELLO RUSSO at the Dior show // dress by Fausto Puglisi, purse by Valentino, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
This is why I love me some Anna Dello Russo (the fabulously over-the-top editor of Japanese Vogue), who above all represents the idea that fashion should be FUN. She’s worn a lot of dresses like this, but none so revealing (and let’s hear it for that body on a fifty-year-old woman!) and none so delightful, with her ridiculous Pilgrim Barbie heels and the fabulous matching purse. It only works on Anna, but I can’t help loving it.
ELIZABETH BANKS at the Versace show // dress and shoes by Versace
Dig the dramatic hair and makeup, and the dress is pretty cool (but I’m biased because Fan Bingbing wore such a similar dress that was infinitely more stylish). Seems that everyone stuck to Versace accessories, which is understandable, but a little annoying because everyone picked the same neutral platform pumps. Regardless, she looks quite chic, especially since she tweeted that the airport lost all of her luggage for her trip to Paris Fashion Week! (If there is a more inconvenient time to lose your luggage, besides maybe on your way to your wedding, I can’t think of one, the poor dear.) But Effie Trinket wasn’t the only Hunger Games star to score front row couture seats . . .
JENNIFER LAWRENCE at the Dior show // dress, purse, and shoes by Christian Dior
I couldn’t love this dress more on her if I tried. I wish the purse were a little smaller and the shoes were virtually any other color, but she’s terrifically cute in this dress, so I can’t complain too much. (Not that that’s ever stopped me before.)
JENNIFER LAWRENCE at the Dior after-party
She could have really gone wild with the shoes here, and instead chose very ordinary peep-toe platform sandals. That makes me sad, in spite of the fact that she’s rocking that blue dress and black purse. Love the high, cinched waist and the elbow-length sleeves, Katniss!
MILLA JOVOVICH at the Versace show // dress by Versace
I mean, when else do you get to wear this dress, right? It’s not at all my style, but I can’t pretend Milla’s not working the shit out of it. And although they’re the same shoes everyone else wore, the black Versace platforms were the perfect choice for this sexy LBD.
MILLA JOVOVICH at the Chanel show // dress and jacket by Chanel
The vampy pose doesn’t work quite as well with the mega-girly outfit, does it? Regardless, I’m still buying what Milla’s selling, in spite of her awful hair and makeup and ridiculous expression. I’d have nixed the purse (too matchy-matchy with the heels), but I can’t get enough of those delicious shoes. What a unique color combination – and surprisingly perfect with her ivory-pink dress and jacket.
JESSICA ALBA at the Versace show // dress, purse, and shoes by Versace
She looks beautiful, but c’mon, Jess. Give me a little something interesting to talk about!
CLÉMENCE POÉSY at the Chanel show // dress and purse by Chanel
The dress is lovely, but I can’t pretend those giant shoes and that equally unreasonably large purse were good styling choices. It makes everything look so heavy and gloomy, particularly with her slightly mussed-up hair and very little makeup.
ANNA WINTOUR and BEE SHAFFER at the Dior show // shoes by Manolo Blahnik
Sunglasses, statement necklace, printed short-sleeved knee-length dress, and nude Manolo kitten-heeled peep-toes: the Anna Wintour uniform. I’m way more interested in her daughter, the adorable little lady next to her, in the fantastic blue and white color-blocked dress – go and get it, Bee! Don’t adopt a uniform as strict as your mom’s!
CORY MONTEITH and LEA MICHELE at the Versace show // Cory’s suit by Versace; Lea’s dress, purse, and shoes by Versace
He actually looks fantastic, though the pants are a bit long on him (and he’s a thousand feet tall, so that’s a little surprising). She is wearing shoes that are at least three sizes too big for her – she literally looks like a child playing dress-up in her mother’s heels. The dress is cute, though, and way less offensive than her normal “PLEASE, PLEASE LOOK AT ME!!!” up-to-the-cooch slits and down-to-the-navel V-necks.
KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST at the Stéphane Rolland show // gown by Stéphane Rolland, shoes by Christian Louboutin
These fame-hungry voids delayed the Stephane Rolland show because they were so late, and ended up walking in five minutes before it ended, just in time to distract the audience away from the final runway look, modeled by . . . yes, Fan Bingbing! (A brief respite from my rant to squeal in excitement over Fan modeling the final look in a fucking Paris couture show – and she’s an actress, not a model!)
So, regardless of your opinion on Kim and Kanye, I’d like to issue them a giant “FUCK YOU!” for delaying an haute couture runway show, entering it five minutes before the end, and taking even an iota of attention off the fabulous designs (and equally incredible models, like Fan).
Oh, you want me to talk about the clothes? Kim doesn’t look quite as whorish and desperate as usual. There, is that enough?
SHARON STONE at the Dior show // gown by Christian Dior
Nothing says “I’m Sharon Fucking Stone” like preening backstage at the Dior show in your full-length black Dior gown, giant purse, and terrifying “don’t even think of coming near me” sunglasses. What a fucking badass.
OLIVIA PALERMO at the Dior show // top, shorts, purse, and shoes by Christian Dior
This is another one of those cases where each individual piece is interesting and stylish, but together, it doesn’t make much sense. And not in that funky, street style, look-how-cool-I-am-because-my-outfit-makes-no-sense way. Just in a bad way.
LESLIE MANN at the Chanel show // top, skirt, purse, and shoes by Chanel
Leslie, you are probably not high on Chanel’s priority list of celebrities to dress, so I’ll let that serve as the explanation for this sad mish-mosh of an outfit. The purse is great (and the sunglasses in your hand look mighty cute as well), but those heavy round-toed pumps are a major disappointment. The pencil skirt is gorgeous, but not exactly Paris Fashion Week material, and the blouse is nothing to write home about. Don’t worry, dear, I’ll give Karl a call later tonight and have him set you up with something worthy of your fabness.
ALEXA CHUNG at the Chanel show // purse and skirt by Chanel
I already couldn’t take much more of the frumpy sweaters and sad schoolgirl looks, but now she’s gone ahead and added furry sandals? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS at the Versace show // dress by Atelier Versace
CHRISTINA. HIRE A STYLIST. There is no reason for you to be wearing hideously ugly and very unflattering shoes that your poor feet don’t even FIT into. No one should have agreed to let you carry that giant-ass bridesmaid’s purse that distracts from your whole outfit, nor wear that blazer, which has no chicness or fit to it whatsoever. And that hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed in a few too many weeks.
MARION COTILLARD at the Dior show // dress and shoes by Christian Dior
Marion, you are French and fucking fabulous. You also wear a metric shit-ton of Dior. So how is it possible that you of all people managed to fuck up the outfit for Dior’s couture show? This girly dress is inappropriate on anyone old enough to menstruate, and those espadrille-esque mauve satin platforms are hideous. And did you really think that throwing your hair up into that sloppy mess and smearing on some pink lipstick was sufficient for this event? For shame, Marion.
M.I.A. at the Versace show // top, pants, jacket, purse, and shoes by Versace
Ah, here we are, dear readers. We’ve come full-circle, to the crazy lady sitting behind the fabulously dressed Fan Bingbing at the Versace show. M.I.A., I love your shoes, your purse, and your refusal to play by the rules. But if you ever make me look at something this ugly again, I will spontaneously combust with judgment and bitchery. Consider that your first – and last – warning.