Four more match-ups are ready and waiting for your votes, dear readers. 

KATY PERRY vs. TAYLOR SWIFT

Katy’s dress by Bottega Veneta, purse by Céline, shoes by Bionda Castana; Taylor’s dress by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Christian Louboutin

KATY: Let’s just get the awkwardness over with, okay, Taylor?

TAYLOR: Um, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Katy’s dress, purse, and shoes by Prada; Taylor’s gown by Reem Acra

KATY: Come on, girl. We’re eskimo sisters. We need to be able to talk about it.

TAYLOR: I think you’re confusing me with someone else. Clearly, based on this outfit, I’m an ice queen, not an eskimo.

Katy’s dress, crown, and shoes by Dolce & Gabbana; Taylor’s gown by Carolina Herrera

KATY: No, moron, I’m trying to say that we both had sex with the same guy and we absolutely need to talk about how terrible John Mayer is in bed.

TAYLOR: Oh, THAT! Well, why didn’t you say that in the first place?

Katy’s top, skirt, belt, purse, and shoes by Chanel; Taylor’s gown by Gucci

KATY: I tried to! I just thought it would be awkward to talk about ex-boyfriends.

TAYLOR: I don’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. LITERALLY ALL I DO IS TALK ABOUT EX-BOYFRIENDS. Don’t you even listen to my music?

Katy’s gown by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Olympia Le-Tan; Taylor’s gown by Elie Saab

KATY: Um… listen, Taylor, I know I’m the girl who shoots whipped cream out of her tits in her music videos, but I think your music is kind of cheesy.

TAYLOR: CHEESY?! Oh, the battle is ON now, bitch.

ZHANG ZIYI vs. FAN BINGBING

Zhang’s dress by Giambattista Valli, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Fan’s dress by Elie Saab

ZHANG: So, from one Chinese superstar to another, what’s your favorite thing about being as beautiful and fabulous as we are?

FAN: Yachts. Yachts and dark, perfectly manicured nails.

Zhang’s dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Fan’s coat, top, and skirt by Christopher Bu, purse by Louis Vuitton

ZHANG: Really? My favorite thing about fame and fortune is definitely the capes.

FAN: Oh, I retract my previous answer. It’s definitely all about the capes.

Zhang’s gown by Christian Dior; Fan’s gown by Elie Saab, purse by Louis Vuitton

ZHANG: And the majestically shiny Disney princess hair.

FAN: And the dramatic gowns.

Zhang’s gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Jimmy Choo; Fan’s gown and purse by Louis Vuitton

ZHANG: And the necklaces worth more than the gross domestic product of a small European nation.

FAN: Did we already cover the shiny hair? Whatevs. I think it bears repeating.

Zhang’s gown by Elie Saab; Fan’s gown and purse by Elie Saab

ZHANG: We’re both kidding ourselves. It’s clearly the side-parted up-dos, the dangly earrings, and the three-quarter-length-sleeved, bow-waisted, sweeping pastel Elie Saab gowns.

FAN: Oh, clearly. Let’s just go with that.

NICOLE KIDMAN vs. AMANDA SEYFRIED

Nicole’s dress by Marchesa; Amanda’s top and shorts by Andrew Gn, shoes by Givenchy

NICOLE: I hope you don’t think this standing ovation means I approve of your outfit, Ms. Seyfried. I would never be caught dead in something as pedestrian as shorts.

AMANDA: Wow. Way to own your reputation as a frigid bitch!

Nicole’s suit by Altuzarra, shoes by Louis Vuitton; Amanda’s dress and shoes by Givenchy

NICOLE: There are worse things than being frigid, darling. And wearing a denim dress is one of them.

AMANDA: Okay, I know “denim dress” sounds like an outfit from Clarissa Explains It All on paper, but you have to admit, the result is much more fashionable than the description.

Nicole’s dress and shoes by Christian Dior; Amanda’s dress by Gucci, shoes by Givenchy

NICOLE: I might be inclined to agree with you, but I have a rule about getting too friendly with people who wear the same pair of shoes more than once a year.

AMANDA: I’d rather wear the same pair of Givenchy strappy sandals every day for the rest of my life than be caught dead in those Barbie shoes. Tell me, are your feet pointed at an almost 90-degree angle, the better to fit into those plastic-looking shoes?

Nicole’s gown by Emilio Pucci, purse by Bottega Veneta; Amanda’s gown and shoes by Givenchy

NICOLE: I will not accept criticism from a woman wearing the world’s largest pussy bow.

AMANDA: Just how enormous is that stick up your ass, Nicole?

Nicole’s gown by Valentino; Amanda’s gown by Givenchy

NICOLE: How dare you! I do NOT have a stick up my ass! And if I do, it’s only to perfect my posture.

AMANDA: You’re a fucking nutcase. I’m out of here.

EMMY ROSSUM vs. SOLANGE KNOWLES

Emmy’s top and pants by Yigal Azrouël; Solange’s suit and blouse by Roberto Cavalli, purse by Vionnet

EMMY: How is it exactly that you’re able to pull off a wide-legged tuxedo that appears to be printed with abstract palm trees?

SOLANGE: When you share DNA with Beyoncé, there is nothing in the world you can’t pull off.

Emmy’s top and pants by Naeem Khan, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Solange’s dress by Mary Katrantzou, shoes by Sophia Webster

EMMY: That makes a lot of sense, actually. Can you share some other perks of being the Queen Bey’s little sister?

SOLANGE: You mean, besides being the aunt to the coolest two-year-old on the planet?

Emmy’s gown and purse by Carolina Herrera; Solange’s jacket and skirt by 3.1 Phillip Lim, purse by Fendi, shoes by Givenchy

EMMY: Yeah, I mean, that was kind of a given. I’m 27 years old and I’m jealous of that kid’s wardrobe.

SOLANGE: Girl, you do not have to tell me. She was more famous as a fetus than I’ll ever be in my life.

Emmy’s gown by Donna Karan; Solange’s jacket, blouse, and pants by Etro, shoes by Pierre Hardy

EMMY: Well, that may be partly due to your penchant for wearing pants made of trash bags.

SOLANGE: Don’t even, honey. I am working the SHIT out of this look, and you know it.

Emmy’s gown by Zuhair Murad; Solange’s jumpsuit by Stéphane Rolland

EMMY: Fine, fine. I’ll concede once again that your Knowlesian genetics give you a preternatural ability to pull off the world’s most ridiculous outfits. Also, can I borrow that jumpsuit?

SOLANGE: It’s all yours, but just know that it will always look better on me.

Don’t miss out on voting in the Chanel Bracket! And join the party tonight as this Diva live-tweets the Oscars.

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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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