The last of the Round 1 polls are now open, dear readers!
ASHLEY MADEKWE vs. NINA DOBREV
Ashley’s jacket by Balenciaga, dress by Cushnie et Ochs, shoes by Saint Laurent; Nina’s dress by Naeem Khan
ASHLEY: Can I confess something?
NINA: Of course, Ashley. Your secret is safe with me.
Ashley’s top and pants by Topshop, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Nina’s dress by Giorgio Armani, purse by Rauwolf, shoes by Aperlai
ASHLEY: Okay. Here goes . . . I have NO idea who you are.
NINA: You know, ordinarily I’d be mad, but I have no idea who YOU are, either! Like, how did we even end up here?
Ashley’s top and skirt by Theory, purse by Rauwolf, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood; Nina’s top and pants by J. Mendel, purse by Devi Kroell, shoes by Dolce & Gabbana
ASHLEY: Who knows? But if one more A-lister asks if I’m on Pretty Little Liars, I’m going to punch her right in the fucking teeth.
NINA: I GET THAT ALL THE TIME TOO! Like, not every young, beautiful, relatively unknown actress is on that god-awful show.
Ashley’s skirt by Topshop, purse by Chanel, shoes by Charlotte Olympia; Nina’s dress by Jenny Packham, purse by Rauwolf, shoes by Charlotte Olympia
ASHLEY: And when I try and tell people I’m on Revenge, they always think I’m talking about Scandal or Shameless or any of the seemingly infinite number of television shows with near-identical names.
NINA: Well, at least no one makes fun of you for being on a show about vampires when those went out of style at least two years ago.
Ashley’s dress by Thakoon, purse by Jimmy Choo, shoes by Saint Laurent; Nina’s gown by Emilio Pucci, purse by Rodo
ASHLEY: Oh, that’s why I’m joining the cast of Salem, because everyone knows witches are the new vampires.
NINA: Oh, shit. Are they still hiring? I need to jump on that gravy train for sure.
KERRY WASHINGTON vs. SANDRA BULLOCK
Kerry’s dress by MaxMara, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Sandra’s dress by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Casadei
KERRY: Hm. Shiny hair, brightly colored dress, funky shoes, IDGAF attitude? You’re doing quite well, Ms. Bullock.
SANDRA: Whatever. Can we hurry this along? I’ve got places to be.
Kerry’s dress by Prabal Gurung, purse by Smythson; Sandra’s dress by Antonio Berardi, shoes by Casadei
KERRY: Yes, we’re all very busy, but there’s no need for rudeness, Sandy.
SANDRA: Speaking of busy, what’s the deal with that dress? That looks like a particularly mean-spirited George Clooney prank.
Kerry’s dress by J. Mendel, purse by Hunting Season, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Sandra’s gown by Roland Mouret, purse by Roger Vivier
KERRY: Jealous much? Or is that green tinge to your skin just because of that awful hair color/makeup combination?
SANDRA: You’re on thin ice, Kerry. You better watch it.
Kerry’s gown by Jason Wu, purse by Bottega Veneta, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Sandra’s gown by Lanvin, purse by Roger Vivier, shoes by Jimmy Choo
KERRY: You don’t remotely intimidate me, but nice try.
SANDRA: Whatever. You look like a morose ballerina.
Kerry’s gown by Jason Wu; Sandra’s gown by J. Mendel, purse and shoes by Roger Vivier
KERRY: Don’t worry. This evil little grin on my face means I know I’m about to kick your ass.
SANDRA: Fine, but I’m using my overlong purse as a weapon.
KATE BOSWORTH vs. OLIVIA PALERMO
Kate’s dress by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Devi Kroell; Olivia’s top and skirt by Zara, purse by Louis Vuitton, shoes by French Sole
KATE: So, Olivia. I see you everywhere, at practically every fashion show – you’re almost as much of an industry It Girl as I am. And yet I have virtually no idea how or why you’re famous.
OLIVIA: Sure you do! I was on The City!
Kate’s dress by Miu Miu, shoes by Prada; Olivia’s dress by Tibi, blouse by Rebecca Taylor, shoes by Schutz
KATE: … I don’t know what that is.
OLIVIA: Sure you do! The spin-off of The Hills?
Kate’s top, skirt, and shoes by Christian Dior; Olivia’s dress by Catherine Malandrino, belt by BCBG Max Azria, shoes by Christian Dior
KATE: Seriously? You’re from a shitty spin-off of a shitty faux-reality show? Why the fuck are you invited to every major fashion event, every year, without fail?
OLIVIA: I could ask the same of you, Kate. What was your last big movie role – Blue Crush?
Kate’s dress and purse by Fendi, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Olivia’s jacket, skirt, purse, and shoes by Christian Dior
KATE: How dare you! I am an accomplished actress!
OLIVIA: Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart, and maybe one day, it’ll come true!
Kate’s dress by Balmain, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo; Olivia’s jacket by Zara, gown by Roberto Cavalli
KATE: Whatever, bitch. At least I wouldn’t be caught dead carrying a fringed purse.
OLIVIA: You only wish you were as fierce as I am and therefore capable of rocking some fringe.
ZOE SALDANA vs. LÉA SEYDOUX
Zoe’s top and skirt by Sachin + Babi, shoes by Bruno Magli; Léa’s dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Jimmy Choo
ZOE: What a day for a fashion battle! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I’m going to completely destroy you, Ms. Seydoux.
LÉA: Darling, I’m French. Fabulousness is in my very bones. But it’s cute that you think you have a chance of defeating me.
Zoe’s suit by Antonio Berardi, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Léa’s dress by Valentino, shoes by Jimmy Choo
ZOE: Just because you own the same fabulous pair of Jimmy Choos in two different colors doesn’t mean you can fuck with me and my pantsuit.
LÉA: Actually, Zoe, that’s exactly what it means.
Zoe’s dress and shoes by Alexander McQueen; Léa’s coat by Prada, dress and shoes by Miu Miu
ZOE: One French lesbian darling-of-the-film-festivals movie does not an A-lister make.
LÉA: False. Dress like an A-lister, and an A-lister you will be.
Zoe’s gown by Gucci; Léa’s dress by Prada, shoes by Jimmy Choo
ZOE: Well, you do have a point there. Now will you pick a different damn pair of Jimmy Choos already?
LÉA: Hm? Sorry, I was distracted by your visible pelvic bone.
Zoe’s gown by Valentino; Léa’s gown by Prada
ZOE: Fine. But if you want to go to a feminine floral place, I’m still going to defeat you handily.
LÉA: Keep telling yourself that.
—
© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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The best part of The City being a shitty spin off of a faux-reality show is that The Hills is itself a spin off of a faux-reality show. The City is shitception.
Thank you for explaining how Oliva Palermo got famous, though! That has confused me for a while, but not quite enough that I cared to look into it.
I didn’t care to look into it until I started this post and realized I had literally nothing to say about her. AND I FORGOT THE HILLS ITSELF IS A SPIN-OFF. OH MY GOD. SHITCEPTION INDEED.