dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Jimmy Choo
It looks like Cannes kicked off the Hunger Games: Catching Fire press tour, with Katniss and Gale hitting the red carpet looking more fabulous than ever. (Don’t worry, we’ll get to him later.) Jennifer’s slightly tousled bedhead is just flawlessly chic and cool, her makeup and earrings are perfectly lovely, and the dress is terrific. It’s got an Andy Warhol painting reprinted on that funny little side-peplum, which I adore, and the pink shoes are just unexpected and fun. Now, Jen, it’s time to hop a flight to DC and share your wardrobe with your new best friend, the Democracy Diva. Okay?
gown by Ulyana Sergeenko, jewelry by Chopard
As we all know, it’s not the Cannes Film Festival until Fan Bingbing gets her couture on. And though I couldn’t find a good photo of the front of her fabulous ice blue gown, she’s clearly working the shit out of that mega-sexy neckline and those off-the-shoulder sleeve-strap hybrids. But the back is really where the magic happens:
She looks about a billion feet tall. I could not be more jealous. The necklace is even more beautiful from this angle than it is from the front, and the cut-out in the back is just lovely. The way the fabric drapes over her butt makes her ass look absolutely out of this world. I’m becoming increasingly convinced that she’s simply too flawless to be human.
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Chopard, purse by Louis Vuitton
This is actually a little much for me – it’s obviously an exquisite gown, it just has so very much going on that it’s hard to even see its beauty, let alone appreciate it. I think the neckline is downright sloppy and the sleeves have way more fabric than they need. By nature of it being Fan Bingbing in Elie Saab, it’s still pretty damn fabulous, but we all know she can do a hell of a lot better.
DITA VON TEESE
gown by Alexis Mabille
It’s the rare woman who can pull off this trenchcoat/gown hybrid, but Dita von Teese is a rare woman indeed. I quibble over the idea of wearing black shoes with a navy gown, but it’s not actually noticeable enough to bother me.
DITA VON TEESE
gown by Dolce & Gabbana
That bow is ridiculous enough, but the real question here is, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOUR HAIR, DITA? Did you fall asleep and squish your hair against the limousine window on the way here? Does it have a mind of its own? How did the woman who never has so much as a strand of hair out of place hit the Cannes Film Festival with this terrifying creature on her head?
gown and shoes by Calvin Klein
This is how you do minimalism right, dear readers. Add a metric shit-ton of killer jewelry and pose like your life depends on it. Of course, the posing comes naturally to this supermodel, but seriously, that weird spiky ring-thing on her hand is just phenomenal.
gown by Versace, jewelry by Bulgari
The gown is very underwhelming, but she’s wearing Liz Taylor’s jewelry, so I have to respect the divaliciousness of that move. But honestly, this dress doesn’t even come close to fitting her, and even if it did, I think it’s almost painfully plain. And while that necklace is obviously a work of art, it doesn’t actually work so well with this ill-fitting gown.
dress by Dolce & Gabbana
Cute dress, but everything else is too dull for words.
blouse and skirt by Chanel, shoes by Roger Vivier
Those sleeves are a tiny bit silly, but I like this look a lot more than I originally thought I did. I thought it was sort of frumpy and matronly at first. But now I think the skirt is beautiful, the shoes are sexy, and the top at least has a beautiful collar and cute buttons, even if it also has some other flaws.
dress, purse, and shoes by Louis Vuitton
Simple but utterly chic. A way to say, “Bitches, this is MY movie, and don’t you forget it,” without actually looking like you’re a director trying to upstage actresses.
top and skirt by Christian Dior, shoes by Brian Atwood
I’ve seen enough black and white on Rooney Mara and her blonde alter ego Carey Mulligan to last me a thousand lifetimes, but I can’t say I dislike this weird little outfit. The heavier eye makeup certainly helps, but I really do think the top is fascinating and the skirt is lovely. Though Rooney/Carey need to get the hell over this same pair of Brian Atwood shoes that both of them have been wearing to death.
suit and shoes by Dolce & Gabbana, tie by David Yurman
Damn Liam and his ridiculous handsomeness. After reading the books, I was staunchly Team Peeta, but what the hell am I supposed to do when Gale looks like this?! This man is too delicious for words. And his suit is perfect.
suit by Ermenegildo Zegna
Even more delicious in blue than in black, no?
dress and purse by Marchesa, necklace by Bulgari
This was my Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Blake Lively. I still think it’s almost offensive how much of a McQueen knockoff this dress is, and I think the matching clutch is a little cheesy and the nude shoes don’t work at all. The Bulgari necklace is stunning, but it would have looked much better with a different dress, and certainly with a better hair style.
gown by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Brian Atwood
I swear to you, I wouldn’t hate this if it didn’t have that completely wacky belt-like shape in the middle, which totally distorts her figure and the gown. Everything else kind of works in that over-the-top-but-it’s-Eva-Longoria-so-what-the-fuck-else-do-you-expect sort of way.
suit by Gucci
Ugh. He looks like a European porn star in the late 90s. For the love of God, go up a size in the suit jacket, James!
dress by Chloé, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Now she’s intentionally trying to bore me. I swear to God.
gown and purse by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I can’t condone anyone wearing this exotic-ice-dancer costume as a gown, particularly with that atrocious illusion netting over that side cut-out, but Jane Fonda is seventy-five years old and looks infinitely better than I do. So, I’ll just shut the fuck up now.
gown by L’Wren Scott
You know me, dear readers – I live for prints on the red carpet, especially because few starlets are brave enough to wear printed gowns. But I just don’t like anything about this look, from that ill-advised hair to the patriotic mess that is this gown’s print. Also, the trend of starlets wearing the same bracelet on both wrists really needs to stop. It can work with casual outfits most of the time, but I really hate the matching cuffs trend with gowns and more formal looks.
gown by Michael Van Der Ham, jewelry by Chanel, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Kirsten, honey, there was a 75-year-old woman at Cannes who looked at this dress and said, “That’s a little matronly, isn’t it?” And not just because she opts for teal and sequins and cut-outs, but because this gown immediately makes the wearer look as old as Moses. Put a little more effort into the hair, and for the love of God, hire a makeup artist with a lighter touch, and burn this 18th-century dress in a fire, and maybe we’ll talk.