The first polls are open, dear readers.
LUPITA NYONG’O vs. FELICITY JONES
Lupita’s coat by Moschino, pants by Veronica Beard, purse by Calvin Klein, shoes by Paul Andrew; Felicity’s top and pants by Viktor & Rolf, shoes by Jimmy Choo
LUPITA: Can we get this over with?
FELICITY: I’m sorry, do you have someplace better to be?
Lupita’s dress by Cushnie et Ochs, purse by Devi Kroell, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Felicity’s dress by Erdem, shoes by Casadei
LUPITA: Well, I’ve got half a dozen Oscar pre-parties to attend tonight, and twice as many after-parties to attend the following night, not to mention the actual awards –
FELICITY: Oh, yes, I can imagine such a life must be impossibly hard to live. Get over yourself.
Lupita’s dress by Christopher Kane, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Felicity’s dress by Burberry, shoes by Jimmy Choo
LUPITA: I was just hoping to squeeze in a nap this afternoon, since I’m not sleeping for the next forty-eight hours, that’s all. God. Jealous much?
FELICITY: How dare you! An Oscar nom (and probable win), a Golden Globe nom, a SAG Award win, and suddenly you think you’re all that?
Lupita’s gown by Gucci; Felicity’s dress by Proenza Schouler
LUPITA: Absolutely not. I’ve always been all that; these are mere accolades.
FELICITY: Hear, hear. I couldn’t care any less about that sort of thing, as long as they still let me into the Met Gala.
Lupita’s gown and purse by Calvin Klein; Felicity’s dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Jimmy Choo
LUPITA: Well, as long as we’re in agreement that it’s what you wear and not what you win that counts.
FELICITY: Cheers to that, darling.
NAOMI WATTS vs. OLIVIA WILDE
Naomi’s dress by Saint Laurent, purse by Tod’s, shoes by Casadei; Olivia’s dress by Osman, purse and shoes by Christian Louboutin
NAOMI: I should tell you, Olivia, that red lipstick looks a little tartish to me.
OLIVIA: Tartish? What are you, my grandmother? Also, I’m surprised you don’t fall flat on your face from the weight of those garish earrings.
Naomi’s gown Altuzarra, purse by Bulgari; Olivia’s gown by Gucci
NAOMI: You know what’s garish? OMBRE HAIR.
OLIVIA: How dare you! Ombre hair was in last year! And I’m pregnant, my roots are allowed to grow in according to the Official Rules of Hollywood Haircare.
Naomi’s gown by Michael Kors, purse by Roger Vivier; Olivia’s tuxedo by Gucci, shoes by Jimmy Choo
NAOMI: Fine. But I’d love it if you could find your own style – matching black dresses was one thing, but sternum-baring is my thing.
OLIVIA: First of all, calm the fuck down. Second, if sternum-baring is anyone’s thing, it’s Lea Michele’s thing, and everybody knows it.
Naomi’s gown by Versace, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Olivia’s top and skirt by Calvin Klein
NAOMI: Oh, and I suppose you’re not wearing white now just to show me up?
OLIVIA: Honey, it’s not your wedding day. Other people are allowed to wear white.
Naomi’s gown by Tom Ford; Olivia’s gown by Gucci, purse by Emm Kuo
NAOMI: Well, this is awkward. I wouldn’t have trash-talked you so hard if I knew I was going to bump into you at the Golden Globes.
OLIVIA: Not a worry, darling. I’m too busy glowing like the fertility goddess I am to even notice that you’re here.
MIRANDA KERR vs. JESSICA PARÉ
Miranda’s dress by Wes Gordon, purse by Samantha Thavasa, shoes by Bionda Castana; Jessica’s dress by Roksanda Ilincic, shoes by Charlotte Olympia
MIRANDA: So? TELL ME!
JESSICA: Um . . . I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Miranda’s dress by Gucci, purse by Valentino, shoes by Chanel; Jessica’s dress by Altuzarra, shoes by Christian Louboutin
MIRANDA: Don’t even joke! Did you two split up? Did you move to California? WHAT’S GOING ON WITH SALLY?
JESSICA: Oh, my god. Get a grip.
Miranda’s top by Louise Goldin, skirt by Jenni Kayne, shoes by Manolo Blahnik; Jessica’s dress by L’Wren Scott, shoes by Casadei
MIRANDA: I will absolutely NOT get a grip! I command you in the name of all that is fashionable, tell me what the fuck happens next on Mad Men.
JESSICA: You know Matthew Weiner would have me publicly executed if I so much as breathed a word of the script, right?
Miranda’s dress by Proenza Schouler, purse and shoes by Stuart Weitzman; Jessica’s dress by L’Wren Scott
MIRANDA: I know, it’s just been SO FUCKING LONG since your show has been on the air, and I care way too much about Sally Draper to wait this long without hearing about her.
JESSICA: That’s a common problem, actually. Pretty much everyone is deeply emotionally invested in the plight of Sally Draper.
Miranda’s gown by Michael Kors, purse by Christian Louboutin, shoes by Tabitha Simmons; Jessica’s gown by Antonio Berardi, purse and shoes by Roger Vivier
MIRANDA: Well, that’s a relief. So, does Kiernan Shipka ever take you shopping with her?
JESSICA: Ugh, I wish.
JESSICA ALBA vs. ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY
Jessica’s sweater, skirt, sunglasses, purse, and shoes by Ralph Lauren; Rosie’s jumpsuit by Gerard Darel, sunglasses by Miu Miu, purse by Giorgio Armani, shoes by Michael Kors
JESSICA: Don’t you just hate being photographed on the street? It’s like, look how completely unprepared to be photographed I am.
ROSIE: Are you shitting me? You’re a living, breathing Ralph Lauren ad.
Jessica’s skirt by Carolina Herrera, shoes by Brian Atwood; Rosie’s dress and belt by Isabel Marant, sunglasses by Burberry, shoes by Chloé
JESSICA: Look who’s talking. You call that street style? That photo is so staged, it looks like you’re in front of a green screen.
ROSIE: Excuse me? I’ll have you know, I woke up like this.
Jessica’s dress by Wes Gordon, purse by Tod’s, shoes by Jerome C. Rousseau; Rosie’s dress by Michael Kors, shoes by Jean-Michel Cazabat
JESSICA: How dare you compare yourself to our lord Beyoncé! You should be ashamed of yourself.
ROSIE: Oh, are we allowed to use her name now? I’ve been calling her She-Who-Is-Too-Fabulous-To-Be-Named.
Jessica’s dress and purse by Christian Dior, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Rosie’s dress and shoes by Saint Laurent
JESSICA: Well, I suppose that’s respectful, but it does take an awfully long time to say. Now shut up while I concentrate on smiling, or my head might explode.
ROSIE: I find that the more leg I show, the less I have to worry about things as common as smiling.
Jessica’s dress by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Rosie’s dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin
JESSICA: Fine, I’ll play along. But only because nothing is better than a little white dress with little white pumps.
ROSIE: Preach.
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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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Poor Felicity Jones. I love her dearly, but she was doomed from the start. It’s like showing up at your high school volleyball tournament to find that your first opponent is an Olympian.
I love your snarky made up conversations. It’s the best part of March.
Yesterday Nate muttered under his breath, “Felicity Jones, you’re going DOWN.” I laughed forever. Poor girl.