DIANE KRUGER vs. MIRANDA KERR
Diane: Well, we’ve survived the first round of this vicious battle we call March Fabness. How do you feel, Miranda? Invigorated? Threatened by my power-clashing printed dress? Jealous of my strappy shoes?
Miranda: Mostly invigorated, but I could use a cup of coffee.
Diane: Oh, is that why you always rock those giant sunglasses? To hide your tired eyes?
Miranda: No, it’s because I’m stoned as fuck and am hiding my bloodshot eyes. Jeez, Diane, get it right!
Diane: I find that kind of hard to believe.
Miranda: What, you think a Victoria’s Secret Angel doesn’t know how to roll a blunt?
Diane: I just thought you guys were more into skinny drugs, like coke.
Miranda: What an offensive stereotype! For your information, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show after-party looks like a much frillier, sluttier Cheech & Chong movie.
Diane: That actually sounds pretty awesome. Maybe I should’ve stuck with modeling.
Miranda: Well, we can’t all be perfect. Except for me.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY vs. NINA DOBREV
Keira: Nina, darling. As someone three years older than you, can I give you some helpful fashion advice?
Nina: Probably not, considering you dress like a kindergartener. But yeah, whatever, lay it on me.
Keira: Well, you’re off to a good start in a neutral dress with a subtle floral print. But where is your Peter Pan collar?!
Nina: I don’t own one. You know, because I’m normal.
Keira: Don’t sass me, girl. Now, when you’re at the Toronto Film Festival, it’s all about embellished gowns in black and white. But the most important accessory is a grimace that never actually turns into a smile.
Nina: What’s wrong with smiling on the red carpet? Are you afraid you’ll lose your hipster-starlet cred if you actually look like you’re enjoying yourself?
Keira: Honey, LOOK at me in this gown. I don’t need a shit-eating grin: everybody knows how good I look or my name’s not Keira Knightley!
Nina: Same here, except my name’s, you know, NOT Keira Knightley. It’s Nikolina Konstantinova Dobreva.
Keira: Seriously? That’s a goddamn mouthful, darling. What does it mean?
Nina: Oh, in my native Bulgaria, it means “Keira Knightley can suck it and her wardrobe is tacky.”
KRISTEN STEWART vs. ZOE SALDANA
Zoe: Wow. I already can’t stand you, and you haven’t even uttered a full word yet. That’s got to be some kind of record.
Kristen: I guess.
Zoe: Wow, you’re about as eloquent as you are talented, aren’t you?
Kristen: Now, that was below the bedazzled belt, bitch. What did I ever do to you?
Zoe: Nothing, I suppose. But since when does that mean I’m not allowed to hate you?
Kristen: Fine, hate me irrationally like the rest of America just because I don’t have a shit-eating grin like you. I could not give less fucks.
Zoe: We’re not asking for much, Kristen. You don’t have to give many fucks, but give a fuck or two, for God’s sake.
Kristen: Fine. My hair is styled, my makeup is done, I’m wearing a dress without looking like it’s causing me physical pain, AND I’m smiling. Are you all happy now?
Zoe: Yes, but only because I still look a thousand times better than you.
EMILY BLUNT vs. MARION COTILLARD
Emily: Ah, finally. Someone European enough to actually compete with me in a fashion battle!
Marion: Darling, I’m French. You’re English. There is no competition here.
Emily: Don’t make me start a fashion world war on your Parisian ass.
Marion: Oh, bring it, Emily. Can you even comprehend how much Dior I’ve worn in my life? It’s positively unfathomable.
Emily: Being a label whore and being a fashionista aren’t the same thing, Marion.
Marion: I’d rather be a whore for Dior than anything else on earth for a lesser label.
Emily: Fine, darling. Have it your way. I’ll be laughing in McQueen all the way to Round 3.
Marion: We’ll see about that, bitch.